That Most Heinous of Crimes
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Someone else is thrust into the role of Team 7's sensei. Chaos ensues.
1. Chapter 1

_That Most Heinous of Crimes_

_By Andrew J. Talon  
_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own __Naruto__ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _Every fanfiction author writes a horrible self-insert fic first. The truly bad ones keep writing them. The insane ones try to write one that isn't crap._

_I'm still not sure which one I am. But, you the readers have spoken, and as you liked this story a lot in Ramen Doodles, here it is in it's own fic. Enjoy... But don't say I didn't warn you._

* * *

You know, you'd think being in an entirely different universe would involve a lot of transition. A lot of denial, a lot of freaking out.

Probably some therapy. Lord knows the folks around here could use it.

But when it comes right down to it, Konohagakure is a city like any other city. It has people. Fat people, tall people, beautiful people, ugly people. Mean, hateful people, kind and generous people. Hardworking and lazy, private and public. There isn't a kind of dark malaise that hangs over the city-A kind of oppression of the darkness there. No, there's a different spirit here, that of a populace between rural and urban. Fortunately without most of the problems of suburbia.

Hell, it reminds me a lot of the naval base housing I grew up in when my father taught at the naval academy. Everybody there had someone in the military, or was in the military themselves. Everybody had an opinion on history or the government. Everyone wanted their husband, wife, son, daughter, whatever to come back safely after their next mission.

Even me. Well, _this_ me. It was the little things that let me stay sane the moment I woke up here, memories of two worlds bouncing around in my brain.

My father: Retired military, math genius, and a bit absent minded. Despite the change in the setting and the culture, he remained my father. My brother the closeted homosexual: Working as a lawyer, dressing up as a woman and going down to the red light district when he thought nobody was looking, still a total and complete bitch to me and anyone he found beneath him. A bit exaggerated, and a bit more disturbing, but the fundamentals remained the same. The crossdressing was a new one, I'll have to admit.

And me. There were differences. Good ones, bad ones, but still, fundamentally... No change. The probabilities were insane, the implications disturbing.

Still, I think the thing that made the transition easiest wasn't my neat, awesome powers. Nor the respect I had, earned through hard work. It was, quite simply, the fact that I had a purpose. A reason for being. A direction in life beyond meandering through college trying to figure out what to do.

I stare into the mirror. Age 27, freshly minted jounin of Konohagakure. Due to head down to pick up a genin team from the Academy, and see if they have what it takes to go the distance. I adjust my glasses, run my hand through the same messy brown hair.

I find myself looking at my reflection, and smiling like I haven't in years. I'm _somebody_ here-Not in rewards or empty service but to _people_.

Really, is there anything else you can ask for?

Aside from a girlfriend. Or a wife.

Both of which my other still lacks.

_Ah well,_ I decide, the memories fusing together. _I have time... I have the means... And best of all..._ I grinned.

_I don't have Team Seven!_

Whew! Being responsible for the destiny of the Elemental Continent was _not_ on my priority list, nor on my other's. My other simply wanted to be the best he could be. He had no aspirations of manipulating the timeline... Though he wouldn't mind getting the girl who became the wife of one of our friends.

That also held between realities.

Guess you can't have everything.

But! A fresh perspective, a different viewpoint, a new world and life laid out in front of me. So, I was going to take it and do the best I could.

I would find greatness in my students, even if it killed them! No matter who they were!

My name is Tsume Andoryuu. And even with the dangers of this world, I have to admit-I'm looking forward to the future.

* * *

"... Uzumaki Naruto, Haruno Sakura, and Uchiha Sasuke. Team 7! Your instructor: Tsume Andoryuu!"

"YEAH!"

"OH FUCK!"

All eyes on me. Awkward cough.

"Uh... Ah..."

Pause, then:

"... Great! I'm... Happy..."

I am so dead...

* * *

After my... Outburst, I managed to calm down enough to order my new team to the roof. A quick use of Shunshin outside got me up there before they arrived, and I sat down in an effort to try and slow my racing thoughts.

Most of which consisted of _I'm screwed I'm screwed I'm screwed..._

I needed to focus. I needed to not panic. After all, I wasn't lost here. I knew the events of the manga and the anime. I knew the characters... Well, what Kishimoto had deigned to share with us.

My other's memories had numerous instances of seeing Naruto around the village (running after pulling a prank), and had even been victim to one such prank himself.

Even though the Kyuubi had taken my Other's mother (as cancer had taken her in my own reality), he bore no ill will against Naruto for his burden. He wasn't a saint though-He found Naruto annoying, and that part of me was looking at this assignment with some dread at what kind of student he'd be.

However, it ceased to be an issue with my knowledge of the manga and anime. After all, I knew how to turn Naruto into a very powerful ninja. I knew how to turn Sasuke and Sakura into powerful ninja, thanks to a wealth of ideas from TFF, the canon and various fanfiction. Now that I _really_ thought about it, I was actually kind of lucky. All three of my students had enormous potential, that a teacher who put in even a modest amount of effort could bring out.

Though there was still the issue of having the fate of the Elemental Continents on my shoulders if I did something wrong. If I let Sasuke go to Orochimaru, then he becomes his Post-Time Skip douchebag Mary Sue self.

What could I do to keep him from going? Training alone wasn't enough-Kakashi had sprung for The Strong Fist knockoff and the Chidori and even that wasn't able to keep Sasuke from defecting.

I sensed my students clambering up the stairs, so I decided to shelve these thoughts for later. They appeared, and I gave them a smile. Sasuke naturally didn't return it, Sakura flashed a polite smile back, and Naruto looked a bit dubious.

"Sit down," I said. They sat, just as they had in canon. It was more than a little surreal, actually. Particularly in their phenotypes.

In an anime, it's difficult to determine ethnicity aside from really obvious cues, like skin color, due to the limitations of art. In the world itself though, everything was real. Naruto, for instance, was more European in his appearance. The anime made his hair much brighter than it actually is-It was a darker blonde, slightly lighter than Mark Hamill's. You could lose him in any city in the US, really. Closer observation though hinted at some Asian features, particularly around his eyes.

Sasuke looked like a protagonist out of a Final Fantasy game-Again, that odd mixture of European and Asian features, though the Asian aspects dominated slightly. Sakura was slimmer and more delicate than the boys, naturally, but European features dominated. She reminded me a bit of a French girl I once met on exchange, only in better physical condition. The anthropologist in me was furiously speculating about the ethnic migrations and possible reasons for this, when Sakura cleared her throat.

"Ah, Sensei?"

I got out of my reverie and covered my wandering thoughts with a bright smile.

"Sorry about that. Now that you're here, let's go around and introduce ourselves."

"Introduce ourselves?" Sakura asked. I nodded.

"Name, interests, goals, likes, dislikes, that sort of thing."

"Well, shouldn't you go first then, sensei?" Sakura asked. Her voice had a kind of... Hermione-ish quality to it. Which made it slightly annoying.

"Nope," I said simply. "Go for it, Pinky."

Sakura looked annoyed, but went with her canon spiel.

"I'm Haruno Sakura, I like..." Look and blush at Sasuke, "I dislike Naruto," she glared at him, and he looked hurt, "My goal is..." another blush and look at Sasuke, along with a giggle. "And I hate Ino-pig!"

"... Great to hear, or not hear, as the case may be," I observed wryly. "Naruto?"

"I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I really like-!"

"Do you have ADHD?" I interrupted. Seriously, he'd been twitching and shifting around like he couldn't sit still. I knew what it was, but hey, I really wanted to use the line.

"What's that?" Naruto asked.

"It's a disorder. Attention Deficit and Hyperactivity Disorder," I explained. "Put simply, you have too much energy and your brain works too fast."

"Works too fast?" Sakura asked incredulously. I nodded.

"Oh yes. Your thoughts race without allowing you to adequately process the information your senses are trying to tell you. You get bored unless there's enough going on around you to take it all in." I smiled. "On the plus side, it means you operate well in crisis situations since you're now 'caught up'."

Naruto grinned happily at this.

"Unfortunately, you operate rather poorly when nothing is going on," I added. "Or when subtle things are occuring."

Naruto, naturally, scowled.

"I can be subtle!"

That got an incredulous look out of even Sasuke. I nodded.

"Yes, I've heard... But things get missed out on. Anyway, where were we? Right. Naruto, got any likes? Hobbies? Goals?"

"Well, I like to train, eat ramen, and garden," Naruto admitted. His grin grew. "And I want to become the Hokage!"

"All right. Now, you," I said, looking at Sasuke. The Uchiha survivor was in the Gendo position, and lifted his head only a little to make sure he was heard.

"Uchiha Sasuke. I have few likes, many dislikes, and it's not so much a goal... As an aspiration... To kill a certain man," he said. Sakura stared in some disbelief, though Naruto merely gave Sasuke that foxy scowl of his. Mentally I sighed in some relief. At least they weren't different from their canon selves.

Unfortunately... They were their canon selves.

"Good... Well, that was informative."

"You still haven't gone, sensei," Sakura said, with just the hint of a whine. I looked at her with a flat stare, and she averted her eyes. I then smiled.

_Well... What the hell..._

"My name is Tsume Andoryuu," I began. "I like many things, I dislike many things, and I have a number of hobbies which are related to my goal. Which is..." And here I stood up dramatically and gave them all a manic grin.

"To take over the WORLD!"

Needless to say, my students were... Weirded out.

"Really?" Naruto asked. I shrugged.

"Nah. Too much work. But I'll be satisfied with you three becoming the best ninja you can be. How's that sound?"

"Um... Better?" Sakura said. I shrugged again.

"Well, if you'd like to help me take over the world, just say the word and we'll do it. I'm rather flexible that way. Also, the two goals kind of overlap, as I'll need the best ninja I can find to conquer the world."

"Ooh! Could I still be Hokage if you took over the world?" Naruto asked.

I nodded. "Definitely!"

"Cool! Let's do that!" Naruto grinned. Sasuke clearly had the look of a man surrounded by madmen and idiots, and Sakura was not much better.

"All right! But for right now, let's have some lunch!"

As far as first impressions go... Well, it was weird, but it would teach an important lesson. Looking underneath the underneath.

Oh, I was going to have _so much fun!_

* * *

The Elemental Countries are very, very weird. You thought your glimpse into them from the manga or anime side was weird? You haven't even touched on the weirdness.

For one thing, just as _Naruto_ ninja are very unlike traditional ninja, so too is the Daimyo very unlike a traditional Daimyo. The closest approximation I can draw is a kind of mix between king, chairman and prime minister.

Fire Country itself is like if the Greek city-states joined together into a semi-democratic state, with each state being regulated to keep what they were best at what they were best at. And the central government had a lot of influence from modern China. These prefectures/states had a lot of autonomy, as long as they kept up certain quotas of taxes and kept to established regulations and laws, and even got a say in the day to day running of the central government. There was a constitution and a sort of "contract" between the Daimyo and his citizens, not that dissimilar to the Magna Carta or a Bill of Rights, that essentially stated that as long as the Daimyo did a good job as the commander of the armed forces and the chief executive, he kept his job. Suits that he was not doing his job properly could be brought before a high court, and a council of judges (who were maintained by popular vote through their version of a legislature) would examine the Daimyo's record. If he was not fulfilling obligations, the government would negotiate and work out a new contract with the Daimyo for him to keep to his obligations. If he couldn't fulfill his contract, he'd be dismissed and a new Daimyo candidate (generally a member of a wealthy family or a highly ranked military commander) would be applied for general election-But the judge's council had the final say on the Daimyo's appointment, which could be overruled by the Head of the Diet calling for...

Pbbt. Just thinking about it gave me a headache. It was an odd amalgam of democracy, oligarchy, autocracy, corporatism... Their constitution was a mess. And yet, somehow, it all worked. Trust me though, I think the manga was better off not getting into all of this.

Which brought me to my team. Naruto was pouting that we weren't eating ramen for lunch (I'd seen a beef bowl, and dammit, I wanted some), but was enjoying his food. Sasuke had gotten something simple and was eating methodically, while Sakura (who had been given an extra big bowl-The girl needed some meat on her bones) was picking at her food and trying to eat as little as possible.

And me? I was thinking about how I got into this mess. Rumor had it that Hatake Kakashi was going to get Team 7, and in a ninja village, the more denied a rumor, the more likely it was true. I also had my own knowledge of the manga and anime-Kakashi was the guy they picked in canon, and the reasoning held up in theory.

He was the strongest ninja in Konoha save the Hokage and the Sannin, he had the Sharingan, he had that connection to the Fourth Hokage... Really, with the rookie of the year being Sasuke, how could it be anyone BUT Kakashi?

Which left me wondering how the hell I got stuck with Team 7. Did God consider it ironic? Well, it was. Horribly ironic. Downright funny, if you thought about it.

"So, um, Sensei... What will you be teaching us first?"

Sakura, once again, broke into my thoughts. Naruto looked at me eagerly.

"Yeah, what? Is it going to be something cool? Something awesome? C'mon, tell me!"

Naruto's voice wasn't exactly grating... Okay, it was grating. Mainly in how he had trouble in volume control. Even speaking normally he sounded loud.

"Well... First I'll need to see where you all are as ninja," I said. "Then we'll proceed from there and-"

"Andoryuu!"

I managed to resist the urge to twitch, and plastered a happy smile on my face as I looked up. "Hello, Ben."

The genin turned their heads to gawk at the bear-like man in woman's clothing who stood before our table. A smile was plastered on his face that didn't quite make me want to vomit given how his make-up was applied.

"Aw, is that all you have to say to your brother? Especially when I've brought something great!" Ben pouted. Sakura, Naruto and even Sasuke's eyes all widened.

"Br-Brother?!" Sakura squeaked. I gave a little shrug.

"This is Benji, my brother. As you can see, he's a very... Colorful individual," I said calmly. Benji smirked at me.

"So diplomatic and reserved, it's rather cute." He looked over at my students with a wink. "Don't buy it, he's actually a nutjob."

"He's the nutjob?" Naruto blurted out.

"Now now, Naruto," I said. "No throwing stones. I know all about your 'Sexy jutsu'."

The blonde looked indignant. "That's different! It's for use AGAINST perverts, not some-!"

"WHAT?! That's the most perverted jutsu ever! And it's stupid!" Sakura butt in. Sasuke looked as though he'd rather be anywhere else. I have to admit, I agreed. So I decided to try and nip this in the bud.

"Ben, you had something for me, right? What is it?" I asked. Ben grinned, and produced a box from his dress.

"This!" He set it down with a beam. "Just got it from the publishers."

"You were going through my mail again weren't you," I sighed. Ben shrugged.

"We are brothers... And besides, you do it to me all the time!"

"I do it because I know how to tell the difference between a bomb and a box of chocolates from your latest paramour," I said flatly, quickly checking the box for any traps. Jounin training said it was safe, so did instinct. So, with a slash of a kunai, I opened the package.

"What's that?" Naruto asked. I opened the box, and picked up the book within. I allowed myself a little smile.

"So, he published a new one huh?"

"Yep!" Ben said brightly. He took the book and presented it to us all, like a butch, cross-dressing Vanna White. Ooh, now there's an image for you.

Suffer dear reader, _suffer_.

"_Strategic Considerations for Future Conflicts,_ by Tusume Rei?" Sakura read, her eyes widening in realization. "Wait, you're _that_ Tusume?"

"No, that's my father," I explained patiently. Sasuke and Naruto both looked lost, and Sakura looked like she was about to have a nerdgasm.

"I-I did a whole report on his book _Treatise on Joint Operations!_ I love his writing!"

"Huh? Who? What?" Naruto asked. Before Sakura could rant at Naruto for being stupid, I quickly interjected.

"My dad was an officer in the Fire Army and acted as a liaison and strategic planner during the Third Shinobi War," I quickly explained. "He also taught mathematics and some strategy classes, and writes books about how wars are fought and managed."

"I didn't know you two were related," Sakura said happily. "Can-Can I read this book?"

"Sure, it is my copy after all," I said, handing it over to her. Naruto frowned.

"Strategic... Joint Operations...?"

"Yeah... Put pretty simply, there's a lot more to fighting than just, you know, fighting," I explained. "Though it depends on what level you're planning at. It is a good thing to learn, however, if you're going on to, say, Hokage." I grinned at the eager light that glinted in Naruto's eyes. Sasuke was only marginally interested.

"Tell me more!"

"Oh, don't let him start, kid," Ben interjected. "He'll talk your head off about how this general did such and such, and how population numbers mean something something. It'll bore you to tears."

"But I want to learn! What would you know about it anyway?" Naruto demanded.

"Well, I know that orange clashes so badly with your skin I'm getting a headache just from looking at you," Ben replied glibly. "Can't be helpful as a ninja-Your enemies just shoot to end the pain." Mentally I groaned. _Shit, Naruto, you fool, he's going on a rant!_

"Speaking of, the broody one! He looks like an anemic vampire, he's so pale! You aren't going to let him stay that way, right Andoryuu? And his hair! His dress sense! UGH! He could be smiling brightly right now and he'd still be taken for emo!"

Sasuke glowered. Ben prattled on, Sakura his next target.

"But you darling! Oh! I love your hair, truly I do! You take such good care of it!"

"Oh? I-I do?" Sakura was interupted from defending her crush by the flattery. "Well, um, th-thank you!"

"But the dress! Oh, the dress. Quite a risk dear, you look like a... How shall I put this delicately? Like you decided to work early at the red lantern district," Ben said. Sakura gaped.

"I WHAT?! M-My mother made me this dress!"

"Oh yes! And the pink hair... Oh my! You're Sachiko's little girl, aren't you? Oh, I meet her up downtown all the time!"

"Downtown?!" Sakura gasped. Naruto blinked.

"Hey, wait... Does this mean Sakura's mom is a prostitute?"

"MY MOTHER IS NOT A PROSTITUTE!" Sakura screeched, whacking Naruto over the head.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of, dearie! Sachiko does wonderful things!" Ben tried.

"MY MOTHER IS NOT A PROSTITUTE!"

I sighed, and looked across the table at Sasuke. He looked back. I shot him a look that told him I knew _exactly_ where he was and how he was feeling... And, strangely enough, I got one back.

I guess those with siblings do have a connection... Even if one is a crazed genocidal maniac, and the other is a crossdressing asshole.

* * *

Benji had gone off to terrorize some other victims, leaving me with my team. Alone. Again.

Still, the tension was a little lower thanks to the fact that we all now had something in common-Namely, an intense dislike for my brother. I owed him an angora sweater or something.

Oh, wait. Angora didn't exist here. Damn.

"So, what was it you were saying about stuff a Hokage should know?" Naruto asked. He was avoiding looking at Sakura, who was shoveling beef and rice into her mouth as quickly as she could with a look of misery. Sasuke was actually paying attention, which I took as a sign of progress.

"Well... Summed up, mostly what my dad talks about is how wars are fought and managed, from the squad level up to a theater level conflict," I explained.

"Theater? What's this got to do with movies?" Naruto asked.

"It's not that kind of theater, idiot," Sasuke snorted. Naruto scowled back.

"Fuck you, bastard!"

"Hey, hey, focus guys," I interjected. "You want to know this or not?"

"He insulted me!" Naruto whined. Sasuke snorted.

"I'm stating an obvious fact."

"Yeah well, you're a pale, anemic vampire!"

"Oh good, stealing from the transexual. I always knew you were weird."

I sighed, and in an instant, an idea appeared in my head on how to resolve the situation. Before I could stop myself, my hands were forming seals. A slip of my kunai got me some blood, and I pressed my hand down on the table.

"_Kuchiyose no jutsu_," I spoke, and in a poof of smoke, my summon arrived. My intent transmitted to it over our linked chakra, and the next second, a spider the size of a dinner plate had jumped up and latched it's legs onto Sauske's face.

"And another-ACK!" Naruto cried out. Sakura dropped her chopsticks. Behind the spider, Sasuke's eyes were widen in frozen horror.

"Now that I have your attention," I said calmly. "May I continue?"

Sakura and Naruto slowly nodded. Sasuke was still totally frozen in fear, which I alleviated by having my summon jump back to my hand. Strangely enough, I didn't feel horror, repulsion or the need to scrub my skin with steel wool until I was clean at the spider's touch. My Other's experience with his summons took care of that.

"Hey boss, how's it going?" Ringumo asked, clicking her mandibles. I smiled back at the summon, quite aware of my team's continuing horror.

"All right, Gumo-chan. How about you?"

"Bored," she said flatly. She scuttled around and looked back at Team 7. "Who are these people?"

"This is my genin team, Gumo-chan," I replied. "Uzumaki Naruto, Uchiha Sasuke, and Haruno Sakura."

"Hello!" Ringumo called, raising one of her legs in a friendly wave. Naruto managed to get over his initial horror fastest, and looked intently at the summon.

"Wow... A real live summon?"

"Yes," I said with a smile. "This is Ringumo, part of the Spider family. I'm fortunate enough to be her summoner."

"He's much better than our old summoner. My mom really loves him!" Gumorin said cheerfully. Sakura gaped.

"You mean... Um... There are... Bigger spiders than you?"

"Oh yes! My mom's really huuuge!" Ringumo said, spreading her forelegs widely. "Big as a house!"

"Gumo-chan, why don't you head home? I'll play with you later," I said, as Sakura turned white at the mental image of a house-sized spider. The little summon gave the spider equivalent of a nod, and poofed away.

"... Sp-Spiders?" Sakura managed. I nodded.

"Yeah... Sorry about that Sasuke. Perhaps a bit extreme, but I don't like being interrupted."

Sasuke managed to very slowly nod, and tried to regain his composure. I sighed and rubbed the back of my head.

"Where was I...? Eh, I think I'll save that lecture for another time. I nearly forgot-You all have a test tomorrow."

"What? Another test?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Yep. It's required of Konoha for a team to demonstrate whether they can operate together successfully. Put simply, if you can't work together, then you can't be a ninja."

"Work together?" Naruto asked flatly. I nodded.

"Yes..." I realized I was making it extremely obvious, but honestly, this was supposed to be the military, right? Teamwork is essential in any military unit.

Besides... If they didn't get the point of the test from these clues, then there wasn't much else to do but give them some hints.

They couldn't be that dumb or self absorbed, could they?

* * *

I decided to leave a Shadow Clone with my team, and instructed it to spend time with the team and find some kind of activity for them to do together. May as well hedge my bets in case they really were that thick.

As for me... I went to the Hokage's office, Ringumo re-summoned onto my shoulder.

"What are we going to do, Andoryu?" The spider asked. I simply smiled at every person we passed, every eye upon Ringumo. Subconsciously, my other was perfectly at ease with Ringumo and others of her kind. That biological imperative that stated anything with eight legs and fangs was something to _get the fuck away from_ was simply not there.

It was actually due to just how my Other had gotten to sign the summoning contract. As well as most of his current skill set. It was a fear he had been forced to get rid of... Or go utterly insane.

Being reverse-summoned into a world of giant, sentient, chakra-using spiders for a whole year by your insane sensei tended to prioritize how you viewed the world.

But that was a different story that my Other and myself didn't really want to dwell on right now.

Or really, ever.

"We're going to see the Hokage," I explained to my summon.

"Ya want me to grab his face?"

"Why Gumo-chan, do you think I just summoned you for that?" I asked.

"Sometimes I think you just summon me for that," the little spider huffed. "You never summon me to play fetch or tag anymore! It's just to torment people!"

"Is there something wrong with that?"

The spider hummed thoughtfully, clicking her mouthparts. "No. It's kind of fun!"

"See, this is why you're my favorite," I said, patting the spider affectionately.

"Awww... You know, you haven't summoned Mom for a long time! She misses you," Ringumo said. I sighed.

"Gumo-chan, I'm not exactly comfortable with how much your mom... Likes me."

"Awww... Why not? She can take human form, you know," Ringumo said.

"That doesn't really help. I'd still know she's a spider."

"Aren't you though?" She asked. I thought about how best to phrase my answer.

"In spirit... I suppose I am. But not in the ways that might let me consider... That. Besides... I know what happened to your father."

"Awww! Mom likes you a lot more than she liked him!" Ringumo said. We had reached the doors to the Hokage's office, nobody giving me more than a glance. It seemed I was expected.

It didn't stop my Spidey sense from tingling though.

... Yes, I did have a Spider Sense. Sort of. Less ESP and more a simply heightened sense of situational awareness. Any jounin still alive had good situational awareness, _very_ good, but it takes on a whole new meaning when training with smart, giant spiders.

"That's what I'm afraid of," I admitted to Ringumo as the doors to the office opened. I walked inside, immediately noting two people in the room.

One was the Hokage.

The other was Hatake Kakashi.

"Tsume-san, how nice to see you!" Sarutobi said, smiling as he smoked his pipe. Ringumo hissed at him, and fixed all of her eyes right on his face. He didn't look in the least bit fazed.

"Hokage-sama... Hatake-sempai," I said politely.

"We've been expecting you," the Hokage said unnecessarily. That he was actually speaking the obvious indicated he was giving me leave to be as blunt as I liked.

"Why have I been handed Team 7? Shouldn't Hatake-sempai be given them?" I asked. The Hokage's smile shifted, ever so slightly.

Keep in mind, this man was a 69 year old ninja. The older the ninja is, generally, the better they are at deception and conceit. It did not surprise me in the least that Sarutobi had the "grandfatherly old man" act down perfectly. It was only thanks to what I knew about him I figured he was cackling maniacally behind that smile of his.

"Hatake-san actually recommended you," he said. Ringumo hissed at Kakashi, who stiffened slightly at the sound.

Good girl.

"Did he?"

"I feel you have what it takes to truly bring out their full potential," Kakashi said, granting me one of his infamous eye smiles. I have to say, I can understand Naruto and co.'s exaperation and anger with him easily. That smile just reeked of asshole.

"I don't have a Sharingan," I said flatly. "Nor am I a sealing expert."

"No, but you can understand them very well," Sarutobi said.

I got his implication immediately.

"And you know how _not_ to teach," Sarutobi said. I mentally grimaced-He was playing _that_ card.

"All the same, you're handing me two students with extremely... Special needs, who do not have families or clans to help them with said needs," I said.

"No jounin would think of refusing you assistance, Tsume-san," Sarutobi said. "But I have entrusted this team to you. Do you not think yourself able to handle it?"

I really, really wanted to say yes. I really wanted to say I wasn't ready for this, that I would probably fuck up the entire future of this world. I could find something, _anything_ to say.

Even if it was futile, I could go down swinging. But they were both playing on the fact that, rather traumatic life aside, I hadn't turned out totally and completely insane. That I was a nice guy who would work to keep my students from getting killed.

"Andoryu can do anything!" Ringumo said defiantly. She hissed loudly.

She was always the least perceptive of her brothers and sisters.

With a heavy sigh, I shook my head.

"No Hokage-sama... I will begin training my team immediately," I said. Ringumo gave the spider equivalent of a big smile, which got another not-shudder out of Kakashi. I recalled his home address.

"Very good." And here, the Hokage gave me a genuine smile. You could tell with him, he made sure you knew. "I believe our resident Spider Sage can handle it."

"What?" I asked, eyes widening. Sarutobi held up the summoning scroll for spiders, the very same one I had signed all those years ago.

"You are the only signer of the scroll who has developed the skills gained from your summons to reach jounin level," Sarutobi said. "I believe there is no one better suited for the position of Spider Sage."

"We wouldn't accept anyone else! What took you so long?" Ringumo demanded.

"We recently recovered it from your sensei's estate. Legal troubles," Sarutobi admitted. He sighed. "I try to respect the rule of law as much as I can, after all."

"Th-Thank you, Sarutobi-sama," I said. Sure, it was little more than a title right now, but being a Sage was, well... It was the equivalent of being the Indiana Jones or Stephen Hawking of your particular field. I took the summoning scroll, almost reverently, and slid the shoulder strap over my head. Ringumo moved a little, and did her spider smile again.

"Good luck, Tsume-san," Sarutobi said. I bowed, and headed out, in slightly higher spirits than before.

Even Kakashi's smirk through his mask didn't dampen my mood. Sure, I had the fate of the Elemental Countries on my shoulders, but it didn't seem as bad as before...

And then my Shadow Clone's memories popped into my head. I groaned.

"What is it?" Ringumo asked.

"My Shadow Clone decided to have Team 7 bond by tying them all together with webbing."

"Is that bad?" Ringumo asked.

A distant explosion was heard through the window. I held a hand to my forehead.

"It is now..."

* * *

I don't normally get stress headaches. Hunger headaches, yes. Allergy related headaches, yes. Changes in weather headaches? Oh very yes.

Well... This actually felt like a hunger headache. As in "My stupid students have made me angry enough to consider eating them."

"So... Just to clarify," I began to my rather singed looking students, "you, Sasuke, threatened to use a Grand Fireball on the webbing."

The Uchiha survivor nodded slowly. He held up his arm, still bound in my Shadow Clone's webbing to Sakura's arm. Sakura, in turn, was bound to Naruto's wrist in a similar arrangement.

"And then Naruto pulled out an explosive note," I continued, my eyes going over to him. The soot-covered blonde growled.

"He started it! He threatened to burn us alive!"

"And when Sakura tried to intervene, the explosive note became unstable, and went off," I finished, my eyes going to my extremely embarrassed female student. She was down to her underwear-Everything else had been burnt off in the explosion.

"Y-Yeah... Your shadow clone took the brunt of the blast," she explained.

Ah. That explained why the last memories my shadow clone sent were of him yelling "Son of a-!"

In English, no less.

"Well... This just proves my point. Teamwork is paramount to a ninja _team_. That means _cooperation_. That does _not_ mean threatening to _kill eachother_ and then blowing _eachother up,_" I said in very clear, very calm words. All three looked at me sullenly. I sighed.

"If this is how you're going to act, then I can see only one possible way you can pass tomorrow's test. Or even act as a team." I gave them all a very, _very_ unpleasant smile. I was pleased to see them all, even Sasuke, look intimidated.

I was probably helped by Ringumo hissing, but all the same...

"Wh-What?" Sakura dared to ask.

"You're going to learn to work together, as _one_, as you are now."

Blank looks for just an instant, and then...

"WHAT?!"

"For how long?" Sasuke demanded.

"Until you learn," I stated flatly.

"But-But Tsume-sensei, I'm a girl!" Sakura squawked.

"Why, so you are!" I gasped in faux surprise. "I couldn't tell!"

"Most can't," Sasuke grumbled. Sakura flushed. Naruto sputtered.

"B-But we have to stick together?! All of us?!"

"Yes Naruto, you do," I said patiently. "Now, Naruto's apartment is the closest, so I suggest you all head there. Rest up, tomorrow's going to be a big day!"

I grinned.

"Oh, and by the way... If any of you try to escape your bonds... _Kuchiyose no jutsu._"

Out of a large poof of smoke, a human-sized wolf spider appeared. All three of my students cringed.

"Then Kokubogumo here will have to drag you back and reapply the webbing. And she doesn't like having to drag things that struggle. She generally applies venom to things that do."

Kokubogumo (which could be literally translated as "cruel mother spider") gave my genin the equivalent of a spider smile. All three looked pale.

"It does make it more difficult to secure new webbing," she said. I immediately noticed all three of my students looking at eachother, and there it was-The beginning of a bond.

Sure, they would be making my life a living hell, but my making their lives living hells had a purpose-To turn them into a team.

... And possibly for my own twisted amusement.

"Well, I will see you all tomorrow," I said cheerfully, as I turned and leaped off.

"Wow, you're really going to run them through the ringer, Andoryu!" Ringumo noted, hanging onto my shoulder. I grinned.

"Well, boot camp is always the hardest part," I replied. "Besides-If I'm the bad guy, then they have a common item of hatred. Namely me."

"Are you sure it was a good idea to have Kokubo-nee-chan handle them?"

"Aw, she's really a sweetheart. She won't hurt any of them..." I thought about it. "Permanently."

* * *

_Yeah, cardinal sin right here. Random idea hit me while I was in the shower, and my bitch of a muse, rather than listening to reason, forced me to write this and show it off. Clearly, she wishes me to commit artistic suicide and plunge to my death, my body caught by the pitchforks of the good people of TFF and Fanfiction dot net, who will pursue me to the ends of the Earth for this horrific idea._

_But, as I am weakwilled when it comes to the whims of my muse, I present to you this horror of an idea. If you liked it, say so. If you hated it, say so. If you want to see Ringumo pulling an Alien and facehumping people Andoryu doesn't like, feel free to say that too.  
_


	2. Chapter 2

Ramen Doodles

_By Andrew Gillespie_

Disclaimer: _I do not and probably never will own __Naruto__ or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit._

Author's Note: _When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding __Key Through the Heart__ (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum._

* * *

It was a cliche in nearly every fanfiction you could imagine that the jounin ninja had their own bar. And those writers would probably be titillated to learn that they were right-They did have their own bar.

It was even secret. In an open sort of way. Nestled between two regular bars in the red light district, the roof of which I was crouched on. Every ninja knew it was here, but everyone had their own theory on how to get in. From wrestling a bear to withstanding Gai's Lecture On Youth, Parts 1 through 10, in one sitting.

Now on audiotape. I really wish I was making that up.

Hey, jounin don't just take missions to make ends meet, ya know.

But no, all you really had to do was get in without looking like a total and complete idiot.

"Heyah, Spider."

Which I _nearly_ managed. I froze and looked over my shoulder.

"Hello Mitarashi-sempai," I said. That most infamous of Konoha kunoichi chuckled evilly as she looked me over.

Yes, the first thing to pop into my mind was that she was "magically babelicious". The second thing to pop into my mind was that she was insanely scary.

This did not take away from the babelicious part, mind you.

"Rough first day for the new teacher?" She posed, eying me like a cat does a meal. I stayed in a crouched position, where I felt most comfortable.

"Not really..."

"Heard you got Team 7," she hissed.

"Oh, you know... Egotistical genius rookie of the year, enthusiastic but dumb deadlast, and useless kunoichi fangirl." I shrugged. "Nothing some horrible suffering won't fix."

"See, this is why I like you, Andoryu," she grinned. "You have such a wonderful sense of priorities."

"I like to think so," I managed.

"Awww... Aren't you cute, you're so detached," Anko cooed. She leaned over and grinned.

_Oh Christ, hanging boobs! Think about baseball, think about baseball!_

"Just... Kind of like that," I said. She slunk over, swinging her hips and making herself very... Very...

No! Latch onto fear of females! It's a very spiderish thing to have! And it's good in this situation!

"So, are you going to go in, or what?" She asked, face leaning uncomfortably close to mine. I managed not to blink.

"I was waiting for you," I said. She grinned.

_Stupid stupid stupid!_

"How flattering," she said. "Not up to this all by yourself? Want me to hold your... Hand?"

This is definitely something my Other was superior to me in: Not going totally crazy in fear or lust over Anko.

"Sure."

Okay, maybe my Other was just suicidal.

_Oh I'm screwed, totally screwed..._

Then she did something very... Well... There's no other way to say it.

_She giggled_.

"All right," she said, and took my hand. "C'mon, they've got a special on that Iwa Sake. You can buy me a few."

"Sure," I replied, standing up. We jumped down to the entrance, hands still holding. She looked like she was rather enjoying the entire experience.

Truth be told, part of me was too. But seriously... I knew, I _knew_ there was something horrible in store for me. Both sides, me and my Other, knew that nothing good happened to us without incredible terror or trauma happening after. Or before.

In this case, possibly during...

* * *

The jounin bar was nice. Simply decorated, but clean, with several tables in front of the bar itself. Most were occupied; from Hayate in the corner with Yuugao, giving every vibe of a simple night out, to Asuma and Kurenai at different tables. Clearly, their relationship was "off" at the moment.

Aside from an old jukebox in the corner, playing something that sounded a little like Bach set to guitar, the biggest "decoration" was a wall full of photos, stretching from the entrance to the bathrooms. Anko noticed my look and quirked an eyebrow.

"Ah... First things first. WHO'S GOT THE CAMERA?!"

To my considerable shock, it was Morino Ibiki who, turning on his barstool, produced a camera. Anko grinned and wrapped an arm around my shoulders.

"C'mon Newbie, smile," she said. I offered a small smile to the camera, and with a flash, the picture was taken. Anko grabbed it and pinned it onto the wall with a senbon. Ibiki calmly went back to his drink-Something red.

"There, you're officially in," she said sweetly.

"I like the ceremony, very brisk," I commented.

"Leaves more time for drinking," Anko returned. "Speaking of, come on!" She dragged me right to the bar, setting me down. She plopped down cheerfully next to me. "Barkeep, the good stuff!" Anko's grin made me both fear for my wallet and a little more for my life.

"So, congrats on the team." I turned to look over my shoulder as Asuma joined us. I noticed Anko's slight rise in tension, and mentally I smirked. Even a ninja cannot tell when he is unwelcome, at times. It was a nice boost to the ego as well, but I decided not to dwell on that.

"Same to you... Ino Yamanaka, Chouji Akimichi, and Shikamaru Nara," I recited. I shook my head. "They stuck em all together and handed them to you?"

"Natural capture team," Asuma explained. "And they've got potential." He smirked.

"Heard about yours. Rookie of the Year, and the Deadlast..."

"Yep, pretty much," I spoke. I nodded kindly to the bartender as he brought our drinks. I set down some money, and glanced over as Anko began to drank. What can I say, anything this woman does is sexy _and_ frightening.

"Mmm..." She noticed my look, and smirked at me. I smiled back. I then abruptly noticed

Asuma was still talking. Even as a single person I recognize when two other people are on a date and wish to be left alone!

"Managing a good team is like a good relationship... Or so I've heard..." He continued.

I nodded a little, and sipped my sake. Immediately liking the taste, I sipped more, Asuma continuing to drone on.

"But, you're a good ninja, from what I've heard..."

"Mmhm..."

"... So really, Rookie, you've got to make the most of it it's not really fair, but well, there you are. Life is unfair."

I could understand Asuma was trying to help, or simply trying to keep away from Kurenai. Either way, I got annoyed. Really annoyed. And when I get annoyed, well... My inner geek comes out strongest.

"You know, um…I used to think that it was awful that life was so unfair," I began. "Then I thought, wouldn't it be _much worse_ if life were fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them? So, now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe."

I sipped my sake calmly, as Asuma fell silent. He then chuckled and shook his head.

"I think you'll be fine," he said.

"Yes, thank you," I replied.

"Don't think you'll be better than that though," he returned glibly. I shrugged, took another sip. Damn this stuff was good... I felt... Happy.

"Maybe not..."

"Still, don't get cocky. You've got a long climb ahead of you," he continued.

"We all do..."

"Fascinating, really Asuma, but beat it. Mine for the night, you understand?" Anko interjected, wrapping her arm around my waist. Asuma blinked, looked between us...

And studiously kept himself from smiling.

"A _very_ long climb," he added, before giving me a nod and moving off. I smiled and nodded back.

Anko's arm remained.

"Up for another round?" She asked. I blinked.

"That was quick." She'd finished her bottles off fast. She grinned broadly.

"I have a big mouth."

"A little unsubtle, that," I commented. Anko laughed and patted my cheek.

"All depends on what you're trying to get across. And there's just enough leeway for it to be taken differently."

"Intent matters just as much as source," I replied, after taking another drink of my sake.

Was it a new bottle? Was it the old bottle? Who cared?

"Ahhh... You're the philosophical kind of drunk," she observed.

"I am not drunk... Merely buzzed," I replied. "And I am philosophical because I have nothing more interesting to talk about."

"Aw, and if I found what you have to say interesting?"

"I'd say you are very, very bored."

She laughed warmly, and patted me on the back. I took another drink.

"It's all in your perspective," Anko commented. I looked over at her with a blink.

"And your perspective is?"

She grinned and bumped her nose against mine. "That you're cute. Especially with your low tolerance for alcohol."

Another drink. I looked back at her.

"I'll have you know, my eyes are my cutest feature," I replied.

"All four of them," she observed. She took another drink, emptying her bottle happily. I watched. I liked watching her. I resolved to do it more often.

I was vaguely aware of the looks shot our way-I may have been a lightweight, but my

Other was well trained. Looks of some interest, perhaps for gossip purposes. Trust me, ANBU has a whole _section_ devoted to rumormongering. And anyone associating with _Mitarashi Anko?_ Prime material, particularly involving the instructor of Team 7.

Infamy and rumor went hand in hand with the Ninja Way. It was something you learned to live with.

"YOSH!"

Oh, and lunatics. Did I mention the lunatics?

A strong arm came around my shoulders, and it wasn't Anko's. I smell the spandex right away, and part of my mind chided me for letting _Maito Gai_, of all people, sneak up on me. It was unbecoming of a spider, a _predator_, to let him sneak up upon me.

"Hello, Tsume-san! It is good to see another worthy ninja join the ranks of instructors! I wish you and your students a long and happy youth as you work together, becoming stronger and learning from each other!"

"Um... Thank you, Gai," I replied. He patted me on the back hard enough to nearly send me over the bar.

"You are most welcome, Tsume-sensei! Haha! Bartender! My usual!"

After grabbing a jug of sake, Gai immediately gave us space and sat at the far end of the bar. I stared after him for a few moments. Anko elbowed me.

"Oi, no staring at him," she stated.

"Sorry, I think I'm a little non-plussed," I replied, looking back into her warm eyes. Anko smirked.

"You?"

"A little... I'm only human," I admitted.

"You don't always act like it," she pointed out.

"I think it's a very human thing to not act human, because if we acted like humans all the time, being human would become mundane." I gulped down more sake, before I continued.

"To err is to human, but to not be human is also human. So really, it's all very, very human."

"I think you're drunk now," she said.

"No I'm not."

"Yes you are."

"Am not."

"Do you want to sleep with me?"

I blinked. "What does that have to do with me being drunk?"

"Just answer me."

I decided to be honest.

"No I don't want to sleep with you. I want to have _sex_ with you."

I abruptly wondered why the entire bar was so quiet. Anko stared at me for a little while.

She then smiled, and tightened her grip around my waist.

"Would you say that if you were sober?"

"One... I'm not drunk. Two, if I was sober, I might not say it... Doesn't make it any less the truth," I recited. Anko chuckled. I felt a hand on my ass.

"You're very lucky you're so cute," she murmured. She took another bottle of sake, downed it, and wiped her mouth with her sleeve. She looked at me.

"Pay the bartender. We're going to your place."

I smiled cheerfully back, and tossed the bartender some coins. I wasn't sure how many, and before I could check, Anko was dragging me out the door.

I suppose honesty was the best policy... If you were honest about it.

* * *

I had only ever had one hangover before in my life, and it was a fairly mild one. Considering the stuff my brain gets up to on benign substances like Crystal Light or more oxygen than usual, and the medications I've been on for depression, I am not particularly eager to turn my brain into a children's chemistry playset.

My Other had no such maladies, but also drank sparingly. A family history of destructive alcoholism had only stopped with our father, and we had no intention of starting it back up again.

So, suffice it to say, I was expecting to wake up in head-splitting agony.

I did, but it wasn't as bad as I had thought it would be. The very warm, soft person against me in my bed certainly helped.

Wait, what?

"Hnnngh..."

I opened my eyes. The sight of a very asleep, very naked Anko greeted me. Her cheek rested against my chest, and she was drooling onto my skin.

I stared in total and complete shock for about a minute. Inside, my mind waged war as it sought out an appropriate response.

_YES! YES! YES! YES! AWESOME! WOO HOO! I AM THE MAN! I AM THE MAAAAN!  
_  
My libido's response was... Not helpful.

_Marry her right now you pervert!_

My inner, extremely order-oriented prude wasn't much help either.

_Don't you dare move! She might kill and eat you!_

And my inner spider instincts were also not very helpful.

Biology called, ending the debate. As slowly and carefully as I could, I tried to slide out of Anko's embrace. She tightened her grip immediately, humming softly in her sleep.

_D'oh..._

I tried to move again, but she clung on even more tightly. I have to admit, it was seeming less attractive to leave. Especially as some memories came to light.

And no, I'm not going into detail about that.

I formed handseals.

"_Kage Bunshin no Jutsu_," I muttered. A perfect (and naked) clone of myself appeared next to the bed. I formed another set, and as quickly as I could, replaced myself with my clone. Anko sighed softly and wrapped her legs around my copy, who did not look in the least bit unhappy.

My jealousy died in the fires of logic-After all, how could I be jealous of myself?

I stumbled over to the bathroom, a bit too late realizing how sore I felt all over. As I looked in the mirror, I noted that a ridiculously silly grin was on my face. I couldn't really argue with the emotions.

It was just so disconnected, so... Unreal. I was still processing everything. I decided to try and relax a little with a shower, and not disrupt this feeling of euphoria with excess thinking.

The world, however, had other plans.

"Yo."

"GAH!" I spun around, pulling a kunai from the shower head. I growled angrily when I saw that it was Kakashi, sitting in the window with a cheerful smile.

"Nice night?" He asked. I narrowed my eyes.

"It was, actually."

"Good, good..."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Well, the Hokage told me to personally bring you a message, but I got a bit sidetracked... And you were, of course, busy..."

I managed to keep from blushing at that.

"So! The message is here now." He handed the scroll over.

"What is it?"

"Do you believe I would violate your privacy?"

I looked intently at him. He shrugged.

"Your sensei tried to escape last night... He was asking for you."

It was as if the entire universe turned freezing cold. My jaw was set, my expression stony.

"I see..." I sighed. "I'll take care of it after I see to my team."

"Your prerogative, Tsume-sensei," Kakashi said. He nodded lightly. "I'll be in touch." He leapt out the window, leaving me to watch him go with a sigh.

Well... Could have been worse. He could have come in last night. Thank God there was a kind of Guy Code around here.

* * *

As I made my way to Naruto's apartment, I fought the feeling of imminent doom. I doubted that my team (and boy, was that going to take some getting used to) had killed eachother. Even they weren't that stupid, and Kokubogumo would keep them from causing significant harm to eachother.

I expected them to still be squabbling, or just miserable in general... The smell of cooking breakfast and the sounds of some bantering, however, made me reconsider my earlier assessment.

"Stop pushing Naruto!"

"Well stop pulling! I can't cook like this!"

"Sakura, damnit, I need my hand..."

Kokubogumo was sticking to the ceiling above, casually knitting a sweater. I had been forced to make my own clothing during the year on the Spider Plane, and the old spider had taken to it as a hobby. She looked down at me with the spider equivalent of a smirk.

"The young do not always do as you might expect," she commented. I smirked back and nodded.

"You didn't have to bite any of them, did you?"

"Only once," she admitted. "After that, they quieted down."

I nodded again, before peeking into the kitchen.

Team 7 was crowded around the stove, still bound by their wrists. However, Sasuke was cooking up tomatoes and what looked like some fish, while Sakura worked on chopping some fruit. And on the other side, Naruto was tending to rice.

"Naruto, can you pass me the salt?"

"Salt? What do you need salt for Sakura-chan?"

"It keeps the fruit from going brown... Thanks..."

"Are you done yet bastard?"

"Almost, dead last. And stop asking me every five minutes!"

"Yeah yeah... You know, for 'rookie of the year', you sure cook slowly..."

"I could always use a Katon jutsu-"

"If you do I'll break your arm, swear to God!"

"Would you two stop arguing? I'm almost done...!"

I climbed up onto the ceiling, and watched silently as my pupils put together their breakfast, and with some considerable coordination, got it over to the table. I was smirking at the start, but now I was smiling.

"Itakamasu...!" Naruto cried before eagerly digging in. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"You helped make it, you know... You don't have to thank everyone..."

Sasuke smirked a little.

"At least he's taking the time to bother... Show a little gratitude..."

"Bite me bastard... The meal's mostly thanks to me!" Naruto snarked back.

"Oh yeah?"

"It's my kitchen..."

"Which you didn't even know how to use without us."

"Go to hell, Bastard!"

"Already there, Deadlast."

Sakura, having lost her patience, picked up a wooden spoon and whacked both boys over the head.

"OW!"

"Gah!"

Sakura shook her head with a sigh. "Can you please just eat? Sensei's going to be making us go through more training, and I want to have all the energy I need!"

"What happened to 'being thin for Sasuke-kun'?" Naruto smirked back. "OW!"

"I'll have you know, Sasuke-kun admitted he likes girls with curves," Sakura huffed with a blush. Sasuke bowed his head and grumbled.

"I did no such thing..."

"Yes you did!"

"HA! Call me a pervert, will you?"

I dropped down and cleared my throat. All my students started and looked back at me. Surprise turned to deathglares. I smiled brightly back.

"Good morning Team 7... Gotta say, I'm really impressed..."

"You're late!" Sakura bellowed.

"YEAH!" Naruto growled.

"No, I'm right on time," I said. I made a few handseals, and spat three quick shots of a natural solvent. The silk bonds dissolved.

"Huh?" Naruto asked. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"You've passed my test," I replied cheerfully. The three expressions of shock on their faces was great to see, even though Sasuke recovered first.

"But... Wait... What was the test?" Naruto asked.

"You didn't kill each other, and you're working well together to make breakfast and make the best out of a bad situation," I said cheerfully. "It's not just blowing stuff up together, it's living together that makes the best ninja."

My pride was in no way feigned. I had thought that the brats would, at best, still be alive... But I could pick up on a real bond between them all, forged in suffering. And really, aren't those the best kinds?

"So, we start missions tomorrow... Unless you'd like to start one now?" I asked.

The trio looked at eachother, and looked back at me.

"No way," Sasuke said flatly. "I need a shower."

"Me too! I mean... Where the hell were you?" Sakura demanded.

"It's been two days!" Naruto snarled.

I stared in disbelief. My internal clock was usually pretty on-spot... On the other hand, I hadn't spent two days screwing Anko Mitarashi before, had I?

Kokubogumo laughed behind me, and I coughed in embarassment.

"... Secret ninja mission... Anyway... One day of rest, and then, missions. That work for everyone?"

Unanimous nods. I turned to go.

"By the way, Sensei," Naruto called. "We're gonna get you back for this."

I smirked a little. "I know..."

Well... It was better than having to go see my old sensei.

Speaking of which...

* * *

Interestingly enough, Konoha's ninja prison was pretty much as it was portrayed in the filler episodes of the anime-Placed on a large rock outcropping over an active volcano. The rock bridge was rigged up with explosive seals, which, if detonated, would send the whole thing into the volcano below, along with it's (presumably) rioting and out of control inmates. You can't say they hadn't prepared for a worst case scenario.

The prison itself looked pretty much like you'd expect a prison to look like-boxy, drab, and ominous. The air was thin, and it was only due to some kind of intricate sealwork on the outside and inside that you could breath easy.

Into this dark pit of despair and horror I went... However, I didn't go alone.

"Sensei, um... May I ask why we were brought along?" Sakura asked. I shrugged a little as we walked through the corridors of the prison, led by one of the guards. Naruto and Sasuke too looked curious.

"It's just a quick stop, then missions," I said.

"Who are we visiting, anyway?" Naruto asked.

The guard opened a steel barred gate ahead of us, and we entered the visitor's area. Tables were set up all over, and other inmates watched from behind bars some distance away. I made out a shock of silver hair, and my memories and those of my Other came into alignment.

"It'll be a bit, have to clear a path," our guard said. "Wait here." He walked to a door on the far side of the room, ignoring the inmates out and talking to loved ones, solicitors, children...

Naruto's eyes narrowed as he too caught sight of the inmate I had, who was now staring intently at us. I walked up to him, hands in my pockets, my students following. Sakura stared in some disbelief, while Sasuke looked indifferent.

"Hey... Tsume-sempai," Mizuki said with a smirk.

"Mizuki," I returned politely.

"Mizuki," Naruto growled. Mizuki sneered at my blonde student.

"You should be in here, you know..."

"Funny, which one of us is the traitor?" Naruto shot back. I rested a hand on Naruto's shoulder, and gave him a look. The blonde scowled, but kept his mouth shut.

"You know, he is a demon... The Kyuubi himself... He'll kill you in your sleep and dance the night away in your blood!" Mizuki grinned. "Haven't you told them, Tsume-sempai? Or do you think it can learn to pretend better?"

Naruto clenched his fists, and looked to the side. Sasuke and Sakura looked confused. I decided to nip this in the bud, quickly.

"Naruto is my student," I returned quietly. "He's a ninja of Konoha. And that's all that matters..." I looked intently at the smirking man. "Tsubaki hasn't spoken to me in a while... She was supposed to visit you. Did she?"

"I didn't come! I didn't see her!" Mizuki laughed. "I don't need her, I don't need anything!"

"All right, that's enough out of you," a guard stated flatly. "Your time is up, Mizuki!"

The silver-haired chuunin shook his head, still smirking.

"Well... Goodbye, Mizuki," I said.

"Go to hell, sempai, and take your demon with you," Mizuki shot back, as he was led away.

Sakura's gaze went back and forth between myself and Naruto. I held up a hand to forestall her questions.

"It's something Naruto will tell you... When he's ready, not before," I said. Naruto looked up at me, confusion giving way to a small, thankful smile.

"Mizuki-sensei seemed so different... What happened to him?" Sakura asked.

"That's... Also a long story," I said. Sasuke grunted, and the guard arrived.

"Okay... We're ready." He looked at Team 7 carefully.

"Sure you want them coming with you?"

No. "Yeah."

"All right then," the guard replied, uncertainty heavy in his voice. "Come on..."

We headed through the side-door, and went through a long series of twisting, turning corridors. They were dark, the air pressure and heat making them stifling and a sweat broke out on our brows. Each degree of decline made it seem we were descending further and further into the pits of Hell.

Through barred doors and steel plated vaults we made our way, until we reached the bottom level. Insane cackling coudl be heard through the walls from one sealed cell-Intense killing intent was felt from another.

We stopped at a cell with heavily reinforced steel bars, over which was a metal mesh charged with chakra energy. I stood in silence, closest to the cell. I couldn't blame my students or the guard-I wanted to stand as far away as possible.

The dark cell was poorly lit, but it was enough to see the webbing that covered it from ceiling to floor, a mess of cobwebs that seemed a visual metaphor for the occupant's own mind. In the center of the mess sat a dark shape, not man, not spider... But a horrific mixture of both.

"Hello... Andoryuu," the monster greeted, mandibles clicking audibly in the dark interior. "Hmmm... Such young, young visitors I have today..."

I inclined my head only slightly.

"Sensei..."

Minamoto Sanbu... Or what was left of him. My Other felt horror, betrayal, revulsion, and an intense fear of this... Thing. A man who had survived a whole year in a world filled with giant, sentient spiders, and this creature was the thing he was the most afraid of.

Here, my memories were of more help than they had been previously. We may have been the same in many ways, but there was still a difference, a separation in identity. My world was filled with monsters, just as his was-Mine were simply less literal, clothed in flesh. They didn't have the decency to show what they really were.

More than that though... I had met people like this man. Seen them broken and destroyed and twisted into something horrible. I couldn't help the pity in my heart, and it was that emotion that kept Andoryu focused.

"Been a while," the Sanbu monster commented softly. The shadows of the cell were intersected by sharper shadows. I felt Sakura shake a little, and I took a step closer to the bars.

"Yes..."

The Sanbu monster stepped forward as well, and half of his face was illuminated in the dull light. His skin was hairy and scaled, and his cheek existed only as a few remaining strands of flesh. His lower jaw protruded grotesquely, a cruel, curved fang flexing slightly. His eye was probably the worst part though-Two small, black eyes dotted the eye's east and south cardinal points, his original... Absolutely untouched. There was recognition in that eye, and my Other's memories recounted so many, many times when that brown eye was winking in a playful joke, crinkled in laughter, wide in surprise, soft in affection and pride...

Naruto turned away, and Sakura gasped. Again, I couldn't blame them. My stoicism was only the result of long years of training.

"Don't be afraid, child," the creature hissed, some strange mouthparts behind his transformed jaw facilitating human speech. "It's perfectly safe in here... I'm behind these bars... I will not hurt you..."

His human eye darted about quickly, and the shadows trembled. He regained himself after his fit, and locked his gaze upon me.

"You are a sensei yourself... You should be proud."

"... I am," I said softly.

"I wonder though... Will you do for them... What I did for you?" The Sanbu monster inquired. His eye zipped back and forth, studying my students in close detail. Sasuke flinched. Sakura kept her eyes averted, her fists and teeth clenched. And Naruto... Naruto stared in silent horror, unable to look away.

"... I'll make them strong ninja, Sensei," I said carefully. "It's my duty."

"Tell me though, Andoryuu... Will you love them?" The Sanbu Monster asked. "Will you... Cherish them?" He tilted his head, more of his misshaped jaw visible in the dim light. "As I did you?"

"I'll keep them safe, Sensei," I said, my words even and monotone. "I'll teach them well."

"Ah, but that... That... That is the question, isn't it, Andoryuu?"

The monster turned, giving us only a flash of his full form. For that I was thankful-Sakura probably couldn't handle it. Not that I could blame her-If I was her age, I don't think I could.

"All the preparation in the world... None of it can keep us safe. Keep our loved ones safe..."

I blurted out the first words to come to mind.

"It wasn't your fault."

Silence. My Other's memories immediately told me that was a mistake.

"Oh... Ohhh... That is what they tell me. Day in and day out, they told me, told me, told me!" The Sanbu monster hissed, the shadows tense around him. "Over and over, hoping to replace the Truth..." He turned his head completely around, and Sakura, who had dared to look again, grabbed onto the arm of the nearest male and tried to hide her face in his chest.

"But we both know the Truth, Andoryuu, we both do..." The monster moved back, his locomotion a strange mix of a spider's scuttle and a man's walk. "After all, it is why you survived..."

I was silent for a moment. The Sanbu monster's mouthparts clicked.

"Yes yes... I am right... I am right! Hahaha... They tell me I am wrong, but you... All three, you stand and live and breath, and they don't. So really, why am I in here? Why am I in here for being right, my student?"

"You wanted us to be strong, Sensei... And we are," I said quietly. "Strength, however... It comes with a price. It always does." I managed to fix my gaze into his. "This... This came with too high of a price."

"So you do not see the Truth either... Pity... You were my favorite student."

"We were all your favorites, Sensei," I said softly. "You said so yourself."

"Hahahaha! So I did, so I did! I told you... I told you... But it does not change things... I was right." He moved then, slammed right up against the bars. Sakura screamed, and the guard moved forward with a cattleprod.

I took in the tangled mess of my sensei in an instant, before the electricity ran through the metal and the prisoner was forced back with a cry.

He shuddered, the various legs protruding from so many places on his body, the carapace only partially formed out of his ribs and other bones either fully out of his skin, or straining against it-It was all visible, a twisted mockery of nature. I could probably expect a lot of nightmares. After all... It wasn't the first time I'd seen him like this, and those nightmares still came.

He looked back at me, the pain forgotten.

"I was right... But clearly, that is a subject for another day," he hissed. "You didn't come here for that... Nonono."

"Why did you try to escape?" I asked.

My sensei giggled. "Escape? Me? Why? Why escape, I ask you? What need have I?" He crawled up the wall, settling upon the ceiling and curling into a ball.

"I have no need... I am secure." He bent his head and looked at me again. "It was so nice to see you again, my student... Bring Ayumi and Jiro next time, won't you?" He bowed his head, and the horrible mess of my sensei cloaked itself in darkness, only his spider eyes still open, still watching.

I slowly nodded, and turned to my students. Sakura was a trembling wreck, Naruto looked ready to be sick, and Sasuke, well, looked like he might have his first bowel movement in years.

"We're leaving," I said. Their relief was palpable, but they still watched their backs as they left the cell. I lingered a moment longer, staring into those pitiless black eyes, before I turned to follow.

I hadn't learned anything... Anything useful, anyway... So why had he sent for me? It wasn't an anniversary... Any kind. It wasn't a birthday...

So why? I didn't know. The trip out of the prison was in silence, and nobody broke it until we got past the guards on the bridge.

"Sensei... What the fuck was that?!" Naruto exclaimed. I sighed, and closed my eyes tightly.

"... It's... Another long story," I said. I snorted ruefully. "It's another little thing about what we do."

"... I think we deserve to hear it," Sasuke said flatly.

"I... I'd be fine not knowing..." Sakura offered. She gulped at Sasuke's look, and quickly recanted. "B-But if Sasuke-kun wants to know..."

I nodded. "All right then... I'll tell you... Later. I don't think any of us can handle it right now."

"B-But Sensei, back there, you... You didn't even flinch!" Sakura insisted.

"Yeah! You just stood there, cool as ice! How'd you do it? Was it some kind of jutsu?" Naruto asked. I sighed, and raised up a hand to them. They stared at it, until realization flashed in their eyes when they saw it shaking.

I smiled wryly. "No... But it's a useful thing to practice..."

* * *

Ichiraku Ramen was in the outer circle of Konoha, hence, we stopped by it. I think a little comfort fodo was something we all needed at the moment, and few foods beat ramen on that score.

Not to mention that Old Man Ichiraku and his beautiful daughter (who, strangely enough, strongly resembled Aerith from _Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children_) were so keen on Naruto's moods they stayed quiet and in the background as we commisserated.

I took a few bites of the warm noodles and broth, and glanced over my students. All were looking intently at me, waiting. Sakura had that kind of reluctant anxiety about her, where you suspect bad news is coming but you need to hear it. Naruto looked shaken, like he was recovering from intense shock, but was already tapping his foot impatiently. Sasuke looked... Well, intense. As though trying to force me to speak with his gaze.

I took a deep breath.

"Thirteen years ago, I was in the last Shinobi War," I began. "My team was led by Minamoto Sanbu, at the time the official Spider Sage of Konoha. He had a wife, and two children." I glanced down into the ramen bowl, Miyuki and her little ones, Jun and Tomoko standing out clear in my mind.

"Had...?" Naruto asked. Sakura shot him a look, and he didn't ask further.

"My teammates, Koroshiya Jiro and Futsuno Ayumi, were orphans," I said quietly. "Between my father's deployments elsewhere and my mother's work at the Daimyo's Court, we all grew very close. Sanbu-sensei basically treated us like his kids... He was a great teacher."

I sipped some tea I had ordered, my taste buds barely responding to it's flavors. Talking seemed so very hard at the moment.

"Anyway... We were assigned to support a regular Fire Country infantry division in Grass Country," I continued. "We did reconnaissance, assassinations, missions of that nature. Sanbu's family stayed at the local base." I held a hand against my upper lip, my thumb and index finger splayed out across my cheeks. It was a bit of a habit-My lips were frequently chapped and I was very self-conscious about it.

"One day, we were called in to do a series of strikes behind enemy lines, taking out a few supply depots. They were actually decoy sites-An Iwa ninja team had figured out who we were, and had used the depots to draw us away from the infantry division's base." I drained my tea cup, and set it down, my hand shaking a little.

"What happened...?" Naruto asked.

"... The ninjas attacked the base... Snuck in explosive notes on dozens of soldiers. Detonated them simultaneously," I went on. "They then swept in, attacking the base's civilian section."

Sasuke grew increasingly grim-It was little surprise.

"When we got back, we found my sensei's family... Well..." I shook my head, trying to dispell the bad memories. "The war ended soon after. Our sensei was... He wasn't himself after. He threw us into training, almost constantly. He kept trying to get missions into Earth country... Hoping to settle the score."

Sasuke didn't react to that. Sakura shook her head.

"But... It doesn't explain how... How he..." She trailed off.

I closed my eyes, and then opened them again. God this was tough... Like pulling a barbed knife out of your stomach.

"The Hokage thought that Sanbu needed a break... That we all did... So our sensei decided to take us on a training journey, that would last one year." I glanced down at the ramen bowl.

"... One month into it, after he was sure the minder ANBU had sent along to shadow us, make sure he wasn't going to do anything reckless, was gone... He revealed he had obtained two summoning contracts, in addition to the Spider scroll. He gave us each one, and said that the real training would begin now..." I was silent for a moment.

"Each scroll had been modified by our sensei to reverse summon the first person to use them. Right into the realms where those summons lived. He had also ensured that we could not return to our world for a whole year... I ended up on the Spider Plane."

"The Spider Plane... You mean... There was nothing but Spiders there?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Yes... What was more... He had taken all our weapons and tools away beforehand."

Sakura gaped in disbelief. "But... But you had your jutsu, didn't you?"

I snorted. "I was the field medic of the group, and I supported the others with a little genjutsu and some traps. Jiro was the powerhouse, but he only knew a few jutsu. And Ayumi, well... She was smart, very smart, and knew several jutsu... But her stamina was low and she was cocky. What was more... He'd sent all three of us to worlds we were deathly terrified to be in."

"You mean... You were afraid of spiders?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Absolutely, one hundred percent terrified," I said. Ayame poured me more tea, which I gratefully accepted and drank. "Ayumi ended up in the Land of the Dead... And Jiro found himself... Somewhere. An ocean plane. Completely underwater."

"My God," Sakura mutttered. She looked ill. Sasuke grimaced. Naruto shook his head in disbelief.

"And your sensei?" He asked.

"He... Got too deep into the Spider Sage's abilities," I said. "You saw for yourselves..."

Sakura looked green, and moved further away from her untouched bowl of ramen. Sasuke looked away, but disgust and horror was written in his body language. Naruto shuddered.

"Oh God... Ugh..."

I nodded. "... I had intended to, well... Tell you about this later... But... I guess I wanted you guys to trust me."

"By... By showing us your past?" Sakura asked. I nodded.

"Expecting you to trust a stranger when you're this age isn't rational," I replied. "I shared part of myself with you guys, and I know a fair amount about your pasts. So... We're even." I looked seriously into their eyes, each of them. It was good that they were all sitting to one side of me.

"I also wanted you all to get a good look at how rough the life of a ninja can get," I added. "It's not all glory and becoming Hokage..."

At Sakura's queasy look, Naruto's scowl, and Sasuke's deep frown, I coughed.

"Don't take this as an attempt to scare you off though. It's not all horror and darkness either! Sure... It's rough... It's horrible sometimes..." I smiled. "But I don't regret following this path. There's a lot of good that comes from it... Ultimately, it's up to each of you to decide for yourselves what something is or isn't." I rolled my shoulders.

"So... Take this as your first lesson from me, your sensei. Understanding is a three edged sword: Your side, their side, and the truth."

They were silent for a bit, before Sasuke, of all people, spoke.

"I thought your first lesson was teamwork," he said in a deadpan tone. The tension broke, as Sakura and Naruto looked in disbelief at Sasuke. I smiled.

"Okay, second lesson then... Memory is the second thing to go in old age."

"What's the first thing?" Naruto asked, slowly grinning.

"I forget," I replied, calmly sipping my tea. Sakura actually giggled. Sasuke smirked. Naruto? Well, he grinned.

The Ichirakus moved out from the background, Ayame starting up a cheerful conversation with Naruto. Secretly, I breathed a sigh of relief.

The bond seemed to be holding between the three of them. Sakura, I wasn't too sure about-She had decided to become a ninja due to her crush on Sasuke, after all-but she was holding it together, even though I could tell she'd probably be having nightmares tonight.

Still... Nobody had quit. Nobody hated me. Nobody hated their teammates. Maybe I wasn't so bad at this sensei thing after all?

It was at this moment my "Spider Sense" went off, and I sprung off the stool a split second before a snake embedded it's fangs in my seat.

"Holy shit!" Naruto shouted, as Sakura shrieked in terror. I did a one-handed handspring and deftly landed on my feet. Facing me, and wearing a frightening (albeit arousing) smile, was Anko.

"Aren't you the casanova?" Anko hissed. "We have our first date and you don't bother to call me for three days afterward."

"Anko! Hi! Uh, well... I meant to call but..." I stopped. "Wait a minute, we were together for two of those three days!"

Anko grinned viciously. "Still counts, lover boy... Besides... You lied to me. You said you'd make me breakfast..."

"I did!"

"Correction-Your _clone_ did," Anko hissed. She blurred, and I narrowly parried the strike of her kunai with one of my own. She forward-flipped right over me, letting me get a _very_ nice look at her cleavage that I would have appreciated more if she wasn't attacking me.

"You really upset me, Andoryu-chan~," she leered. "You're so going to make up for it!"

"Ah, can't we talk about this, Anko-chan-WOAH!" I ducked, barely escaping her knife slash. She'd managed to nick my cheek, and saucily she licked my blood off her blade.

"I think we're past talking right now," she purred. "Let's get to the fun!"

Suffice it to say... Team 7 didn't get to do any missions that day, either. However, I was able to summon Ookamigumo, the wolf spider who had taught me hunting and evasion, to do some training with them.

I was busy appeasing Anko... Which, as you can imagine, was very, very time consuming. And was not as much fun as you might think.

Well, depends on your tastes, I suppose...

* * *

_Chapter two, complete. More to come as long as people still want it._


	3. Chapter 3

_That Most Heinous of Crimes_

By Andrew J. Talon

_Disclaimer:_ I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

* * *

Next few weeks passed rather quickly. Not literally-Time continued on at the same plodding pace it always had, but it seemed to go by fast in retrospect. After all, even if this world was new to me, to my Other it was pretty much business as usual.

I started Team 7 off on tree climbing as the first thing for them to learn. It was nice and simple and had plenty of applications. I think I sold Naruto most of all when I demonstrated how you could catch an enemy kunai throw at you with said skill, and then threw it right back.

Granted, I cut a bit off his ear but he walked it off. Didn't even get that nasty with revenge-Just used an Anko version of his _Harem Jutsu_. I didn't get a nosebleed... I just kind of screamed in terror.

Hey, _one_ Anko is tough enough. _Twenty_ of her, I'd probably walk right up to Itachi and tell him his mother was a whore if it got me killed.

I also had them doing D-Ranks, as many as I could get. I didn't know when Tazuna would show up so we were at the Mission Office every single weekday. Naruto's _Kage Bunshin_ allowed us to do several missions at once, stuff that I considered good training for him. After all, the better he could manage his clones, the better he could... Well, manage his clones.

To keep the others busy, I had Sakura read all my dad's books and had all three of them plan out how to do each mission, which I gave a different objective each time. One was to paint a fence without being seen doing it. That was particularly fun to watch. Naruto's pranking skills and experience had given him a good grounding in operational planning, Sakura's considerable brains let her fill in any gaps, and Sasuke's attention to detail helped them edit it out into something usable.

I wrote down the whole shebang but I'll have to probably rewrite it (Note to self do not write journal while eating ramen).

Every Saturday, I would summon one of my spiders to do a particular training exercise with them. Ookamigumo was a Portia spider, a jumping spider. Spiders are the only arthropods that have a central nervous system, and the Portia spider was easily the smartest of them all. They are rather like ninjas in their natural state: They throw captured flies into other spiders' webs to attract the owner of the web in order to eat them, they imitate the mating dances of spiders to deceive them, they use the terrain to their advantage while hunting-Seriously, these things are scary enough when they're little and not sentient.

So, it's little surprise that Ookamigumo was very, _very_ good at stealth, at hunting, and at deception. The exercises were fairly simple-Try to get Ookami before he got you. The results were, well... Somewhat predictable.

Naruto gave as good as he got, and nearly every exercise involving him ended with explosions. His win/loss ratio was a little fuzzy because of this. Sakura worked at being clever, and more often than not got her ass kicked but she did become progressively better and better at evading Ookami. Sasuke didn't waste any time and tried to kick Ookami's ass before he found him. While he is rookie of the year and he _is_ very talented... Ookami has been at this for a very long time, and about the only times you can beat him is if you are very, very smart (like Sakura), very, very crazy (like Naruto), or very, very lucky (like... Well, me).

In all honesty though, all three of them more often than not ended up tied up in webbing and left hanging from trees. Upside-down. All night long.

Hey, it's how Ookami taught me and look how I turned out!

Obviously my students were less than appreciative, and after finding my house filled with cranberry jam and all my clothes replaced with bondage outfits (Anko loved them), I decided to make it up to them with all of my basic jutsu; all of which my sensei had entitled "camping jutsu".

These were all very basic-A fireball jutsu for lighting a campfire, a jutsu that made a little orb of light in your palm, a jutsu for condensing water out of the air to drink, a jutsu that produced a current of electricity in your palm, a jutsu that would activate the seals in your tent to make it stand up-Lots of fun, simple stuff.

At Naruto's complaints that he wanted cool combat jutsu, I reminded him that even the most basic jutsu, with sufficient chakra and in the right circumstances, could be awesome attacks. After all, hadn't he pulled off pranks with very simple materials?

The very scary grin that emerged on Naruto's face, and the expressions of dread on my other students' faces convinced me to come up with another training exercise to keep them busy with. Seriously, the kid was like Macguyver-Give him the chance and he'd combine dozens of rather disparate and useless items together to form a laser cannon or a railgun or something.

Hence, I gave each of them their first jutsus to master. For Naruto, I gave him _Doton: Kaisaku no Jutsu_, and had him practice controlling his clones from underground.

Yes, apparently digging underground was totally a ninja skill he'd learned off screen. Thanks Kishimoto, that was very helpful. Granted, I was probably going to get a lot of hell from the townspeople for essentially creating a plague of giant, orange-garbed praire dogs, but screw them, it was useful.

For Sakura, I had her learn how to make her own explosive tags, and a rather simple genjutsu that was entitled _Genjutsu: Kyousei_. It was a compulsion genjutsu that made a person focus on anything affected by the jutsu. Obviously it would only work on ninjas below a certain skill or power level, but I figured that, since her crush on Sasuke seemed to be relatively under control, her genius could shine through and allow her to come up with some nasty applications for both.

For Sasuke, I managed to bribe Kakashi into having him give Sasuke some individual instruction in a jutsu or two. Don't look at me like that, I hadn't the foggiest what to teach him and I wasn't prepared to hand over any Spider-techniques to any of my students just yet.

I explained to Naruto and Sakura that I since my skill set was a little low on elemental jutsu, I'd see if I could get them some more jutsu from the other jounin. Though I might need their help for some bribery.

Naruto looked a little suspicious, but it looked like he did at least appreciate what I was doing for him and agreed. Sakura went along with Naruto. And Sasuke, who had already benefited from this, was willing to help.

This is how we came to be at Team 8's training grounds, on what looked like a very nice Monday morning.

I hadn't really gotten that great a look at Team 8 inside the classroom, as I was busy having a panic attack at the fate of the elemental countries being dropped in my lap. Now that I was calmer, I was able to give them some thorough scrutiny.

Shino looked rather like a young Auron from _Final Fantasy X_, in the texture of his hair and his facial structure. Which was appropriate-He had the air of a quiet badass, calmly analyzing his surroundings with Vulcan-like precision. He stopped short and his focus became very intense when he spotted me. I guess I couldn't blame him-The Aburame clan was, quite understandably, cautious around spiders. Like my students, his features were a mix of European and Asian, though in his case the European side seemed to be winning. His nose was almost Roman, which was befitting his stoic nature.

Kiba looked like he had a fair number of ethnicities in his background, but for some reason he reminded me most of a part-Navajo friend of mine-Something about the cheek bones, the hair and his eyes. Whatever his descent, he looked feral and wild, a boy who spent most of his life outside. You wouldn't be surprised to see a guy like him on a motorcycle in our world, wearing a leather jacket with a devil-may-care grin on his face. Akamaru looked like no dog breed I had ever seen before, but that was understandable. Different world, different breeds.

As for Hinata... Well, you think she's cute drawn? She's even cuter in real life. Like the others, she was a mix of European and Asian features, but they had come together almost perfectly to give her the best parts of both. The first description to leap to my mind was Mulan meets Snow White, with a healthier set of curves. She was pale, but not deathly so. Her hair was black but had the slightest blue sheen to it. As for her body... True to her drawings, if not a bit slimmer and more athletic, though it was difficult to make that out through her jacket.

Not that I was perving on a _twelve year old girl_, this was entirely scientific. Besides, Kurenai put Hinata to shame-Very beautiful, though according to my Other's memories, very high maintenance. Even if she wasn't in an off-again, on-again relationship with Asuma, I wouldn't have any interest in her-Not if I didn't want Anko to get _really_ upset.

I'm a good... Boyfriend? Sex friend? I was probably going to have to talk to her about that…

"Hello Andoryuu," she greeted with a smile. "What brings you here?"

Hinata was staring intently at Naruto, a blush coloring her cheeks. Kiba scowled at our arrival, and Shino kept up his laser-intensity stare right at me. Or more specifically, Ringumo-chan, who was once again riding on my shoulder.

"Yuuhi, I was just thinking that, given the emphasis on teamwork for our ninja, that maybe our teams could benefit eachother if they did some joint-training," I said. Kurenai raised an elegant eyebrow, and glanced over my students.

"Oh?"

I nodded. "The better they work here, the better they work out on real missions. Plus, we should always know who we're working with, correct?"

"Hard not to know who we're working with," Kiba jeered. Naruto growled back.

"Fuck you, Mutt!"

"Bite me, Deadlast!"

A single look from both of us silenced our students, and Kurenai and I looked back at eachother.

"I think it's a good idea," Kurenai said. "Though we need to do some assessment..."

"Agreed," I said. "So, let's do some simple sparring. Um... Sakura! You're up against Kiba."

"Er, Sensei?" Sakura asked. I looked over at her.

"Something wrong?"

"Well, no but-"

"Then get in there," I ordered. "Sasuke, Naruto, sit with Hinata and Shino won't you?"

Hinata blushed heavily as Naruto cheerfully took Kiba's vacated spot next to her. He turned to Hinata and grinned.

"Hi!"

"Um... H-Hi," she replied quietly. So quietly even I had to strain to hear her. Kurenai shot a knowing look in my direction, and I shrugged, glancing over at Hinata and Naruto. Kurenai looked thoughtful, then smirked very slightly.

"Everyone, pay close attention to how this goes," I said. "Gumo-chan, go sit with Sasuke."

"Okay!" My summon cheered, and she scuttled over to hop onto Sasuke's shoulder. The Uchiha heir struggled not to shudder, and shot me a glare. I shrugged. Out of all of my students, Sasuke (hilariously) was taking the longest to get over his fear of spiders. Sakura was coming along, able to resist panicking unless Ringumo pulled a face hugger, and Naruto, well... He was still in his "icky things are AWESOME" phase so his immunity to spiders was going to come in soon.

Sasuke though... Well, we had to work on that.

Sakura faced Kiba in the middle of the training ground-It was a covered clearing in the forest, trees extending their branches overhead to cast mottled light all over the grass. Sakura looked a bit nervous, while Kiba just grinned.

"Relax, I'll go easy on you," he said. Sakura bristled.

"Easy?!"

"I was just saying, ya know, in case you were worried-" Kiba tried.

"This is training! It-It's not supposed to be easy! Especially not if you're a girl!" Sakura insisted.

Kurenai looked over at me questioningly. I shrugged. Perhaps my assessment of Sakura as a potential Hermione wasn't too far off.

"Okay okay! Sorry!" Kiba insisted, holding his hands up. "I didn't mean anything by it!"

"Then what did you mean?" Sakura demanded.

"Begin," Kurenai said, a hint of amusement in her tone. Sakura immediately whipped out kunai and threw them at Kiba-Attacks which he dodged.

"Sheesh! Touchy!" Kiba shouted at her. He landed and sprang forward, Akamaru providing a diversion as he snapped out a kick for Sakura's hip. Sakura managed to dodge, and deflected Kiba's follow-up punch.

"Gah!" She cried, and snapped a kick up at Kiba's stomach. He took it with a grunt, but responded with an uppercut to her jaw.

"Sakura-chan!" Naruto shouted, as Sakura landed hard on the ground. I mentally smiled as she remembered to slap her hands against the ground, a judo technique I taught her. It dispersed a lot of momentum that would otherwise be hitting her, and hard.

"Kiyah!" She cried, snapping a kick between his legs from the ground. Kiba yelped and jumped back, allowing Sakura to get back up.

"Akamaru!" Kiba called, and Akamaru slammed his little body against the small of Sakura's back from behind.

"Arf?!" Akamaru, confused, sailed right through Sakura, and I felt some pride in my student-She had switched herself for a _Bunshin_ very quickly.

"Huh? Where'd she-?" Kiba asked, looking around, before a kunai flew above him from behind a tree.

"_Sakura Fubuki no jutsu!_" She called, and the bag burst open. Kiba's jaw dropped as he was surrounded by falling cherry blossoms.

"Huh? Woah... Pretty..."

A small but quick fireball shot out into the cloud, and I winced as they all went up in a large blast.

"GAAAAHHHH!" Kiba screamed, as he was caught in a fireball. Sakura emerged, eyes wide.

"Oh no...! I-I didn't mean to-!"

The smoke cleared, revealing a charred log. Sakura narrowly avoided getting punched in the head, as a slightly crispy and _very_ unhappy Kiba counter-attacked.

"You bitch, you could have fried me!" He shouted, as an equally sooty Akamaru barked and leaped up.

"Sorry sorry sor-OW!" Sakura narrowly ducked Kiba's kick, even while Akamaru bit her foot. "OWOWOWLETGOLETGOLETGO!"

I sighed, as Naruto began laughing and Sasuke looked plain amused. Kurenai, on the other hand, looked interested.

"Stop," she ordered, and our students froze... Well aside from Sakura, who kept shaking her foot to try and get Akamaru to let go.

"Akamaru," Kurenai said flatly. The puppy huffed, and let go of Sakura's foot. Kurenai walked over to Sakura.

"You used a Compulsion Jutsu on the paper?" Kurenai asked. Sakura nodded.

"Yes, um... On all the pieces..."

"Very ingenious... Though next time, you should include an explosive note with the mixture so you can detonate them remotely," Kurenai advised. "Having to shoot off a fireball to get them started gives away your position."

"It's what let me get away in time," Kiba grumbled. Kurenai looked over at her student and nodded.

"Yes Kiba, very good work there... Though next time, I presume you won't underestimate her?" She asked with a slight smile. Kiba scowled at Sakura.

"Yeah... Next time I beat her into the ground," he growled. Sakura scowled back.

"Next time I'll blow you up sooner!"

"All right, all right... Relax you guys, it's nothing that you can't sleep off," I said. Sakura winced and scowled at Akamaru. The puppy panted, and made himself look quite adorable. Her anger evaporated away, and she smiled.

"Your dog's very good too," she said. Kiba raised an eyebrow, and then grinned.

"Yeah... He's a sucker for a pretty girl," he said. Sakura actually blushed, and I caught the speculative look on Kurenai. I smirked a little.

Were all the jounin teachers little matchmakers at heart? Or was it just since I became one? I didn't know. Though perhaps I would find out... Besides, Sakura may have been getting better, but turning into Ninja!Hermione wasn't the best direction either: Too stiff and bossy.

There were ways to fix that though... Not that I would instigate those, _hell_ no.

"Sasuke, Shino, your turn," Kurenai stated. The two taciturn genin rose, both looking a bit disturbed... For them anyway. It wasn't hard to figure out why.

"... and so I said to the bug, 'Bug-san, please let me eat you! I am sooo hungry!' But Bug-san didn't say anything back! He just buzzed! I asked politely you know, there was no need to ignore me, but I felt a lot better after playing fetch with Andoryuu, I love how he throws my ball and I bring it back and he throws it _again_ and I never know where he's going to throw it! It might be there, it might be _there_, it might be-!"

"Ringumo, I think you should let them spar," I called. The little spider looked over at me and then hopped off.

"Thanks for listening to me! Good luck Shino! Your bugs look juicy and delicious: I bet you'll do well!" She waved her leg at Sasuke. "Good luck Sasuke! You look juicy and delicious! I bet you'll do well too!" She then turned and scuttled back to me. I offered an apologetic look to both of them. Shino's face became focused, Sasuke shot me a glare but managed to calm down back somewhere to his usual expression.

Kurenai raised an eyebrow at me and Ringumo, the latter of which had crawled back up to my shoulder. I shrugged.

"Fight," I said, and Sasuke and Shino leapt into action, a flurry of finely controlled punched, kicks, palm strikes, and leg sweeps. Neither could gain the upper hand-Their taijutsu was finely polished, the result of long hours of training every day. Naruto looked impressed, even though he tried to hide it, and Hinata and Kiba smiled as their teammate fought so well. Sakura... She was actually drooling a little.

I really shouldn't have been surprised. She was a pervert, after all. Though I thought she'd have been drooling only if Sasuke was fighting, say, Neji. You know, two bishounen guys fighting, striking, each looking more focused and arrogant than the other as they try to match each other in angst and fighting skill...

"Oooh, I like how Shino moves! He's very tasty looking!" Ringumo said. Shino's eyebrow twitched, very slightly.

"And Sasuke moves like a bug! Tasty... Tasty..."

"You're hungry aren't you Gumo-chan?" I asked. Ringumo gave the spider equivalent of a shrug.

"Uh huh..."

I sighed, and pulled out some money. I handed it to her.

"Go to the corner store nearby, and buy yourself some food, all right?"

"All right!" Ringumo cheered, as she turned and scuttled off quickly. Kurenai's brows rose slightly, and I shrugged in return.

"Kids," I said succinctly, my eyes on the spar. Kurenai smirked a little.

Both of our students had relaxed considerably now that Ringumo was gone, and their movements became more natural and fluid. It was easy to see what they were doing-Assessing eachother's strengths and weaknesses using taijutsu first. Shino's fighting style was very logical and focused, with a minimum of flair. By no means was he predictable though-Well, to a genin anyway.

Sasuke's fighting style was very quick and aggressive, with a minimum of defense. That made sense-It was probably made for Uchiha and when you have a Sharingan, you have a tremendous defensive bonus.

Sasuke leaped up and performed a hammer kick, which Shino caught and used a burst of strength to flip him up over Shino's head. However, my student had done this on purpose-As he flipped in midair, he tucked his hands close to his body and performed hand seals in quick succession.

"_Katon: Goukakyu no jutsu!_" Sasuke bellowed... Somehow... While shooting a fireball at Shino. He was consumed by the flames-Or, rather, his bugs were consumed, as he had replaced himself with his _kikai_ at the last moment. Sasuke was surprised only for a moment before he spun around, seeking out Shino.

Naturally, he forgot to look up, and Shino landed a kick right to his face.

"Gah!" Sasuke cried. His hands snapped together and he swung Shino down onto the ground, hard. A swarm of _kikai_ left Shino's pants and buzzed after Sasuke, an attack my student was barely able to get away from. He made more handseals and unleashed a stream of flames, which Shino deftly evaded. Shino then threw a kunai with a flash tag attached, which went up in the flames and blinded everyone who hadn't closed their eyes in time.

Namely, our students.

"GAH!"

"AUGH!"

"DAMNIT!"

I reopened my eyes just in time to see Shino taking advantage of Sasuke's closed eyes. However, my student hadn't been as reckless as before, and when Shino was in range he lashed out with a hard punch to Shino's gut. A blow Shino returned to Sasuke's face.

"Hurk!" Sasuke cried. He staggered back and got back into fighting position, but Shino had slid his hands into his pockets quite calmly.

"What're you doing...?" Sasuke asked.

"This battle is over," Shino stated. Sasuke's eyes widened, as he felt his chakra being drained away.

"The flash tag was merely a means of cover for my allies, a window wherein either you would be blinded, or would close your eyes to protect your sight," Shino stated.

"And I did it all thirty-five minutes ago," I mumbled. At Kurenai's questioning look I gave a look that said _later_. I stood up as Sasuke collapsed.

"All right, very good both of you," I said. Kurenai nodded to Shino's look, and the victor withdrew his insects back into his coat. I walked over to stand over Sasuke.

"All right there?"

Sasuke glowered up at me, and I shrugged.

"Hey, it just means that you need some more work," I said. "Better we find that here than out there, right?"

Sasuke stared at me for a few moments, before nodding and getting back up. He looked at Shino and smirked.

"Next time," he said.

Shino nodded. "Next time."

Sakura was staring at Shino in some disgust. Hmm... Looks like her ickiness resistance wasn't as high as I thought it was. Might have to start sneaking spiders into her bed if she was going to shift gears this fast on me...

"Just a moment," Kurenai said. "Hinata, come here."

She took Hinata to the side, as Naruto looked at me in some confusion. I shrugged in response and walked over to stand next to him, as Kurenai murmured a few things to her student.

"What's the deal?" Naruto asked. I cast a genjutsu (Kurenai had done the same thing) and smiled.

"Hinata's kind of under confident because of her family," I explained. Naruto's eyes narrowed in confusion. "Kurenai's just giving her encouragement."

"So, she's scared to fight me?" Naruto asked. I nodded slowly.

"Yes, pretty much..." I slapped his shoulder. "You're not going to take it easy on her though, right?"

"No! Why would I do that?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Good... I'm thinking you and Hinata could teach a lot to each other while you spar."

"What do you and Anko-sensei learn from each other?"  
_  
"Kuchiyose no-"  
_  
"I take it back, I take it back!"

I nodded and smirked, before dropping the genjutsu the moment Kurenai did the same for hers. I smiled at Naruto, and went over to watch with Kurenai.

"So, give him some encouragement?" Kurenai asked.

"No, he actually dissed me, I will have to make him suffer for it," I replied quietly. "What'd you tell Hinata?"

Kurenai just smiled, her scarlet eyes glowing in mischief. "You'll see..."

I turned back to the pair. Hinata was in a Jyuken stance, looking more surefooted than I had thought she'd be. Her cheeks were bright red-Little surprise there. Naruto though was holding his hands up, elbows slightly bent, and his feet were placed in an unusual stance... I frowned.  
_  
Wait a minute...  
_  
"Begin!" Kurenai ordered, and Hinata struck first, hand snapping out at high speed. Naruto's hand snapped forward at an angle, managing to deflect the blow. I watched his movements carefully, confusion mounting.

That was Jeet Kun Do... How would Naruto...?

Wait. Duh. Where else? He'd seen me "sparring" with Anko, and, well... Truth be told I didn't have a specific fighting style. My Other didn't I mean. My spider training didn't include a specific fighting style-Why would spiders need a martial arts style that a human could use? But, it had made my Other's reflexes incredibly fast and his body incredibly flexible, so there wasn't much difference between different martial arts. Even if (like me) you barely knew one. I had only learned Jeet Kun Do for a few months-I only knew the basics. But it seemed even a basic style was better than what Naruto had used before-Namely, no style.

Naruto kept blocking Hinata's strikes, hitting her wrists away with each strike. Hinata then dropped down and slammed a palm into his stomach.

"ERK!" Naruto choked, moving back. His hands formed a handseal. _"Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"_

Hinata was immediately surrounded by Narutos. She flashed through handseals of her own. _"Byakugan!"_

"Get her!" They shouted, and attacked as one. Hinata lowered a hand, and dropped a smoke bomb to the ground. She was almost instantly obscured by the billowing smoke, and the Naruto clones fought furiously, blinded...

"I got her!"

"No you dumbass that's ME!"

It was rather comical... Especially when Hinata began annihilating the clones in quick succession. She was quite fast when she wanted to be-Even if she was considered too soft by her family, her taijutsu was very crisp and controlled.

The smoke cleared, and only one Naruto remained. Hinata blushed, but held her stance ready.

"S-Sorry Naruto-kun," Hinata said. Naruto groaned, and held his chest. She stared.

"N-Naruto?!"

"My chest... Oh God... What did you do, Hinata?" Naruto moaned, falling back. Hinata bent over to help: Which is what the real Naruto was apparently waiting for, as he burst out of the ground underneath and slammed a punch into Hinata's stomach.

"HUFF!" Hinata cried, as Naruto's clone slammed another blow into her from in front. Hinata fell back, hitting the ground.

"Ah... Hey, Hinata-chan, you okay?" Naruto asked, his grin instantly replaced with a look of worry.

Hinata exchanged a glance with Kurenai, before she got back up.

"I-I'm fine," she said. Her eyes then widened and she pointed at something over Naruto's shoulder. "Oh my-What is that?!"

Okay, I know Naruto is kind of dense, especially at this stage in the... Anime? Manga? but even he wouldn't-

"What? Where?"

Hinata (looking very guilty) struck Naruto several times in the back, making him fall flat on his face. My hand went to my own face, and I bowed my head as I tried very, very hard not to laugh.

"HAHAHAHAHA!" Kiba laughed. "Way to go, Hinata!"

Sakura and Sasuke both worse looks of disbelief-Clearly they too thought Naruto wasn't that gullible. On the other hand, Hinata was rather innocent looking-That whole Mulan meets Snow White thing.

"... Ow..." Naruto groaned. He got back up, and scowled at Hinata.

"Hey! That was a dirty trick to pull!"

"Um, er..." Hinata mumbled, tapping her fingers together.

"So? You're the idiot who fell for it!" Sakura shouted. Naruto looked over at me for support, and I offered a shrug.

"Ninjas use whatever means at their disposal to win. If your enemy falls for it, then you exploit the advantage you've been given, period."

"So, you mean... Like th-Damnit!" Naruto shouted, as the Shadow Clone he'd had sneaking up behind Hinata was summarily dispatched by the dark haired girl. "How did you do that?"

"One, you gave yourself away," Sakura stated, "and two, she's a Hyuuga. She has the Byakugan."

"Oh... Um, what?" Naruto asked.

I am proud to report that the anime sweatdrop is indeed simply an artifact of the animation. However, if it wasn't, I can assure you we'd all be sporting one.

"Um, it-it's my _kekkei genkai_... I-I can see almost 340 degrees around myself," Hinata explained. "Also, thr-through physical objects, and I can also s-see chakra."

"Really? That's all really, really neat!" Naruto grinned. "Tell me more!"

"How would you like the chance to train and talk with Hinata more tonight?" Kurenai asked.

It came together in an instant-Kurenai had promised Hinata a date with Naruto to push her to fight at her best. I immediately silenced Sakura and Sasuke with a look, though I probably needn't have bothered-Sasuke looked impatient and bored and Sakura, realizing that she might be free of Naruto if things worked out, was trying not to whoop in excitement.

"Why not right now?" Naruto asked.

"Because I'm going to give you all a practical lesson against genjutsu. Then, you will be trained according to the strengths and weaknesses this session has revealed," Kurenai continued, very business-like. "That is the purpose of this exercise, to see where we need to improve."

"Really? New jutsu? Okay!" Naruto grinned. I allowed Kurenai to handle this part of the meeting herself-My genjutsu knowledge was basic for a jounin. Many of my summons were very good with genjutsu, but as you might expect from spiders, the majority dealt with baiting or deceiving prey. All well and good for managing an enemy's attention, but not much variety beyond that.

Kurenai was a very good teacher, demonstrating the _kai_ technique that was used to disrupt genjutsu. She answered all of her (and my) students questions in ways they could understand, and explained a few useful tactics for employing it.

"However, keep in mind that this is essentially just disrupts a genjutsu," Kurenai explained. "In combat, it's usually better to be aware of the genjutsu but be able to resist or counter it."

"Why not just break the genjutsu?" Sasuke asked.

"Because then your enemy knows that you have done so. Most ninja will employ genjutsu to lure you into a trap or to allow them to approach to killing range," Kurenai explained. "If you're able to deceive them into thinking their genjutsu is still working, then you can get the drop on them." She smiled.

"However, controlled bursts of the _kai_ technique can disrupt different parts of a genjutsu without letting your enemy know you've done it-This makes it easier for you to locate them. However, that requires very, very good chakra control."

She then proceeded to place a few simple genjutsu on our students, so that they could break them with the technique. Unsurprisingly, Sakura was able to take out single genjutsu at a time without much trouble. Hinata, while having a higher chakra level than Sakura, was also able to accomplish the same feat, though she didn't really need to-Her Byakugan would let her see through most genjutsu. All the same, it was good practice.

I should have known that Naruto would overdo it, but I was so interested in watching the lesson, I didn't realize Naruto was producing an _excessive_ amount of chakra until it was too late.

"Naruto wait a-!"

"_KAI!_" Naruto bellowed, and a shockwave of wind left him, making the trees shake overhead. In the distance, I could hear a few people shouting and yelling, and belatedly realized that not just ninja used genjutsu, no-A fair amount of civilians used it too... Particularly women as a cosmetics substitute.

Naruto's headband had flown off, landing on the ground. He looked about as surprised as everyone else did.

I briefly thought of a David Caruso-esque one-liner, but they wouldn't get it. No, instead, I had a _better_ idea of how to react.

"Hmm... Close. I think that almost did it. How about you try again with even more?"

The horrified looks I got just made my grin wider.

* * *

_Shorter than previous chapters, I know, but this was mainly a bit of fun before the Wave Country Mission. As to some questions you'll probably be asking: Hinata can see through the ground but it's very disorienting (like the ground suddenly becoming invisible beneath you as you walk on it) and therefore wouldn't have spotted the Narutos underground as it's hard to shift "resolutions" like that. _

_For those of you who complain about pairings, please keep in mind that Kurenai is the one doing the matchmaking-My SI may not be complaining about it but he isn't going to push pairings either. Well, maybe one or two, mainly for his own amusement._

_And now, an alternate ending:_

"This technique..." I began, as Naruto tied his head band around his head. "...Will put your lights out."

At everyone's stares, I shrugged. "Yeeeeeaaahhh..." I shook my head. "Nevermind."


	4. Chapter 4

_That Most Heinous of Crimes_

By Andrew J. Talon

_Disclaimer:_ I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

* * *

Given Kishimoto's propensity for just writing about the ninja of his world (and of those, primarily about asshole pretty boys-But that's another subject entirely), it might surprise you to know that it wasn't just samurai who were getting in on chakra. Monks, miko, priests, geisha-Virtually every profession that involved some form of martial arts had some chakra usage included. Simple genjutsus were taught for covering up blemishes, for looking more attractive, all sorts of things, and the majority of these "glamours" you might say were easily maintained. Though to get repeat business geisha often offered to do longer lasting genjutsu they cast themselves.

There was a bit of "chakra-tech" too, involving jutsus and seals for electricity and other modern conveniences, that a lot of ninja dropouts or simply people who had no interest in going to war helped power and maintain. At first the ninja and the samurai had attempted to keep this knowledge to themselves, but as ancient technology from before the Sage of the Six paths was rediscovered or reinvented, experimentation began in fusing nature's energy with machines.

Obviously, due to chakra usage's nature as a religion it was slow going, but if governments were anything, they were pragmatic when forced into a box. If this kept up they'd have chakra-powered war machines to worry about, thus the standard of living rose across the continent from fuedal Japan levels to close to modern day. Keep your populace happy and they are less likely to revolt, and if a few chakra tricks can be taught to armies of troops who could get their hands on firearms, well, it's worth some blasphemy to make them use those tricks to just make TVs and refrigerators.

Firearms was another interesting thing in this world. You didn't see them a whole lot in Konoha, for good reason-They were essentially banned. Kishimoto had said guns didn't exist in his world, but given his narrow focus of the Elemental Continent's ninjas, it's not surprising he didn't include them-Ninja wouldn't use them out of pride and their lack of stealth. The Daimyo's armies and a fair number of private citizens had plenty of firearms, but unless you could disguise your chakra signature, most ninja would just use a replacement jutsu to evade you. You had to have a large military unit to have enough guns to catch a ninja, and they would make so much noise that a small group of ninja could wreak plenty of havoc on the regular troops before you managed to kill them.

Obviously Kishimoto thought that a Mary Sue douchebag was a more worthy focus of his story, so he didn't get into any of this even though it would have required only a moment's thought. Then again, I was probably being unfair-After all, I was here, he wasn't.

In any event, after Naruto's little chakra EMP, I had taken my team (Kurenai had followed) to the Hokage's office in order to explain what had happened. He had then explained to the (rather large) crowd of upset women and men outside his tower that an experimental jutsu had gone awry and that was what had caused the disruption. Sarutobi had then instructed Naruto to be a little more careful when he was pulling stuff like that. He then said it was a wonderful idea, having the teams do joint-training, and said he'd have Teams 7 and 8 working with another genin team tommorrow.

He didn't mention which, but the slight smile he was wearing as he looked at Kurenai made me think it would probably be Asuma's. Sarutobi, after all, probably wanted more grandkids to spoil, and was quite willing to help out his son with his romance problems.

Speaking of, I was now standing in Naruto's apartment, while said blonde haired potential Ninja Jesus was trying very hard not to fidget as Kokubogumo adjusted and worked on his new outfit, which he was currently modeling.

"How come I have to wear this stuff?" Naruto asked.

"Girls like it when you dress up for a date," I explained. "Means you want to look good for them."

"Yeah, but... Sakura-chan never notices when I dress up nice," Naruto whined.

"Hold still," Kokubogumo admonished, as she used a little webbing to stick in a piece of fabric. Naruto resolutely tried to stay still even as he scowled. I shrugged.

"Well, Sakura is really big on Sasuke right now," I explained.

"Yeah, but I'm way better than he is!" Naruto growled. "How come she won't go out with me?"

"Well, why do you want to go out with her?" I asked.

Naruto shrugged, making Kokubogumo hiss. He straightened up.

"Well, she's really pretty, and strong, and well... I think she's a lot of fun!" Naruto enthused.

Well, that did away with a couple of fan theories. I nodded.

"And, well... I really want her to like me," Naruto sighed. "I don't see how this will help... I don't know Hinata, and well, why would she date me?"

"Naruto, look," I said, walking over and kneeling down a bit to look him in the eyes, "you're _twelve_. All of you are."

"But we're ninja!" Naruto protested.

"Yes, and? You're still kids. There's no need to expend all your effort in chasing after a girl who doesn't return your feelings," I said. "Besides, what if you did get a date with Sakura, and it turned out that you had nothing in common?"

"Sure we do! We both... Um..." Naruto thought about it for a while, his eyes closed in that odd fox-like grimace of his. "We're... Ninja," he finally said.

"Uh huh... And?" I prompted.

"We're... On the same team, in the same class," he went on. I nodded.

"And...?'

"And... Um... Uh..."

I waited patiently. Naruto's frown deepened.

"Well... I don't have much in common with Hinata either!" He finally protested. I smiled.

"How would you know that? Have you talked to her before?"

"No... But if that's the case, why go on a date with her?" Naruto asked.

"Simple. Dating isn't the same as marrying someone-You're going out to have fun and get to know someone else better," I said with a smile. "There's this thing called the 'three-date rule'. After three dates you should know whether or not that person is someone you want to keep being with. If they are, then you become boyfriend and girlfriend. If they aren't, you stop dating."

"Well, what about you and Anko-sensei?" Naruto asked. I coughed and shrugged.

"Er... Well, it's not always the same for everyone... It's kind of complicated." I smiled brightly. "Fortunately, it's not that complicated when you're young."

"And... Done," Kokubogumo said. "Hold still."

"I thought you said you were done-HEY!" Naruto cried, as dozens of baby wolf spiders went up and down his body, knitting all of his clothing together with their fangs and forelegs. The finished product was quite nice, if I do say so myself.

His pants and jacket were dark, almost black, cotton lined with silk, and were cut to fit far better than his jumpsuit ever did. Indulging a bit in my fanfiction, his undershirt was an orange and long-sleeved silk garment, which would stop a kunai from getting through. Finally, his ninja sandals had been replaced with black "ninja sneakers", another indulgence of my fanfiction, which put steel toes and heels covered by silk and leather into normal sandals. Kokubogumo had made all my clothing, and I intended her to make clothes for my team. There were several ways to build camaraderie in a military unit, and matching uniforms were a tried and true method.

Besides, it looked very cool, and Naruto looked more than pleased when he saw himself in the mirror.

"This... This is great!" He enthused. He looked at me with a hopeful expression. "Can... Can I keep them?"

I smiled. "Of course you can. You're my student, after all... I only look as good as my students do."

"So... You're going to make some for Sakura-chan, and Sasuke too?" He asked.

"She's already working on it," I explained, and indeed, Kokubogumo was already working on them while her babies scurried about, carrying needles and silken thread.

"Thank you very much, Kokubogumo," I said, and glanced at Naruto meaningfully. The blonde's mouth formed an "o" of understanding, and he bowed to her.

"Thank you very much, Kokubogumo!" He added.

"You're welcome," Kokubogumo replied. "Now, how many of these will you be needing?"

"Enough to replace his current warddrobe, and a few in a few larger sizes," I said. "Same with the others."

"Couldn't you have Origumo handle all this?" Kokubogumo asked. I smiled back.

"I could, but I like your work better," I said.

"Flatterer," Kokubogumo harrumphed, but she looked pleased. I checked my watch and grimaced.

"C'mon Naruto, get going, you're going to be late," I said. I handed him some money. "Don't forget the flowers, and the dinner reservations."

"Right Sensei!" Naruto said cheerfully as he leaped out the window. "Night!"

"Have a good time!" I shouted after him. I shook my head and sighed.

"Well... Showtime," I muttered, as I took off after him. "Later Kokubo!"

You don't really think I'd just let Naruto go off on his first date without some supervision, do you? After all, a jounin instructor's duty is to help his student in all areas of life, including with women.

Besides, I wasn't going to be alone. My other students were approaching.

"Sensei!" Called out Sakura. I stopped on a rooftop near the Hyuuga mansion, and turned to see a beaming Sakura and an unhappy Sasuke both catching up.

"Good... Bring the camera?" I asked. Sakura held hers up with a grin.

"Got it!"

"Bring the food?" I asked Sasuke. With a deeper scowl, he held up a picnic basket.

"Excellent," I said, turning and sitting on the edge. My students sat with me, Sakura no doubt elated at being with her crush and with Naruto being far away.

"I still don't see why we're doing this," Sasuke grunted. "I always get to see that idiot make a fool out of himself."

"Yeah, but photographic evidence is a lot better," I explained. "Besides, learning how to date is important for any young man or woman."

Sakura blushed and smiled at Sasuke. Sasuke glanced at her, and snorted.

"I'd rather not know."

Sakura scowled. "Sasuke!"

"I already do missions with her," Sasuke stated flatly.

"Yeah, but it's different from dating," Sakura insisted.

"Why would I want to do that anyway? So you and Sensei and the deadlast can photograph me too?" Sasuke asked.

"You could date me, Sasuke," Sakura suggested.

"No," Sasuke said automatically. Sakura scowled.

"What's wrong with just one date?"

"You, for one," Sasuke stated.

"There's nothing wrong with dating me! I-I'm a good date!" Sakura insisted. Below, Naruto walked down the street, carrying some flowers as he approached the compound.

"You're always talking," Sasuke said. "It's annoying."

Admittedly, I was expecting Sakura to just wilt at that. But, Ninja!Hermione reared her head, and Sakura's expression became dangerous.

"Well, you're never talking... It's _boring_," Sakura said.

"Then shouldn't you leave me alone?" Sasuke retorted.

"Maybe if you contributed to the conversation a little, I wouldn't be annoying," Sakura said.

"What would I talk about?" Sasuke replied.

"Anything! Talk about the weather for all I care," Sakura insisted.

"Hn."

"And would you stop doing that? It makes you sound stupid!" Sakura growled. Sasuke blinked, and actually looked over at Sakura.

"Stupid?"

"Yes, stupid, like you can't say anything so you just grunt," Sakura said.

As entertaining as it was to watch them argue, I did have another student to monitor. Naruto got to the door, rang the bell, and waited. I then pulled out three radio headsets, and put one on.

"What are those?" Sasuke asked.

"Radios. I bugged him," I said, completely straight faced. Sakura and Sasuke stared.

"That was horrible Sensei," Sakura said after a moment.

"Hn," Sasuke agreed.

"It wasn't a joke," I said.

"No it wasn't," Sasuke agreed.

_"Kuchiyose no jutsu,_" I said.

"Hi Sakura!"

"Hey, your eyes are black!"

"EEEP!" Sakura fell back as Ringumo clung to her face, and Sasuke was doing his 'frozen in horror' expression as Fangumo, one of Ringumo's numerous sisters, examined his eyes carefully.

"Shhh," I said to my students. "It's starting."

The door to the compound opened, and Naruto entered.

While Ringumo and Fangumo dug into the carcass of a rabbit I'd brought them, my much quieter students and I listened in.

_"Uzumaki Naruto. Welcome to our home,_" intoned a rather stoic voice. I recognized it as Hiashi's.

_"Thanks! Where's Hinata?_" Naruto asked.

_"She'll be along in a moment, Naruto,_" said... Kurenai?

"What's she doing there?" Sakura asked. I shrugged.

"Probably helping Hinata with the date..."

There were a few more minutes of small talk, Hiashi and Kurenai both questioning Naruto on a few things. I smirked a little as they played good cop and bad cop-Hiashi being direct and forceful with a slight edge of menace, and Kurenai being kind and understanding but guiding Naruto's answers. It was amazing how well they worked together, actually. Like they'd done this before...

Nah. Couldn't be like that. Sure, Hiashi was widowed but seriously, that was a crack pairing.

_"H-Here I am..."_

Dead silence for a bit.

"_Hey Hinata! Wow, you look great!_" Naruto enthused loudly. A little too loudly, even for him.

_"Th-Thank you,"_ Hinata replied.

_"Now, get going,"_ Kurenai gently pushed. _"Don't be late. Have a good time._"

Naruto sounded a bit anxious, and it wasn't hard to see why when they emerged-Hinata was on his arm, blushing and smiling in a very nice blue yukata. I felt Sasuke stiffen and Sakura's eyes widen in shock on either side of me.

"Where did _those_ come from?" Sakura mumbled. Sasuke stared far more intently. Sakura noticed.

"Stop that!" Sakura hissed.

"What?" Sasuke asked.

"Sensei, Sasuke is-is perving on Hinata!" Sakura growled.

"I am not!" Sasuke retorted.

"Well, considering you were ogling Naruto," I said dryly. Sakura's cheeks turned bright red.

"I-I was not!"

"Call me a pervert," Sasuke snorted.

"I am not!"

"Like mother like daughter," Sasuke went on.

Sakura whacked Sasuke on his head. Sasuke stared in disbelief, and I couldn't blame him. Sakura had been reverting a little more back to her pre-"Sleepover" persona-Apparently pissing her off brought out Inner more often.

"Shut up!" Sakura growled. Sasuke dumbly nodded, and I repressed a snicker. Sakura turned that glare on me, but I was the picture of innocence. She snorted, and stood up.

"Come on, we're going to lose them," she ordered, and set off.

"Better do as she says," I observed. Sasuke nodded quickly, and headed after her.

"Do we get more good, Ando-kun?" Ringumo asked cutely. Her sister looked equally hopeful. I smiled.

"Yes you do."

"Yay!" The two spiders cheered, before jumping up to my shoulders. I set out after my students, until we were looking over a very nice restaurant. I had taken care to choose one set up after the Kyuubi attack, in order to get Naruto fair service. While Naruto was never outright refused service at various stores, unless someone happened to be with him, he'd get treated very poorly.

The deference showed by the staff though, that was a little odd. They treated the two like royalty, getting them their table in moments and their orders underway. It was a bit odd. Sure, Hinata was essentially village royalty but there was a bit of anxiety in their movements.

Maybe Kurenai had intimidated them. I hadn't seen it myself, given I'd never been a target of her ire, but the genjutsu mistress was apparently very, _very_ scary when pushed.

My eyes flitted to a large party in the restaurant near Hinata and Naruto's table. Lots of people were packed at the tables, surrounding a couple. A man with red hair, and a long-haired brunette woman...

My blood went cold as he saw her. Both of them, actually.

"Sensei?" Sakura asked. I slowly rose. So did the man, and he looked around with a smile at his guests.

_"Attention everyone! We invited you all out here to make an announcement,_" he said. He gestured to his wife with a proud smile. _"Shiina is pregnant! We're having a baby!_"

Applause filled the receiver, and I pulled it away.

"Sensei?" Sakura pressed.

"... Stay here," I mumbled, as I jumped down to the street below. I entered the restaurant, and Shiina's eyes caught sight of me. Her face brightened.

"Andoryuu!" She said happily. I nodded to her, and to the rest of the people. They were all so very familiar between both of my memories, synching up nearly perfectly. This actually just made things worse, especially when her spouse rose and offered his hand.

"Andoryuu! I'm glad you made it," he said.

"Tomu," I returned.

The feelings were exactly the same when it came to this man between realities. Rage, murderous, seething rage. I had to remind myself that killing this man in front of his pregnant wife was not a good idea... Several times.

"I guess you missed the announcement then," Tomu grinned. Shiina looked a bit concerned. Always could see through me. "Shiina's-!"

"I'm... Pregnant," his wife interrupted. She smiled happily. "I... I'm glad you remembered this time," she said. "I know you're very busy..."

Right. Remembered. Was I just God's punching bag or something? Seeing these two together was bad enough. This...?

"Yes, well... Congratulations," I managed. Shiina nodded.

"So, will you stay for dinner? We're paying for it," she said.

"Got a nice bonus at work, it's worth it," Tomu said.

"... I... Already had dinner," I replied. Tomu chuckled.

"You know Andoryuu, I keep getting the idea you don't like me," he joked.

Well, that might be the first idea you've ever had that wasn't completely idiotic.

"Ahem... Well, it's good you're here," Shiina said with a smile. "I was wondering... Um, that is..."

"It's twins, so, we were wondering if you'd like to be their godfather?" Tomu asked with a smile. "Or just take one. There's two after all... Hope they take after me, get nice girls, just like I did," he joked.

That urge to stab him to death just got worse, to the point I actually began flexing my wrists, ready to slip a pair of daggers out into my hands.

Looking over at Shiina helped, but not that much. She looked so very hopeful. I sighed and closed my eyes.

"If you don't want to-" She began.

"I'll do it... I'm honored," I managed. Tomu, oblivious Tomu, smiled and clapped me on the shoulder.

"Great! Why don't you sit down, have some food?"

I noticed Naruto and Hinata. They'd been watching the whole time.

"Can't," I said. "My student is on a date... Wouldn't want to cramp his style," I said.

Both looked over at Naruto. Tomu's eyebrows went up, but Shiina smiled.

"Oh! Would you care to join us?" She asked politely. That got a fair number of looks.

"Er, well, we're kind of on a date," Naruto said. Hinata nodded, and reached over, placing her hand over Naruto's. My blonde student blushed.

"Yes, we are," Hinata managed.

"Oh... Well, um, have fun then," Tomu said with a smile. Naruto nodded.

"Thanks... Hey, Sensei! You want to eat with us?"

Hinata bit her lower lip, clearly looking back and forth between us... Before she softly sighed, and nodded.

"Sure, I'd like that," I said quickly. I nodded to them both, and forced my eyes not to linger on either of them, as I went over to Naruto and Hinata's table. I pulled up a chair, and sat down. Tomu and Shiina went back to the party, Shiina looked over her shoulder at me, before nodding and following her husband.

"Er, Sensei?" Naruto muttered.

"Relax, I'll be out in a jiffy," I said.

"Yeah, but Sensei, what was that?" Naruto asked quietly. He looked over at Tomu. "Want me to prank him or something?"

"Now Naruto... Why would I want you to do something like that?" I asked quietly. Naruto shrugged.

"Well... You don't like him."

"You h-hate him," Hinata added quietly. I glanced over at her, and she flushed.

"Is... Is it because of...?" She looked over at Shiina. I sighed.

"It's... A long story..."

Naruto scowled. "You have a lot of those..."

"Yes. I do," I said, before replacing myself with a Shadow Clone. I slipped out the back, and headed up to where Sasuke and Sakura were. As they looked at me, I belatedly recalled they had heard every word.

At least they were trying to pretend they hadn't. There was that.

I settled in, watching Hinata and Naruto's date continue. It actually seemed to go pretty well from then on, as their conversation became more fluid and more natural. Me, well... I kept my focus on them... And off the party nearby.

Every ninja has their weakness. It's no different for me. And with this, I turned my thoughts towards future problems, in order to avoid thinking about the past.

I will admit, I brooded a lot until Naruto and Hinata were done with their meal. And, as it took them nearly two hours to finish, I did a _lot_ of brooding. To the point Sasuke actually commented on it.

"Sensei, stop it."

"Stop what?"

Sasuke's eyes narrowed. I looked over at Sakura, who had a similar scowl.

"What is he talking about?"

"You know what he's talking about..." Sakura's scowl deepened. "Look, you know you can trust us, right? Can't you tell us what's wrong?"

"I don't want every meeting of ours to involve someone's tragic backstory," I said flatly.

"Ah, so it is tragic," Sakura sussed out with a nod. "So, did that woman break your heart? Leave you for another man?" Her expression softened as I said nothing. "Oh God, that's what happened! And... She's pregnant now... Sensei, this... This is so horrible!"

"Does everything with you involve trauma or tragedy?" Sasuke asked flatly.

"Look who's talking, 'Avenger'," I snorted. Sasuke scowled.

"That's different. And at least I don't talk about it every meeting."

"Awww... Don't do this Ando-kun!" Ringumo whined as she crawled up my back and sat on my shoulder. "You're no fun when you're depressed over her!"

"I do not get depressed over her," I said flatly.

"He gets so depressed he just lays in his web and doesn't throw my ball at all," Ringumo confided.

"Gumo-chan!" I growled.

"Not throwing our ball is very mean," Fangumo added, crawling up to my other shoulder.

"No, not throwing _my_ ball is very mean," Ringumo corrected her sister.

"Then what is not throwing _my_ ball?" Fangumo demanded.

"More ball throwing for me!" Ringumo said, and blew the spider version of a raspberry.

"Ando-kun! Ringumo is being mean to me!" Fangumo whined.

"Am not! Fangumo is too dumb to know you like me best and that it's _my_ ball!" Ringumo retorted.

I sighed, and formed two balls out of webbing. "Fetch," I said, tossing them behind me.

"BALL!" The sister spiders cheered, and raced after them. Sasuke just raised his eyebrows. I shrugged.

"They're easily pleased... But you can understand why I only summon a few of them at a time," I said.

"How many are there?" Sakura asked.

"Oh... Around three hundred," I said. Sakura's eyes bugged out, and Sasuke stared.

"Three-hundred?!" She cried. I nodded.

"It's actually on the low end... Jorougumo's species usually lays from 400-1500 eggs."

"Are they all like that?" Sasuke asked. I smirked.

"Those two are among the _least_, er... Affectionate," I confided.

"Affectionate?" Sakura asked, making a face.

"Well, you have to understand, the Jorou-clan of spiders are shapeshifters," I explained. "That is their greatest strength, the ability to turn into almost anything, like a natural henge. Given that the majority of them are female... And have reached sexual maturity..." My expression darkened. "And are very fond of me..."

Sasuke shuddered. "Fangirls."

"Got it in one."

"Oh come on, we are _not_ that bad," Sakura snorted. She backtracked at Sasuke's look. "N-Not that I'm a fangirl! No, not a fangirl at all!"

I smirked, enjoying my students' bickering again. Hey, the less attention they paid to my tragic past, the less I had to think about it.

Down below, Tomu gave his wife and mother of his children a kiss. My scowl deepened.

_Bastard... Why do I only get the crazy women and spiders after me?_

At last, Naruto and Hinata left the restaurant. We followed from the rooftops, my summons clutching onto my shoulders.

"They seem to be hitting it off," Sakura commented with a smile. I looked down closely, and had to smile. Even after a couple of hours, the two of them were still excitedly talking. About things they'd seen in the Academy, Naruto's pranks mostly. A little about life in the village, favorite things. Even some taijutsu advice and thoughts on jutsu popped up. You wouldn't think Hinata would open up so easily, but maybe it's because she didn't have many chances in canon.

Which brought me to another problem I had been trying to put off, but when I'm depressed I start thinking about very serious, dark things.

Namely, what the hell was I going to do?

I had a lot of dangerous information at my disposal, but only a vague idea of how to use it. The fact that I now had an emotional investment in this world, these people, just made it more complicated.

I glanced over at Sasuke, who snorted as Naruto tripped and slammed face-first into the ground. Now, I had made a few little changes, and he seemed a little more at ease with his team, a little closer to it. He'd been bested in training, which I will admit was a surprise... Until Kurenai admitted she'd had Gai give Shino some help in his taijutsu. Then it made a lot more sense.

The thing was, he still wanted revenge on his brother, and that road could very easily turn completely and totally dark, just as it had in canon. Especially if Orochimaru got his Cursed Seal on him.

What could I do about that?

... I was coming up empty. For all my skills, I was no match for Orochimaru. Period. End of story. Even superior tactics can only do so much against a foe who was so much stronger, faster, and more experienced than me. Even if I could come up with superior tactics, which was unlikely. The older the ninja, the more experienced and powerful they were. Fuck that bullshit Kakashi spouted post-time skip: Nine times out of ten, the more experienced ninja wastes the less experienced.

Except in cases dealing with Naruto, but that was Naruto.

So that left the question of what could I do? I had a few options... I could tell the Hokage I suspected Orochimaru would infiltrate the Chuunin Exams to get his hands on Sasuke.

"On what evidence?" He would ask.

Ah. Right. I had none. Not even so much as a hunch. I could... Capture Kabuto, get information out of him. Except I had no experience in breaking prisoners and that kind of thing took time. Besides, Kabuto was a twisted son of a bitch. He had his own agenda. Hell, even throwing him into the Spider Plane might not break... Him...

The Spider Plane.

Of which I was the Sage.

The Boss Clan of which were the Jorou Spiders.

Who were masters of disguise.

... I was handed the keys to solving all my problems from the moment I got here, and I only just now realized it. Jesus, maybe _Harry Potter_ was right-Wizards can't do logic to save their lives, and apparently, neither can ninja.

"Ball Ando, ball!" Ringumo and Fangumo chanted. I looked over at them.

"Gumo-chan, Fan-chan... I have a mission for you."

"Do we get to play ball after?" Fangumo asked. I nodded.

"If you succeed, I'll get you both your own balls to play with. All. The. Time."

The little spiders' eyes seemed to grow larger.

"A-Ando-kun!" They cried, and leaped onto me to glomp me.

"Ack!" I cried. Sasuke and Sakura smirked a little.

"How cute... And disgusting," Sakura quipped.

"I can always allow you to to share in the experience, you know," I said flatly. "They have two hundred and ninety-eight brothers and sisters."

"I think I'll pass," Sasuke said, almost apologetic. I look at my summons.

"Okay, you two... There is a medic nin by the name of Yakushi Kabuto. He wears glasses, has silver hair, is around 17, wears purple. I want you two to watch him, and make sure he doesn't know you're doing it."

"What are we watching him for?" Fangumo asked.

I worked my jaw a little, and fed a little chakra into my tongue.

I think he's a traitor and a spy, working for Orochimaru, I stated in the language of the spiders. Yes, I was a... Arachnetongue? I don't know. It wasn't as useful as Parselmouth though-You could only speak to Summons with it, and the only way to gain it was to survive being bitten by the Spider Boss herself.

Which I did... And how I survived is another story. Good _God_ is it another story.

But, it was good for relating secret commands to my summons. What did it sound like? Well... It's hard to describe in text. It was a mix of sounds and smells, and to do it I had to channel chakra into a few places in my head and throat and hold it, like holding my breath underwater. Clicks, hisses, cracks, little spitting sounds and other things like that seemed to form the basic syntax. The pheromone component involved various glands in my body I had to temporarily "reprogram" using chakra to emit the right scents.

A spy? You suspect him? Ringumo asked.

Yes.

Why? Fangumo asked innocently.

It's complicated. He's a spy. Dangerous. I need to know what he's doing, I said.

The two spiders agreed. We won't fail you, Ando-kun! Ringumo said.

Right! Fangumo shouted. The two headed off. Sakura and Sasuke were staring at me.

"You... You speak Spider?" Sakura managed. I shrugged.

"Comes in handy sometimes... Only works with Summons though," I said.

"When are you going to teach us how to do that?" Sasuke asked. I shrugged.

"When I think you're ready... Now, shhh... Here comes the finale."

Naruto and Hinata had made it to her clan compound door. Naruto's face fell when he realized the date was over, and he turned to stare with a nervous smile at Hinata.

_"Ah, er... Well, this is it,"_ Naruto said.

_"Y-Yes, yes it is,"_ Hinata said. The two preteens stared at each other. I grinned.

"Ah, the tension... The uncertainty... It's all growing, bubbling up, up, _up_... And it can end in only one of two ways."

Sasuke snorted. "And those are?"

"Kiss or awkward goodbye," I said.

"Can't a kiss also be awkward?" Sakura asked. I shrugged.

"All right, three ways..."

_"Um... Well..._" Naruto began, his smile growing a little strained. Hinata's fingers were tapping together rapidly, showing off just how nervous she really was.

"Or Hinata could just faint," Sasuke added flatly. I shrugged.

"Or that, yes..."

I noticed some movement out of the corner of my eye, and saw Kurenai enter Hinata's line of sight, but stayed out of Naruto's. She smiled encouragingly, and seemed to be giving Hinata some pre-arranged signal. Hinata trembled, blushed, and nodded. She then moved forward, and kissed Naruto.

Clearly, even from here, she was aiming for his cheek, but she hit his lips instead. Naruto's face turned bright red in turn, and Hinata's wasn't much better.

"G-G-Goodnight!" She squeaked, before turning and hurrying into the compound. The door shut behind her, leaving a rather shocked Naruto. He then smiled, and turned... Walking right into a wall.

I chuckled, even as Sakura cheered.

"YES! No more of him begging me for dates! This was worth it, completely, totally!"

"That's true," I said. "After all... Why would he pursue you, when Hinata seems pretty nice to him?"

"YE-Ah..." Sakura's face fell, and she stared down at Naruto. Sasuke, who had looked horrified at the prospect of Sakura _not_ being dodged by Naruto, now looked confused and horrified. Confied? Horrorfused?

I looked at Sasuke, and winked with a smirk.

"Uh... Well... Yeah... That's... That's great," Sakura mumbled. Sasuke met my eyes... And he understood. Guess that "genius" title wasn't for nothing.

"Well, I'm beat," I said, rising. "Goodnight you two. See you bright and early tomorrow." I turned and headed off, having no idea just what kind of events I had set in motion.

But then, did I ever?

* * *

_Hopefully the spider language, among a few other things, was not too contrived. Trust me, I'm not going to have my SI just start randomly pulling abilities out of his ass. This was a bit of a dramatic chapter but more action is next, so just sit tight._


	5. Chapter 5

_That Most Heinous of Crimes_

By Andrew J. Talon

_Disclaimer:_ I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

- - - - - -

Another week passed, and I'd summoned a few spiders off to monitor several parts of the village for useful information. Their primary job was to keep their eyes out for Tazuna, but at the same time they were monitoring Kabuto's movements. The guy might have fooled even me if I didn't have my "inside knowledge"-He worked at the hospital with his father, volunteered to help the poor and orphanages, he even had time for his adopted and sickly grandmother.

It was sickening how such an evil guy could seem so nice. It was also ironic that a guy working for Akatsuki and Orochimaru, some of the _least_ subtle people ever, could be so good at being a ninja.

However, my summons were good at their jobs too. Nobody paid attention to regular spiders, insects, or other creatures if they wandered by. Not even Kabuto.

In the meantime, I kept training my team. D-Rank missions were run very efficiently, especially with Sakura acting as group leader.

"All right! Naruto, get to work loading up the wood! Sasuke, start hammering! Go go go!" Sakura commanded, looking at the plans for the new roof our client had requested. I sat back, not wanting to distract my students. I sure as hell hated somebody looking over my shoulder all the time, and I imagined my students liked it no better.

Naruto set to work with his clones, but Sasuke was staring right at me. He walked away from the job and right up to me.

"Yes Sasuke?" I asked.

"We need to talk," Sasuke stated. I nodded, and looked at Sakura.

"Keep it going Sakura, we'll be right back," I said. Sakura nodded, and scowled when she saw a Naruto slacking off.

"HEY! Get going already! Just because Sasuke gets a break doesn't mean you do!"

"Right Sakura-chan," the clone sighed. Huh, he didn't respond as eagerly as he usually did. Maybe Hinata was rubbing off on him a little.

Sasuke twitched very, very slightly at Sakura's voice, to which I repressed a smirk. We moved out of sight of the house, and I crossed my arms across my chest to look at my student.

"What is it?"

"Two things," Sasuke began. "One is Sakura's change in behavior towards me." He looked up at me with narrowed eyes.

"What makes you think I had anything to do with that?" I asked.

_A few days after Team 7's bonding and our "meeting" with my sensei, Sakura was sighing after Sasuke at our meeting spot. I saw Naruto gazing in envy, and made a snap decision._

_"Sasuke, Naruto, go spar," I ordered. They looked at me, nodded, and headed off. Sakura moved to follow, but I stopped her with a hand on her shoulder._

_"Sensei?" She asked. I waited until Naruto and Sasuke were out of earshot before responding._

_"Sakura, I understand that you have a huge crush on Sasuke, but pining after him isn't going to get him," I explained. Sakura flushed._

_"Well, I-I... Um... The thing is, when we were... Bonded together, I got really... Irritated."_

_"I noticed," I replied dryly. "And now that you're not?"_

_"I just... I mean..." Sakura stumbled through her words, and shrugged._

_"You're... Trying to be nice because you think he won't like you now?" I guessed. Sakura slowly nodded, her cheek bright red._

_I then got an idea. An awful, wonderful idea._

_"Tell me Sakura, did he respond at all to you before you got stuck together?" I asked. Sakura frowned._

_"Well, he... Was annoyed, or just ignored me," Sakura allowed. I nodded._

_"How did he treat you when you were upset with him?" I asked. Sakura frowned._

_"Well... Kind of... Shocked... And..."_

_"He paid you a lot of attention, right?" I suggested. Sakura nodded. She frowned and looked at me quizzically. _

_"What are you getting at? Are... Are you saying I should... Be like that to Sasuke all the time?"_

_"Sakura... I'm going to let you in on a little secret," I said. I glanced about, as though for eavesdroppers, before wrapping my arm around her slim shoulders and bringing her close to me. I lowered my face next to hers, and whispered._

_"Sasuke likes strong women. Growing up, he was a bit of a momma's boy."_

_"No," Sakura murmured. "Really?"_

_"Swear to God," I said. "He's all about strength, and therefore he respects people who are strong. If you want him to pay attention to you, you need to be strong."_

_"But-But I'm nowhere near as strong as Sasuke, or even Naruto-!"_

_"Sakura, there's more than one way to be strong," I said. "You're very smart, your school records prove this, but you're not going to go far as a ninja _or _with Sasuke by acting like every other one of his fangirls."_

_The wheels turned in Sakura. I could almost see the synapses lighting up behind her eyes as she went through all her memories of Sasuke, his fangirls, and her own behavior._

_I added one last cherry to the top of my evil idea sundae._

_"I know for a fact that Naruto likes you because he thinks you're strong," I said._

_"Eh? Seriously? That's why he's always after me?" Sakura asked. I nodded._

_"Mmhm... He thinks you'll be a great ninja, because you always prove it to him. And I'm sure that if you make Sasuke think that way too, you'll have him for your own."_

_Sakura thought about it for a while... Before she smiled at me._

_"I... I think I understand, Sensei," she said. She smiled at me. "Thank you."_

_"Don't mention it," I said, keeping my evil laughter contained only through years of practice._

"You have talked to her in private a lot."

"I've talked to Naruto in private a lot too," I pointed out. "Besides, that's not your main issue, is it?"

"... It's related to it," Sasuke admitted. He fixed me with a flat stare. "Why haven't you taught me anything?"

I raised my eyebrow. In all honesty, I should have expected something like this. Looking over my behavior, I had focused pretty heavily on Naruto and Sakura-Naruto because, let's face it, he needed a lot of work, and Sakura because she also needed a lot of work.

Even so...

"I've taught you the ten basic camping jutsu-"

"You also taught Sakura and Naruto that."

"I taught you how to tree walk-"

"The other two."

"Evasion-"

Sasuke just glared. I sighed.

"Sasuke, look... You have no shortage of jutsu, or skill in taijutsu," I told him. "You're not the rookie of the year for nothing. As I told you before though, most of my skills don't really fit with yours. What you do need is practice in utilizing those skills, especially as part of a team."

Sasuke's frown deepened. I shrugged.

"Look, nobody can do _everything_, and quite frankly, loners don't do well as ninja."

"Yes they do," Sasuke growled. I stared at him.

"Sasuke... That's Itachi. Not you." I poked him in the forehead, which made him freeze.

"You saw my sensei, right? Well... At least he had the decency to show what he was on the outside." My gaze was grim. "That kind of power always comes with a price... And even if you succeed in what you want to do with that kind of power, trust me... It isn't worth it."

"You're wrong," Sasuke replied immediately, anger burning deep in those black eyes of his.

I gave him a measured look. "Sasuke... Have you ever considered that maybe, just maybe... He wanted you to think that way? Think about it... What do you gain if you become just as bad as he is? Nothing but vengeance. What does he gain?"

"So what should I do?" Sasuke growled. "Let Itachi get away with what he did to my clan?!

"I'm not saying you shouldn't get stronger," I said. "Nor that you shouldn't kill him." It'd be hard to convince him about Madara and the other things right now, so I'd use the common perception. "What I am saying though is that it doesn't have to be the only thing in your life."

"Or that you have to fight alone," I added. "You think the Sannin got to where they were on their own?"

Sasuke stared at me, and looked away, thinking it over. I then hit upon the perfect thing to say.

"Let me tell you about a man named... Bruce Wayne."

- - - - - - - -

So I told him. All about Batman, how he was born in the alley of a distant city, with the bodies of his parents lying before him. How his fear of bats was taken and transformed to bring fear to the criminal underbelly. How he seemed mad but was actually the sanest person alive. How he considered himself alone, but had built a family around himself.

Now, I may not be much of anything in our world, but one thing I'm pretty good at is story telling. I was able to hold Sasuke's attention for at least an hour-That's tough to do for anyone. After I was done, I gave him the rest of the day off and asked him to just think about what I'd said. He gave a grudging nod, and left.

Did I think it would change him immediately? Of course not. I wasn't that good. Did I think it would plant the seeds of resistance to Orochimaru in his mind? I did.

Did I tell Sakura to lay off Sasuke for a while? ... Not really. Hey, I have to have my fun, and she was disinclined to change when Sasuke and Naruto actually did what she wanted.

I didn't think we were as good as we could be, but it was certainly better than canon... Even if Sakura did still beat Naruto up and Sasuke still sniped at the both of them. It was without true rancor.

The next week, our second joint training session occurred. Teams 7, 8 and 10 were gathered at a local training field, and the three instructors stood in front of them.

"Today, Andoryuu-sensei will be running a few training exercises with you," Kurenai explained. "Asuma-sensei and I have to take care of a few things."

Asuma smiled at me. "Think you can handle them by yourself?"

It didn't take a ninja to figure out what they were really up to, so I shrugged and raised an eyebrow.

"Sure. I'll have them in bed by nine and make sure they don't watch anything that'll give them nightmares," I quipped. "You two have fun."

Kurenai flushed a bit, but smiled back before Asuma led her away. I watched them go, and then looked back at my students.

"They're going to go have sex, aren't they?" Shikamaru said.

"Yep," I replied, over the scandalized gasps of Sakura and Ino.

"Dummy! Don't say it just like that!" Ino hissed.

"Yeah!" Sakura added. Shikamaru sighed, muttering his trademark phrase.

Team 10, physically, was about what you'd expect: Shikamaru was very Asian, with tanned skin and dark brown hair. Chouji too was very Asian around the eyes, though he was paler than Shikamaru. He was also pretty rotound, but more like a football player than a chubby kid who sat in front of a TV or computer all day.

Ino was rather like Sakura in that she had more European features than Asian, but her hair was so pale I nearly expected it to be dyed. She was also more developed than the anime or manga would have you believe, and was slightly taller than Sakura.

I looked over my students, thinking about what to do. I then smiled.

"All right... First exercise is fairly simple," I said. I formed a ball about the size of someone's head out of silk, and inflated it with air. "Defense is very important to a ninja." I pointed at a nearby tree. "One team will defend that tree. The rest of you will try to hit the tree with the ball. The only rules are, the attackers cannot use their hands or any jutsu-Just their bodies. The defenders? Anything goes. When a ball gets past, you switch. "

Ringumo's eyes got big and sparkly at this. Being a shapeshifter, she had adjusted her appearance for maximum cuteness. "Ooh! Ooh! Can I kick the ball too, Ando-kun?"

"Of course you can, Gumo-chan," I said with a smile.

"So it's like soccer then?" Shikamaru sighed. "What a drag..."

"There is a catch though," I said. "Whichever defenders do the worst... That is, let the most balls get past them... Will be hung upside-down from said tree for the rest of the day, while Ringumo here bounces the ball off your faces."

My familiar smiled happily. "YAY!"

The Rookies all looked nervous. Even Shino. Well, spiders weren't really his thing, after all. Or any Aburame's.

"First up... Team 10," I said. I saw Naruto and Kiba smirk. Shikamaru looked irritated, but I figured he wouldn't go down easily. Chouji looked determined. Ino opened her mouth to protest, but a look at her shut her up.

"Begin... Now," I said, tossing the ball up into the air. Shikamaru, Chouji, and Ino moved to cover the tree, while the other Rookies scrambled for the ball. The first shot came from Kiba, and Shikamaru got smacked in the head.

"GAH!"

"HAHA!"

"YAY!" Ringumo cheered, and she began to chase the ball around, attempting to kick it. However, every time she got close, one of the Rookies kicked it at the tree. Which led to the comical sight of her rushing about frantically, trying to get a shot in. Heck, it was downright adorable.

Naturally, the game was more to keep them busy and develop teamwork than have a real winner-I didn't even put in a time limit. You wanted a winner from this exercise, you just had to look at me, heheh.

I settled in to watch the carnage, when I felt something tugging on my ear.

"Ando-kun, Ando-kun!" Fangumo hissed. "Mom wants to see you! She says it's urgent!"

I grimaced. "I see..." I was dreading this, to be honest. Sure, it's the job of the Spider Sage to be a liason between this world and the Spider Plane but... Well, come on. Would you want to return to a nightmarish world filled with giant, sentient monsters?

Granted, many of those monsters were my friends, but all the same...

"Right then," I sighed. I produced the Spider Scroll, and laid it down on the ground. I spread it open, and began making the handseals for the Reverse Summon. Hopefully it wouldn't take too long...

_"Kuchiyose no-"_

"BALL!" Ringumo screamed, and I looked up. My summon was running right for me, ball held triumphantly over her head, as Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura all ran after her.

"HEY! Bring it back Ringumo-!"

"We need that-"

"It's for-!"

_"-jutsu?!"_

_POOF!_

My chakra surged as the jutsu completed, and an explosion of smoke later, I was suddenly elsewhere.

... And so was Team 7.

"Huh?!" Naruto shouted. "What the hell?!"

Sakura paled, and Sasuke froze like a statue. It wasn't exactly hard to figure out why.

We were in a large chamber, built out of golden spider silk and carved wood. It was spherical, with tree branches artistically grown to provide decoration. In the light of the sun, the room was truly beautiful.

It was also filled to the brim with giant spiders of every description and kind. The eyes of every single one of those spiders were locked right onto us.

Ringumo broke the sudden, terrible silence.

"I can't wait to show Mom my new ball!"

I very slowly nodded, as my students looked on in growing horror. "Yes Gumo-chan... That's very nice."

Crap.

- - - - - - - -

_Well, people wanted me to get on with it, but to break canon. Well, canon's broken. Hope you're happy, because now we're off the map. Here there be monsters…_


	6. Chapter 6

_That Most Heinous of Crimes_

By Andrew J. Talon

_Disclaimer:_ I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

* * *

My eyes widened in horror. You could see the lights switching on in dozens, _hundreds_ of the spiders' eyes. They all knew me, knew who I was. Their expressions changed, they primed to leap. I had no time-Even my reflexes wouldn't let me escape. As one, they pounced, all of them bellowing the same horrible cry.

"ANDO-KUN!"

"GAH!" I cried as I was buried underneath hundreds of little spiders, all gripping onto me, jumping on me, and staring at me with inquisitive, happy eyes as they babbled and shouted happily.

"We missed you!"

"Where have you been?"

"Did you bring me a present?"

"I want some candy!"

"Check his pockets!"

"Kisses!"

Even under this onslaught of arachnid affection, I kept my wits about me. I slipped several brightly colored, rubber balloons out of my sleeves, and managed to bring my fingers together long enough for the Wind Bullet Jutsu. An application of webbing later, and I had dozens of balloons flying away from me, which served as the perfect distraction.

_"BALLOOONS!"_ The spiders cried, and cheered happily as they leaped after them. I groaned and sat up, rubbing my face.

"Awwww...! I wanna balloon too!" Ringumo whined.

"I gave you a ball, what more could you want?" I asked. Ringumo still pouted. I glanced over at my students. Physically, they were all fine-The spiders hadn't dogpiled... Spider-piled... Piled on them as well.

Emotionally... Well...

"Sp-Spiders... Spiders... Everywhere," Sasuke mumbled, eyes frozen wide in horror. Naruto, after seeing the spiders glomp onto me, looked excited. Sakura had the air of one who is trying very hard not to break down screaming-Like a tough chick in a horror movie.

"Ah... Sensei? Where are we, anyway?" Naruto asked.

"The Spider Plane," I explained. "I was coming here because Jorougumo wanted to see me."

"Yes, she does, Andoryuu-sama!" Briskly reported one spider. I immediately identified him as an adult Jorou Spider. Being male, he was quite a bit smaller than the females. Being a summon, however, he was about the size of the orb weaver males in _Eight Legged Freaks_. They were mostly employed as servants and guards within the palace proper. "Please, come with me!"

"Are these sacrifices for Jorougumo-sama, Andoryuu-sama?" Asked another Jorou male, turning his eight eyes to my students. Naruto scowled.

"Hey! We're not sacrifices! We're his students!"

"Yes, they're my students," I confirmed. "Strictly off limits."

"Of course, Andoryuu-sama," the guard said. He switched to Spidertongue.

Though if I were you, Andoryuu-sama, I might consider handing over one of them to Jorougumo-sama.

I winced. Upset huh?

Oh yes, Andoryuu-sama, the male replied. I rose to my feet, and looked over at the hundreds of baby spiders playing with the balloons I'd left them.

You kids have fun, and stay out of trouble, and after I talk to your mom, I'll show you some even better things I brought you! I spoke. The spiders, as one, cheered loudly and did the exactly opposite of what I had wanted them to do-They dogpiled me again.

"GAAAHH!"

"WE LOVE YOU, ANDO-KUN!" They shouted.

"I love you kids too, now get off!" I shouted.

"Wow... You're like a celebrity here," Naruto said with a grin as I managed to get my admirers off me. "By the way, what did you talk about with the guard?"

"Dinner arrangements," I said wryly. Sakura didn't look fooled, but Naruto grinned happily.

"Dinner? Great! What're we having?"

"Not us, right?" Sakura asked. I smiled, and gestured for them to follow me, as I followed the two guards towards a tunnel entrance.

"That remains to be seen," I said. Naruto stared for a second, before he laughed.

"Hahahaha! That's a good one, Sensei!"

"Yes, it is, isn't it?" I said, still keeping up that gallows humor smile. Sakura shuddered, and tugged Sasuke along. Poor kid was still in shock.

It was probably only going to get worse from here...

"Spiders... Spiders... Everywhere," he muttered again.

"Yes Sasuke, very good," I sighed, as we were led to the lair of Jorougumo.

* * *

**Sakura**

It's so hard to be angry at Ringumo. I mean, sure, she just got us teleported into a dimension filled to the brim with giant spiders, the same our sensei spent at least a year in, but she's literally such a child that it's difficult to be cross with her.

There she was, innocently chewing on her ball on sensei's shoulder as we traversed the tunnel of golden silk to the chamber of Jorougumo. The spider Boss.

I had heard a few things about her from Ringumo and Kokubogumo, but nothing from Andoryuu-sensei. That seemed a bit ominous to me. He was smiling of course but with him, that could mean we're going out for ice cream, or we're all about to suffer horribly.

Still, he hadn't smiled once when we were going to see his old sensei, so... Maybe this wouldn't be too bad?

The tunnel abruptly changed elevation, almost becoming a sheer ascent. It wasn't a problem for any of us though, thanks to our tree climbing training. The spiders scampered up the vertical path with no effort at all, we humans scrambling up after with only a little more difficulty.

Soon we came out into open air, and I gasped a bit at the view. I knew we were in a gigantic tree of some sort, but I had no idea _how_ big. The clouds looked very close, the air felt thinner. And for miles in every direction were trees that seemed as big as mountains.

"This way," one of the little spider guards called, as he and his partner scuttled off for a large, pointed-cone shaped structure. Like everything else, it was built of golden silk and wood, a natural part of the tree. In the sun overhead it sparkled and glowed, a shining beacon that you could probably see for miles. Above it, vast webs were suspended between poles, and I grimaced as I saw hundreds, if not thousands of giant insects trapped in them.

"Wow," Naruto breathed, as we entered the large structure. Inside, it was very neat and tidy. More of the smaller male spiders were seen, crawling this way and that, cleaning the webbing of any dirt or debris. Larger females could occassionally be seen, scurrying this way and that. We passed through a few courtyards, built on platforms made of wood, that housed very large flowers and other assorted plants.

"Wow... What's all this? I thought spiders just eat meat?" Naruto asked.

"They also ingest pollen, honey, seeds, fungus, other things," Andoryuu-sensei explained. "They're very fond of sweets, particularly in liquid form."

"So, are there like giant bees here too?" Naruto asked. Our sensei nodded.

"Yep, a few hives actually work for the Jorou Clan."

"Then why is this called the Spider Plane?" Naruto asked.

"Because this is where the spiders rule," our sensei answered. He shrugged. "They control it, so it's theirs, essentially. You don't see ants naming Konoha, do you?"

"I guess not," Naruto mumbled.

"Now, a few things to warn you about," our sensei changed subjects, as we crossed a bridge over what looked like a fungus garden, "bow to Jorougumo-sama, and be very polite. Best behavior, all of you. She doesn't tolerate rudeness unless she likes you."

"That means don't be annoying, Naruto," I stated to said idiot blonde. He snorted.

"I'm not annoying!"

"And no bickering," Andoryuu-sensei said flatly, giving us all serious looks. I nodded, resisting the urge to snap at Naruto. Well, at least Sasuke-kun would be polite-He still seemed to be in shock, muttering to himself about "spiders, spiders everywhere."

"Here we are," one of the guards said, as we passed through a wooden arch into a large, well ventilated chamber. I could a strong breeze from below, and looked down. I immediately wish I hadn't.

"O-Oh my," I mumbled.

"Woah... You can see all the way to the ground!" Naruto, of course.

The structure had been built _around_ the trunk of the tree, leaving a very large gap between it and the trunk. And the branches of the giant tree had grown in such a way that you could see _all_ the way down to the ground. I shivered, and looked ahead. The trunk of the massive tree was split directly ahead of us like an upside-down arch, and within it was a flat web. In the center of the web, illuminated by a spotlight of sunshine, sat a woman, reclining on the silk as regal as a queen.

She was beautiful, very tall from what I could see-Her long legs were visible from underneath her yellow and black kimono. Said kimono was short and cut low, exposing a _very_ healthy figure which made even me blush. Her hair was long, brown and curly, and done up in a loose pony tail on the top of the back of her head. On her cheeks, she bore black markings very similar to those on Ringumo's back.

_Jorougumo,_ I thought.

A bridge of golden silk was extended, and we walked across it. I resolutely kept my eyes forward, wanting to avoid the sensation of vertigo. I wasn't afraid of heights but anyone would get a little nervous, being in a tree the size of a mountain and the only thing keeping you from falling is a thin bridge of spider silk. Sure, it's really strong, but it's still pretty nerve-wracking!

We reached the web, our two guides taking up what I assumed were respectful distances on either side of the web. Our sensei walked out onto the web, stopping about three meters away from Jorougumo. He then dropped to his knees and bowed. We followed suit, and I made sure to keep Naruto and Sasuke behind sensei. I figured only he would be allowed so close, kind of like how emperors entertained guests.

"Something," our sensei said in that weird spider-tongue. I had no idea what he said, but fortunately Ringumo provided a quiet translation. She'd slipped off Sensei's shoulder onto mine.

"Ando-kun says he is honored to be summoned before Mommy, and he apologizes for the time it took to arrive," she said. "He also says he is sorry for taking so long to meet her after being given official control of the Spider Summoning Contract."

"What's Jorougumo sayin'?" Naruto muttered.

"Nothing," Ringumo said. Naruto blinked.

"Oh..." At my look, he scowled.

"A little hard to tell...!"

Jorougumo frankly looked uninterested, and wasn't even looking at our sensei. He said a few more things in the Spidertongue.

"He reaffirms his loyalty to her, and his thanks to her for everything she has done for him," Ringumo translated, "and he is proud to serve her as Sage of the Spiders. He asks forgiveness."

Jorougumo finally looked at our sensei, and her look could only be described as... Gooey. This was a split second before she was hugging him tightly. Our sensei's eyes bugged out rather comically.

"Oh, Ando-kun, I could never stay mad at you," Jorougumo cooed happily, probably quite deliberately shoving our sensei's face into her chest.

"Mmph!" Our sensei intelligently responded.

Sasuke-kun seemed to snap out of his shock, and blinked a couple of times at the display. Naruto, of course, couldn't hold back a snicker. I blinked and looked over at Ringumo.

"I'm so happy Mommy isn't mad at Ando-kun," the little spider said cheerfully. "I bet she'll like all three of you just as much as she likes him!"

Sasuke blushed. Naruto's cheeks were also red. The two boys looked at me.

"Sakura-chan? Are you blushing?" Naruto asked. I looked away.

"N-No!"

Sasuke stared for a few moments, before he rolled his eyes and looked back at our sensei and Jorougumo. I scowled.

"What?"

"Nothing," he grunted.

"Not really surprising," Naruto shared. Sasuke nodded.

I hit them both over the head. Whatever they were implying, they were totally wrong about it!

* * *

**Andoryuu**

"Now, as to the reasons you have been summoned, I have three," Jorougumo spoke. She had not removed her arms from me. Now normally, I would have no complaints about being hugged by a beautiful and er, _gifted_ woman. But, her being a spider complicated things, and fear was just as strong as any amorous feelings I might be experiencing.

"Er, yes Jorougumo-sama?" I asked. The Spider Queen (I didn't like the term "Boss") smiled.

"The first involves the Mizugumo Clan... They have been acting up again. Not enough to violate the treaty, but they demand that the Spider Sage recognize them, show them 'the proper honor'."

I nodded. "Right, I'll do that."

"The second reason also concerns the Mizugumo," she spoke, tightening her grip. I deftly avoided motorboarding her cleavage, but my chin was trapped between her breasts. She looked into my face with a warm, loving smile.

"Ah... Yes?"

"They have taken a clan of spiders under another summoner under their protection," she spoke. "Something we do not appreciate, as you can imagine."

"Yes Jorougumo-sama, I completely understand," I said.

"And finally," she said gravely, eyes narrowing, "the most important of all..."

I tensed. What could it be?

Her large eyes filled with tears, and she glomped me even more tightly, to the point I was having trouble breathing.

"Mou... You have not visited me in so long! I missed you, Ando-kun~!"

"GLURK!" I managed, waving my hands rather ineffectually as I was in danger of being smothered again. Sure, many guys would kill for such an opportunity, but then not many guys had the spider instinct of fear regarding females.

In Jorougumo's case it was a fear she'd richly earned. Oh, don't get me wrong, she wasn't a bad person, but... Well... There are some things about spiders that humans just won't be comfortable with.

"MMPH! GMPH!"

Speaking of comfort...

"Mm? Oh, sorry Ando-kun," the Spider Queen said, loosening her grip. I sucked in a double lungful of air, and nodded.

"It-It's okay..."

"I just so enjoy the human form," she purred. "It's so very... _Sensitive..._"

"Ahhh... Y-Yeah, um, it's great," I stuttered. I ducked out of her grasp and got a little distance. Jorougumo pouted.

"Ando-kun, there's no need to be shy," she said. "Are we not friends?"

"We are, Jorougumo-sama," I replied. "But uh... I wanted to introduce you to my students!"

My students who seemed to all be alternatively disgusted or amused at the situation. Oh yes, they'd pay.

"Mou?" Jorougumo asked, turning her eyes to Naruto, Sakura and Sasuke. "You have taken on apprentices?"

"Er... Not exactly apprentices," I said. I motioned for them to introduce themselves. Sakura caught on the fastest, and she rose with a smile.

"Hello, Jorougumo-sama, I am Sakura Haruno. It's a pleasure to meet you," she said, much like you would greet your father's boss. Naruto stood up as well.

"Naruto Uzumaki! It's a pleasure to meet you!" He repeated. Sasuke rose, and gave a polite nod.

"Sasuke Uchiha. A pleasure."

Jorougumo looked them all over for a bit, before smiling widely.

"Welcome to my home," she said. "I am very pleased that Ando-kun has been given charges to train at last. I understand it is a great honor for a ninja to have apprentices?"

"Yes, we're very honored," Sakura said. Very smart girl.

"He's taught us a lot, but he's kind of weird," Naruto opined.

"He's... All right," Sasuke said after a pause.

Well... Could have been worse. They might have been lying.

Well, the other two might have been lying...

"Splendid! So, which of them will be your apprentice?" Jorougumo asked.

I was silent for a moment. "Well, I haven't really decided yet... Plus, it's a little early to be thinking about that..."

"You were not much older when you learned our ways, Ando-kun," Jorougumo reminded me. I coughed.

"Yes, but those were... Special circumstances," I said. Sakura flinched, probably remembering our meeting with my sensei.

"Nevertheless... Aha! I have the perfect solution!" She said cheerfully. "You will instruct all of them in our arts, and see which one has the greatest aptitude for them."

"Ah... Well..." Jorougumo's look would broke no argument, and in all honesty, I didn't have any real reason to deny her... Reasons that didn't include cross-dimensional knowledge, that is.

"Of course, Jorougumo-sama."

"Good," she purred. "Now, Rin-chan, take our guests to your room and entertain them. I have... _Many_ things to discuss with Ando-kun," she said with a wicked smile. I gave her a weak, sickly one in return.

"Okay Mommy! Come on, I wanna show you my room! It's great! I decorated it myself!" Ringumo babbled happily as she scuttled off the web. My students shot me pitying looks, which I took stoically. They headed out over the silk bridge, leaving me with the Spider Queen.

"Well Ando-kun... I would like you to start by telling me what you have been up to," Jorougumo said, sitting down in the center of the web. She snapped her fingers, and several males appeared, carrying various containers of food. "We have so much catching up to do!" She said with a broad smile.

"Yes Jorougumo-sama," I said, sitting down in front of her. I took one of the offered containers, and sniffed it. It was a spider drink-A kind of warm, fermented honey. Wasn't too bad, actually. But I'd prefer to not be inebriated around Jorougumo-She had a tendency to get... Kind of grabby.

In either form...

* * *

**Sasuke**

I hate spiders. No sane individual would love them after being what I've been through, what I've seen. Which is why I am fully convinced our sensei, and my teammates, are all completely, one hundred percent insane.

They're _spiders_, why would you trust them? If they can give me power, fine, but I will never be comfortable around them. Especially Ringumo. How are you supposed to take being told "You look and smell _delicious!_"

Said little monster was leading us through the tunnels of the vast spider... Palace, I suppose you could call it... To her room.

No doubt decorated with the bodies of numerous victims. Even if they are merely insects I will be disturbed-She sees me the same way.

"There's Ren-chan's room, and Tan-chan's room, and Go-chan's room, and Hun-chan's room," she was rattling off, pointing at variously-shaped web constructs we passed. We were descending through the vast tree towards the eastern part of it, still quite high up but lower than the cap up top. "And here's my room!"

"It's... Spherical," Sakura stated. I rolled my eyes-Nobody could see me do it. Leave it to her to point out the obvious.

"Yes, it's the bestest shape ever!" Ringumo said happily. She crawled up a silk line to a hole in the side of her "room", which was situation on the top of the branch. Sunlight shone down on it, giving it an aesthetic effect that was not entirely unmoving.

But they were still spiders. _Spiders!_

"Let's go!" Naruto shouted, hopping up to the hole and slipping in. Sakura looked at me, shrugged, and followed. I sighed, and leaped up after them.

The interior was... Not the horrific den of death and decay I had been assuming. It was simple but clean, with what appeared to be a kind of hammock which I presumed was for sleeping, and even some shelves that ringed the walls of the sphere.

And there were balls everywhere. Literally.

"Woah... She really likes balls," Naruto muttered. Ringumo jumped up to one shelf and smiled at us.

"It's my collection! My nee-chans and nii-chans and Ando-kun all give me balls from anywhere they go!" She held up a baseball.

"This is a _base_ball," she said. She put it down, and jumped to another shelf. "And this is a _bowling_ ball! Ooh! Ooh! And this is a rock that's shaped like a ball!"

I looked over at my teammates. Sakura looked as though she thought this was cute. Naruto walked over to a shelf and, God help us all, asked a question about a particularly large black, solid-looking ball held together with webbing.

"What's this one?"

"Ooh, that's my egg!" Ringumo said, scuttling over and very carefully picking it up. She held it out to us. "Wanna touch it?"

"Sure Rin-chan," Sakura said, reaching out to very lightly touch the sphere. I just glared as she held it out to me. She did the spider equivalent of a shrug, and held it out to Naruto. Naruto, big idiot he is, picked it up and studied it.

"Wow... You came out of this?" Naruto asked. Ringumo nodded.

"Uh huh! I was really little when I came out of it!"

"You're really little now," Naruto pointed out with a grin. Ringumo huffed.

"I'm not really this size..."

"Huh? Then how big are you, really?"

We got our answer when Ringumo suddenly expanded in size. My first (unfortunate) meeting with the little monster, she was a little bigger than a dinner plate, about the size of a person's head. She had grown a bit, to the size of a small dog, but I'd barely noticed it.

Her true size, apparently, made her four feet tall and significantly bigger. Sakura jumped. Good.

"Woah... So that's why you go around little?" Naruto asked. Ringumo nodded, before shrinking back to her usual size.

"That and I like riding on Ando-kun's head, or shoulder," she said cheerfully. "I love him! He was the first thing I ever saw, you know! And he gave me my egg!" She picked it up again and cuddled it.

"You must really like him then, huh?" Sakura said.

"He was the first thing you ever saw?" Naruto asked. "You mean, he was there when you were born?"

"Uh huh! He saved me and my brothers and sisters from bein' eaten! And he took us home to Mommy! That's how he met Mommy, by the way."

So clearly, he was insane from an early age. Then again, being cast into this world, getting allies of any kind would help you survive... That is, unless you weren't strong enough to fight for yourself.

I know what he had said, the story of this Batman... And his logic concerning the need for teachers and teammates against stronger enemies was sound. I needed teachers. Working together in a team though... _He_ hadn't needed one. He was too powerful for that. Maybe striking him down with others would get the job done, but I would prove myself less than him. Less powerful, less determined...

"Sasuke?"

I looked down at Ringumo. She was holding a bright red rubber ball.

"I wanna give you this!" Ringumo said cheerfully.

I blinked. "Why?"

"Cause balls always cheer me up, and you look depressed! So, have a ball!" She said, pushing it towards me.

"... I don't want it," I said. The spider, God help me, actually looked sad. Her size changing had apparently also emphasized the size of her eyes... Well, two of them. They actually had irises, big yellow ones.

"... Are you tearing up? How can you do that?" I asked flatly.

"Oh! I make myself more human like that because I like it," the little spider responded. "In fact, I can make myself totally human if I want to!"

"Totally human? A complete transformation?" Sakura asked. Naruto scoffed.

"So what? I can do that!"

"Your stupid Sexy Jutsu doesn't count!" Sakura snarled. She looked over at Ringumo. "You can become totally human?"

"Oh yes! Most of us Jorou spiders can! I just need blood," she said. I blinked.

"Blood?"

"Yeah. Blood, skin, hair, bone, anything from a living creature, and we can turn into it," Ringumo said. "It's different from regular transformations in that we can maintain the form as long as we want to."

"So, you guys turn into humans...?" Sakura looked sick. I felt vindicated. And sick.

"Oh, don't worry! We only need a little, like a drop," Ringumo said. "We don't kill anyone..."

"So, you travel into the human world for our blood?" Sakura asked. Ringumo nodded.

"Yup! We each want our own unique form, so we collect blood from people with features we like and mix and match their features!"

"Why humans though?" Naruto asked.

"Because humans are great! You're so sensitive and warm and it feels great to take baths as humans!" Ringumo smiled... Then look depressed.

"But I haven't been able to get enough blood to form my own human form yet," she sighed.

"Why not?" Naruto asked.

"It's tasty. I keep eating it."

We all stared, sharing in the horror. Ringumo looked confused.

"What? You are! You should be happy! Honey bees don't taste anywhere as good, even though all they eat is honey! But you guys taste really yummy!"

"Well, er... Thanks, I guess," Naruto said. "So, you don't have enough blood for it? How many samples do you need?"

"I need at least four samples. I already have one..." She looked speculatively at all of us. I immediately shook my head.

"No."

"Oh, please, please, please?" Ringumo begged. "I wanna be human, please? Please? Please? Please?"

To my shock, it was Naruto who looked over at us and shrugged. "Well... I wouldn't mind."

"Naruto?" Sakura asked. Naruto shrugged and grinned.

"Hey, would you want to go around in armor all the time?" He asked. Sakura frowned.

"Well..."

"I promise I'd never ever ever turn into any one of you without your permission, I promise!" Ringumo said. Sakura considered it.

"No," I said again. "You're not getting any of my blood."

"Don't be such a bastard, Sasuke!" Naruto growled.

"Don't be such an idiot, Deadlast," I snorted. "You're really going to let her turn _into_ you?"

"Why not? Ninjas turn into other people all the time!" Naruto argued defensively. "How's this any different?"

"Plus... She is asking," Sakura pointed out. My teammates looked at me, Naruto glaring, Sakura looking reproachful. And Ringumo's eyes were big and cute and teary.

... Goddamnit, I actually felt pity for this little monster.

... That, and she'd probably bother me about it until I gave in. I'd seen her following our sensei around begging for various things until she got them. He appeased her by throwing her a bone (or, more often in her case, a ball) but did get her sweets.

She was such a child... Try as I might, I can't really hate children.

I don't think I want to, to be honest.

"... Fine," I muttered, holding out my hand. Ringumo squealed happily, and tossed me her ball.

"Have it!"

"Keep it... Let's just get this over with," I muttered. Ringumo scuttled over, and very lightly pricked my finger with her fang. It didn't even hurt. She gathered up the blood, then went to Sakura and Naruto. Sakura winced a little, which was nothing new. Naruto took it bravely, only twitching a little.

Okay, maybe he does have some courage.

"Okay!" Ringumo said cheerfully. Her body... Changed. Rather than a poof of smoke as I'd been expecting, she grew in size and changed colors. Her extra legs and eyes vanished, her body shifted into the more recognizable proportions of a human...

A human female.

A _naked_ human female.

"Hwah?!" Naruto cried, eyes bugging out. I managed to keep my nose from bleeding only through sheer willpower. Ringumo smiled, wearing the form of... Hinata Hyuuga.

"H-Hinata? She gave you blood?" Naruto managed through a bleeding nose. She nodded happily.

"Uh huh! I just asked! Now, let's see..." Ringumo's borrowed body changed quickly. Her hair shifted through several colors, before Ringumo settled on a kind of strawberry blonde. Her face took on some of my features, though her skin tone was definitely Naruto's. From Sakura, she took her eye color and a bit of her height.

It didn't help my nosebleed at all, that I can assure you.

"H-Hey, cover up Ringumo!" Sakura cried. "Humans don't go around naked!"

"Huh? Oh, right," Ringumo said. She gained clothing through a genjutsu, simple blue shorts and a black shirt. She grinned broadly.

"How do I look?"

"Um... R-Really good," Naruto managed.

"Yeah," Sakura replied, blushing a bit herself. Knew she was a pervert... All that rivalry with Ino made a lot more sense now...

"It's fine," I muttered. Ringumo smiled, and hugged Naruto and Sakura.

"Awww... Thank you so much, you guys!" She cried. She let them go and moved towards me.

"Do not hug me," I said. Ringumo pouted.

"Awww... Well, I wanna try it out! Let's go to the baths!" She leaped through the hole in the wall. "Last one in is mosquito larvae!"

"Do you think we should follow her?" Naruto asked. Sakura groaned, and shot off after her.

"Without her, I don't think we'll be able to get around!" She called over her shoulder. Naruto and I were left alone. He looked at me, and I scowled.

"What?"

"Uh... Well..." He shrugged. "Just... You know... Hinata's really... Er..."

I stared at him, and grunted. "Yeah..."

I had to admit... She did hide a lot under her coat... Hmmm...

Nah. Byakugan and Sharingan didn't mix well, and besides, she was head over heels for the idiot here. I didn't need to court a girl with such poor taste.

"C'mon, I'm not getting lost in this crazy place with you," I grumbled, jumping out.

"HEY! I'm not getting lost with YOU!" Naruto shouted back, as he quickly caught up.

* * *

**Andoryuu**

Combat, like music, requires rhythm. Good rhythm lets you provide a foundation for melody and to maintain harmony with other musicians. Being a musician myself I understood this need. My Other, being a trained ninja, also understood this.

Block, kick, punch, drop and sweep, deflect, punch, dodge... It all flowed together between myself and Jorougumo. Fighting on a web wasn't an issue-I knew how to fight anywhere, thanks in large part to this woman here.

Every strike I made, she blocked or dodged. Every attack she made, I managed to dodge... Until she blurred and slammed a flat palm into my stomach.

I relaxed my muscles as trained and snapped a kick up at her face. She dodged, and the world hyper-focused as I blurred as well, trying to punch her face. She tilted her head just a little, and my fist had to snap back to avoid being caught in her grip.

"Very good," Jorougumo complimented. "I only hit you once at this level. You've improved." She smiled, the serenity of a master of her art shining through.

"You move very well."

"Thank you, Jorougumo-sama," I replied, controlling my breathing carefully. "You are a good teacher."

Her serenity vanished as she blushed and then leaped at me.

"GAH!"

"Oh Ando-kun, you say the nicest things!" She said, glomping me happily. I groaned.

Jorougumo has mood swings like most people have facial expressions, my Other's memories calmly pointed out. Then again, he didn't know how to predict her either, so I was just as good as myself... Or bad...

In any event, I managed to free myself again, as Jorougumo giggled.

"Ah, I have missed sparring with you," Jorougumo sighed. She smiled wickedly. "Especially practicing grappling and holds~..."

"Er... Yes, that was... Informative," I managed, backing away. Jorougumo moved closer.

"But really, such activities are merely the action of a master and her beloved student."

"Ah, you are my beloved teacher though," I pointed out, scooting backwards more. I tried not to convey fear-That just seemed to excite her more.

How convenient-Male spiders fear females but cannot help but be drawn to them, and female spiders _love_ fear. It works that way in many humans as well.

"Au, but you have not visited me in so long!" Jorougumo pouted. First the calm sensei, then the wanton woman, and now, she looked like a sulky girl. It was a wonder my Other didn't get whiplash dealing with her.

Oh, right, he and I both kind of liked crazy women. Geez, why couldn't he have been into mousy girls? Then at least one part of us wouldn't be reacting...

"Well, I have been very busy..."

"You always have time for Rin-chan and her brothers and sisters," Jorougumo huffed.

"Ah, well, I don't think you'd appreciate me summoning you just to torment lowlifes, Jorougumo-sama," I said carefully, "you are far too important to trifle with that."

She raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"Yes, really..."

She blurred and we were suddenly nose to nose.

"But that means more time with you, Ando-kun... I could tolerate anything for you," she said with a bit of a sexy whine. I coughed.

"Ah... Then I'd have to explain to the Hokage why I was summoning my Boss summon frequently..." Her arms were threatening to wrap around me again. It was very, _very_ fortunate that one of the first things the spiders taught me was how to move _very_ fast in a crouch.

"Umph!" She grunted as she missed me again. She pouted at me.

"You could resolve all your problems quite easily, you know," she said.

"Jorougumo-sama, er, I don't think you should move in with me," I said quickly. "URK!" She tackled and glomped me. Oh, right, she had how many years more experience with their techniques than me again?

She was just playing with me... As usual.

"Well, we could always get married, you know," she said cheerfully. "In case you're afraid of living in sin... Which might also be fun," Jorougumo ended on a purr. I coughed.

You could only run so far from certain subjects with her... Or any woman, for that matter. The only other option I had was distraction.

"Oh dear, I um... I haven't had my bath yet, Jorougumo-sama," I said. "I um, need to get cleaned up."

"A bath?" Jorougumo asked happily. "I _love_ baths! Let's both take one!"

"Er, that's not what I-YEOW!"

Now, I know what you're thinking: The baths? What was I thinking? Did I want to get raped by Jorougumo? Or for that matter, by any of the other female spiders, no doubt in human form, enjoying themselves in the hot springs at the base of the tree?

Well the answer is, of course, _no_. They may have been in human bodies but they were still spiders. And if an "adopted spider" such as myself could be strongly influenced by spider instincts, then even in human form spiders are going to be tempted to eat their mates after doing the deed.

Trust me. I know.

However, there was a method to my madness... Which I kept firmly repeating in my head as Jorougumo teleported us down between the massive roots of the tree.

Yeah, she can do that. And yes, it is pretty damn cool.

The hot springs themselves were separated by massive roots and large rocks, but from our position on top of a larger root, we could see everything (and I do mean _everything_). Women of every skin color, creed or description (but all beautiful) laughed and drank and enjoyed the warm water. It was Peeping Heaven-Beautiful women as far as the eye could see, nude, in steaming hot water.

I don't think Jiraiya would mind that they were all actually giant spiders in morph. Hell, he could probably write a whole series using that as the premise.

Every eye turned towards us. Every eye widened in recognition. Hoo boy...

"Ando-kun!"

"Ando-kun!"

"Ando-kun!"

"Sensei?!"

Aha! Salvation! "Oh look, over there, my students. Let's go see them," I said quickly. Jorougumo smiled.

"Wonderful idea!"

I zipped down, studiously keeping my eyes on the two hot springs that held my students. It seemed that Sakura had made sure they were situated a fair distance from the heavily occupied ones. It didn't stop many of the spider-women from congregating around the pools in question, no doubt curious about these outsiders.

I landed on a boulder separating the two, and heard Sakura's scandalized gasp.

"Sensei!"

"Oh relax, Sakura, I have no intentions towards you of that nature," I said dismissively. I looked over to Sasuke and Naruto, who were sharing a pool. Both were very red faced, and I doubted it was just because of the heat.

"Hey, Ando-kun, hey hey! I got a human form!" A blonde girl I instantly recognized as Ringumo cheered. She stood up out of the water and twirled around. "How do I look?"

"It's good, Ringumo," I said with a perfectly straight face. Hey, I was _not_ into underaged girls, thank you very much. Especially not underaged spider lolis. Or should I say moe, given it looked like she'd borrowed Hinata's DNA for her gestalt. Sakura blushed, looking scandalized at Ringumo's behavior. However, she didn't yell at me. Hmm... Then again, I wasn't perving now was I?

"Ooh! Mommy, Mommy, come soak with us!" Ringumo called. Jorougumo's hands came around me, and I tried not to sweat.

"Mmm... Andoryuu and I have much to discuss... We will require a-"

"Sure, we'll soak together," I said quickly. "Scoot over Naruto, Sasuke."

"Sure sensei," Naruto said. Jorougumo looked between the two pools, pursed her lips, and then smiled.

"I know! Let's all soak in one pool together... That's the best solution, I feel."

"Ah, Jorougumo-sama-" Her grip tightened, and I winced. "... Right. Sure."

Just imagine how I'd be acting if I didn't have a plan...

* * *

_Yes, I know, it seems like filler but it'll all make sense later. By the way, yes, I am doing a little POV switching to offer some different perspectives and hopefully avoid Gary Stu-ness. Admittedly, it's kind of pointless at this point so... Call it... Practice, I suppose.  
_

_Just enjoy the fun before I set up some WHAMs, okay? Okay.  
_


	7. Chapter 7

_That Most Heinous of Crimes_

By Andrew J. Talon

_Disclaimer:_ I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

* * *

**Andoryuu**

Hot springs are a fixture in Japanese culture. It'd be easier to make a list of anime and manga where they _don't_ appear than it would be to make a list where they do. Like trying to imagine an American sitcom that doesn't take place in New York.

Why did I mention that? Well, I wanted to keep in the proper mindset, that of the scientist. Makes it harder to be distracted by emotions... In particular those generated by two very attractive, very stacked, and very _naked_ females sitting on either side of me in a bath.

"Haaa... Isn't this nice, Ando-kun?" Jorougumo asked, stretching quite provocatively. Naruto and Sasuke, sitting across from us, immediately looked elsewhere, covering their noses. Sakura, amusingly enough, did the same thing.

"Yeah! This is grrrreat," Ringumo moaned, sinking deeper into the hot water of Jorougumo's private bath. "Can't believe I didn't become human sooner..."

"Yes, it's very nice," I said.

"Thank you very, very much again, Sakura, Naruto, and Sasuke!" Ringumo said with an almost drunken smile on her face. "This is the best day _ever_..."

"Er... Um... Jorougumo-sama," Sakura managed. "Um... It's... Ah..."

"Yes, Sakura Haruno?" Jorougumo asked. The pink haired girl steeled her nerves, and managed to look the Spider Queen in the eyes.

"Er... Um... Well... It's just that... Ah... We're used to... Single-sex baths..." She explained.

"Mou? Really?" Jorougumo asked. "You segregate the sexes?"

"Ah, y-yes," Sakura explained.

"Why?" Jorougumo asked.

"Er..."

"It's, um... To avoid embarassment," Naruto supplied. "Like, you know... Perverts and... Stuff."

"Perverts? How do you mean?" Jorougumo asked.

"Ah... Um..."

"It's generally regarded as impolite to have sex in full view of others," I explained with a straight face. Sakura's face flashed bright red.

"S-Sensei!" She squeaked. I shrugged.

"Well, that's the thinking... Plus a lot of other social taboos, it's kind of complicated."

"Mou... Well... We don't have those here," Jorougumo said with a sultry smile. I nodded.

"Well... All the same, if it'll make my students more comfortable..." I put my fingers together in the Tiger seal, and focused my chakra. _"Henge._"

_POOF!_ A moment later, I was now in Sexy Jutsu form.

"I'll just be in female form," I said in a significantly more feminine voice. Jorougumo blinked, and looked me over. She then reached out and poked my... Chest.

"A full transformation?" She asked, looking delighted. I nodded.

"Yes... Not that dissimilar from what you do, Jorougumo-sama," I explained. I pointed to Naruto. "He invented it... And taught me."

"Really? You can do this?" Jorougumo asked with a smile. Naruto blushed, but pride won the day and he began to speak at length about the invention of his Sexy Jutsu, and the considerable utility it had. I smiled-Even ninja can only stay in the hot springs so long, and as long as Jorougumo and Naruto talked about shapeshifting for the whole time... Which they probably would... I was home free.

"Wow... Bigger than mine," Ringumo said, poking my boobs from the other side. "Do humans like boobs being large?"

"Ask Sasuke about it," I said. Ringumo smiled happily and nodded. She then swam next to Sasuke and sat in his lap, turning his face bright red.

"Ah... Er..."

"Sasuke-kun, do you like large boobs?" Ringumo asked. Sakura seethed, and instinctively pushed Ringumo off Sasuke's lap.

"Ringumo, don't do that! It's not proper!"

"Oh? Why?" The spider-turned-girl asked.

Sakura also blushed bright red, as I marvelled at my genius. Dance my puppets, dance, mwahahahaha!

"Urk!" Jorougumo glomped onto me and smiled warmly into my face.

"So... Naruto-kun tells me that human males enjoy two females together," she purred. "Tell me Ando-kun... Would you be willing to... Indulge me in a little experimentation?"

I blushed bright red, and saw Naruto's bastard fox smile out of the corner of my eyes. Oh, I was going to get him for this...

Sakura, fortunately, came to my rescue.

"Ah... Well, Jorougumo-sama, r-remember the whole, um, impolite thing?" Sakura asked.

"Well... You could go," Jorougumo suggested, looking a little annoyed.

"Eh? Sasuke, what's this thing?" Ringumo asked.

"Wha-ACK! G-Get off!"

"Why?"

"RINGUMO!" Sakura grabbed Ringumo's shoulders, and yanked her away from Sasuke angrily. "Damnit Ringumo, don't _do_ that!"

"... Ohhh..." Ringumo nodded. "I was being 'impolite', wasn't I?"

"You were...?!" Sakura's jaw damn near dropped to the surface of the water. Sasuke's entire body seemed to be burning bright red.

Naruto was laughing his ass off. Jorougumo frowned, and looked back into my eyes. I shrugged.

"There are a lot of... Social nuances to learn, Jorougumo-sama... Maybe when we're all better informed, we can... Try that out?" I smiled. "Besides, I do have a mission to accomplish, don't I?"

"Oh... Very well," Jorougumo sighed.

"Well... I do have my duty. You wouldn't want me to slack off on it, would you?" I asked.

"Of course not!" The Spider Queen smiled warmly. "But I'd like you more if you chose to delay~..."

"Sorry Jorougumo-sama. You know the old saying: 'Duty is heavier than a mountain, death lighter than a feather'," I quoted. Jorougumo blinked.

"I do?"

"... Well, you do now," I offered.

I looked over at the still laughing Naruto, and then back at Ringumo.

"Hey, Gumo-chan. It's not impolite to try something with Naruto, you know."

"It isn't?" Ringumo asked. Sakura, immediately getting my intention, grinned evilly.

"Not in the least... He's an exception to the rules."

"Okay!" Ringumo cheered, as she leaped out of the water and landed on top of the laughing blonde.

"AUGH! RINGUMO!"

"Oooh! _Much_ harder than Sasuke! But I kind of like it! Hey, is this the same thing Sasuke has?"

"I-GAH! DON'T TOUCH THAT! DAMNIT SENSEI!"

I smirked and leaned back against the rock, as Jorougumo slid off my lap and sat next to me, looking confused.

"Have I mentioned I find your people very strange, Ando-kun?" She asked.

"Not lately," I said, as Naruto thrashed frantically underneath a laughing Ringumo.

* * *

**Naruto**

Sensei is a bastard. A total and complete bastard!

I mean, he's sicced Ringumo on me a couple times, but never when she was... Human! And... Naked! And... I... Wow.

I had no idea Hinata looked like that... Ya know, naked...

ARGH! That doesn't take away his-his-how big a bastard he is!

And he used my Sexy Jutsu to do it, too. Oh, I'm going to get him back for this, he is _so_ screwed...

On the other hand, he did get the Bastard... Can't believe Sakura wasn't jealous of Ringumo pouncing on me. Hmph. I mean, I took Sensei's advice to ease up on the asking for dates, play it like Sasuke, but she's just been paying more attention to Sasuke! Sure, negative attention but still...

Anyway, after we finished in the baths, we got dressed and headed back to Jorougumo's throne room. She gave us a big, toothy smile.

"I look forward to your return, Ando-kun," she told our sensei. He nodded and bowed respectfully.

"I look forward to returning soon, Jorougumo-sama," he said in a polite voice. Jorougumo's smile grew, and she looked like she was about to hug him again.

"Ah, Jorougumo-sama?" He tried. Jorougumo stopped, and then pouted.

"Oh... I was just going to give you something to help you on your journey," she whined.

"What?"

She rose, and made a few handseals.

"You see, the Mizugumo may require a few things of you... Things you cannot do as a human," she said. Quicker than any of us could see, she slammed her palm into Sensei's chest. His eyes bugged out... And then turned black.

"Eh?!"

It was kind of like watching Ringumo's transformation into a human in reverse. He sprouted extra legs and arms, his ass grew and lengthened, his mouth and face changed too.

"Oh God," Sakura muttered. Sasuke also looked pale... Well, paler than usual. Me, I reacted the only way I could.

"Cool!"

Standing there, looking a bit confused, was our Sensei as a Jorou Spider. A male, judging by his size and coloring. Though there were differences, of course. His eyes... All eight of them... Had round markings that made it look like he was still wearing glasses. His exoskeleton was the same shade of brown as his hair. And he looked just as nervous as he had before.

"Aw goddamnit..." He muttered as he held up a leg and examined it. "I am so screwed."

"Look on the bright side," Jorougumo purred. "You make a most handsome spider."

"That's what I'm afraid of," he sighed. "ACK!"

Ringumo had jumped on top of him, still in human form. She wore a big smile.

"Ando-kun, you look great!"

"Great, thanks," he muttered. He looked over at Jorougumo. "So... How do I change back?"

"It will wear off in a few days," Jorougumo said. She smiled. "Think of it as a test of your new Sage status. It is easy to fight in a form you are familiar with, but not as easy as when you are in one alien to you."

"Yes, Jorougumo-sama," our sensei replied. He looked at all of us. "Do they also need to be in Spider form?"

"Yes, but don't worry, I've picked out forms that should be quite suitable for them," she said.

"Eh?! H-Hey, wait a minute!" I protested. "You want us to go around as-as spiders?"

Sasuke shuddered, and began muttering that mantra of his again.

"Of course! It is best to greet the Mizugumo in such forms. They regard it as very respectful," Jorougumo said. "Now... Hold still..."

"But I-!"

She moved, so fast I couldn't even see her. I felt her press her palm into my chest, and I looked down. I could see sealwork decorating her hand as she pulled it away.

That's when I also began to change. Actually, it wasn't too different from my Sexy Jutsu.

... Actually it was very different. Horribly different. Extra legs and eyes and everything...!

"AAAAAHHHHHH!" I screamed, as I transformed quickly. My skeleton seemed to vanish and then reappear on my skin, my head twisted and stretched, my eyes got bigger, and I fell over onto all... Eights.

"EEYAAAAHHH!" Sakura screamed, and Sasuke let out a whimper. On any other occassion, I'd be enjoying him acting like a little bitch, but it was hard to enjoy someone else's horror when you're going through the same thing.

Maybe a minute later, it was over. I held up my arms, and stared intently.

"... Ah... Well..." I looked over at Jorougumo. "What'd you turn me into?"

"I'm glad you asked!" The Spider Queen said happily. Male Jorou Spiders suddenly appeared, holding up mirrors. My mouthparts... Well, I _think_ they formed an expression of horror, but I'm not entirely sure.

I was a spider, all right. A giant spider. I think I was of the same kind as Ookamigumo-A Portia Spider, Sensei called it. They were furry, fast, had good eyesight and were very smart, very sadistic bastards.

So, as far as spiders go, I guess it wasn't too bad... Of course, it was me being turned _into_ a spider, which was still pretty messed up.

"AUGH!" I cried. I scuttled closer, and looked more intently. I held up my forward arms, and got a hold of one tuft of blonde hair. I tugged on it.

"Ow!" Okay... Wasn't dreaming then. Or hallucinating. Or in a genjutsu.

... Well... At least I was still blonde. That was kind of cool.

I turned around, and looked over at my teammates. Sakura was a big, pink, smooth-looking spider that resembled a crab. Her mouthparts were also open in an expression of horror. Sasuke...

I burst out laughing. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What's so funny?!" Sasuke demanded angrily.

"You-You-HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA!" I continued to laugh, hard. He was a black widow spider... A _female_ black widow. How could ANYONE not laugh?

Sasuke looked at his mirror... And he got really, really angry.

"I... A black widow?!" He demanded.

"Their venom is quite potent," Jorougumo said with a smile. "Admittedly, that is not all there is to being a spider..."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I continued.

"Shut up, Naruto!" Sakura snarled. Sensei just looked amused. Well, amused for a spider.

"All right, all right... I have had my fun," Jorougumo said. She pressed her hand into Sasuke's face, and he shifted again. This time, I could tell he was a jumping spider like me, with black fur and red eyes. I huffed, but it was probably better for him this way. And us. We wouldn't have to hear him whine about it.

"Better?" Jorougumo asked.

"No," Sasuke replied flatly.

"Come on Bastard... Think of it as an adventure!" I cried.

"This is not an adventure, this is _hell_," Sasuke emphasized. I blew the spider equivalent of a raspberry at him... I think I did anyway, it's kind of hard to tell.

"Well... Let's be off then, we're burning daylight," Sensei said. He gave the spider equivalent of a bow to Jorougumo, and turned to scuttle off. He almost made it off the web.

"Come back safely, my wonderful Ando-kun," she purred as she glomped him and dry humped him from behind. I swear, Sensei blushed hard.

"Er, I will, promise," he said. He scuttled off quickly, and the rest of us followed. Well, except for Sakura.

"Sakura-chan?" I tried.

Sakura shuddered, but scuttled after us. Ringumo skipped along, still in human form, with a big smile on her face.

"Oh, this is going to be so much fun!" She enthused.

"And why does _she_ get to stay in human form?" Sasuke demanded.

"Because I'm special, that's why!" Ringumo said, sticking her tongue out.

Sasuke grumbled. Sakura looked resigned.

"Yes you are, Ringumo. Yes you are," Sensei said, as we crossed the bridge into the palace proper.

"So... Um... Does this shape shifting work the same way as with humans?" Sakura finally asked.

"Essentially, yes," Sensei said. "I smelled spider blood in the seal she used. She probably got samples from a few different species to use. She switched them out for each of us."

"I didn't see her do that," Sakura said.

"She did it faster than you could see, probably," Sensei said.

"So, you saw it?" I asked.

"I saw a blur... She isn't the Queen for nothing, you know," Sensei replied.

That was cool, but what I really wanted to do was find out what this spider body of mine could do. So, I tensed my muscles, and jumped.

"WOO!" I cried, as I was now _way_ ahead of the others. "AWESOME!"

I turned around and gave them a spider grin... I think. "This is so cool! Look how far I jumped!"

"Hmph," Sasuke said.

"Ha! You're just jealous because my spider form's _way_ better than yours!" I called back. Sasuke jumped too, and landed right in front of me.

"Yeah?" He asked. I growled back.

"Yeah! First one outside, wins!"

"All right... GO!" He shouted, jumping down the tunnel ahead of me. That cheating bastard!

"YOU CHEATER!" I shouted, and jumped after him. Oh, he wasn't getting away that easy! It didn't matter what form we were in, I was still going to beat that stupid Bastard!

* * *

**Andoryuu**

Okay... Spider-form. Yeah. It's weird. To be honest, I can't really go much more indepth than that for the simple reason you'd kind of have to be there in order to truly appreciate it. Eight legs, eight eyes, your skeleton on the outside, your muscles based on hydraulics rather than leverage... Suffice it to say, it's very, very strange. Even for me.

My students seemed to be adjusting a little easier, though I suspected Naruto's excitement was only because it was temporary. However, him awakening Sasuke's natural competitive spirit seemed to be helping my most broody student to work with it.

Sakura stuck close to me, looking terrified and disgusted. At least Jorougumo's jutsu had allowed for some translation between the two forms-I could read her facial expressions just as well when she was a spider.

"Hey, relax, it's only temporary," I told her as we scuttled down the corridor. Sasuke and Naruto were far up ahead. Jorou Spiders and Crab spiders weren't really built for high speed jumps. Actually, the normal ones couldn't jump at all, but gaining sentience and having access to chakra changed that for most summon spiders.

"I know, but it's still..." She shuddered. Ringumo, walking nearby, looked back at Sakura and smiled.

"Aw... Don't worry, Sakura! You look great, you know!" She sighed. "I'm actually kind of jealous, you have such a nice opisthosoma!"

"A-A what?" Sakura asked.

"She's complimenting you on your ass, Sakura," I explained. Sakura's pedipalps worked in a frenzy, signalling her embarassment.

"SENSEI!"

"What? It's something spiders look for," I said. Ringumo nodded.

"Mmhm!" She patted her own backside. "Thanks to you and Hinata I have a really nice one! Well, for a human anyway..."

"Um... Well... Thanks?" Sakura managed.

We made it out of the palace and outside, on top of the massive tree. The clouds had blocked out the sun, but there didn't seem to be any sign of a storm. Sasuke and Naruto were arguing about who had won their race.

"I totally won!"

"In your dreams, Deadlast! Even as a horrific affront to God I'm _still_ better than you!"

"Fuck you Bastard, I am _so_ much better! After all, I'm the same species as Ookami, and have you _ever_ beaten him?"

"Oh yeah, like you're one to talk! When was the last time you beat him without spamming explosives like a loser?"

"Fuck you, Firebreath!"

"Okay, okay, enough!" I shouted. "Look, we really should get going, and arguing isn't going to get our mission done any sooner."

"So, this does count as a mission?" Naruto asked, switching gears instantly. I did the spider equivalent of a nod.

"Yes, it does... Or rather it will. I think a high level diplomatic mission to a valued ally of Konoha will look favorable on all your records, myself," I said. Sasuke considered it. Sakura looked interested.

"Besides, Jorougumo likes you all. Now, that's quite the honor," I went on. "There are very few humans she does like. And I like her too... Mostly," I muttered. "In any event, this is a great opportunity for all of you, and we need to keep focused. So, don't screw up, all right?"

"You can count on me, Sensei!" Naruto crowed. "Just as long as I get to learn some really cool stuff!"

"Well, when you put it that way... I guess... All right," Sakura said.

"... If I didn't want to go, what would happen?" Sasuke asked.

"You'd stay here as a guest of Jorougumo's until we returned," I replied. Sasuke shuddered.

"... Fine," he said, with a glance at Naruto. After all, if his self-proclaimed rival was going, no way was Sasuke going to miss out. "But this had better be worth it."

"Come on, come on! It's ready!" Ringumo cried from above us. We looked up and saw her climbing up the palace, heading for the very top of the tree.

"Huh? What's ready?" Naruto asked. I scuttled to the wall and began to climb myself.

"It's pretty simple. On foot, it's a week's journey to the Mizugumo's territory," I explained. "But, there's a much faster way to get there."

"What?" Sasuke asked, as he, Naruto and Sakura all followed me up the side of the golden palace.

"Focus your eyes on the tip of the treetop," I advised. "Look very carefully..."

The sun shined through the clouds, and a golden line of silk became visible. It stretched from the top of the tree, far off into the distance.

"Woah..." Naruto muttered.

The top of the palace was a circular chamber, also made out of silk, that was guarded by several Jorou males. Two of them were in what I immediately identified as Indian Sun Spider morphs-Very big, very fast, very nasty forms that were good for combat. They all saluted the moment I came in.

"Andoryuu-sama!"

"Andoryuu-sama!"

I nodded to them, returning the spider version of a salute-Kind of a bow with your fangs extended.

"Gentlemen, good to see you," I said. To be entirely honest, I felt a lot more at ease around Jorou males. Granted, they were no less dangerous than the females but spidery instincts identified them merely as "potential rivals" and not "those who will eat me after sex".

"The line is ready!" One of them reported. "The guys at the Mizugumo station took a lot less time than we thought."

"Thank you," I returned gratefully. I then narrowed all eight of my eyes... Yeah, we'd gotten eye lids too. "Reigumo?"

The male gave me the spider equivalent of a smile. "In the flesh, Andoryuu-sama."

"Hey, how have you been?" I asked happily.

"Good. I'm in charge of the Webline section now," he said proudly. "But I wanted to see you off myself, you see."

"Well of course! I'm sure you'll do well," I said. Reigumo's smile grew.

"Only because of what you taught me."

"Aw, come on, it just comes naturally to you guys," I said modestly. "So, shall we?"

"Of course... And these are your students!" He smiled in turn at them, his eyes resting on Sakura. "Oh... I had heard you had a female, but I was not aware she was so beautiful."

Sakura gaped. Naruto scowled. Sasuke actually smirked.

"Well, um... Thanks... Really... Um, this isn't my usual form," she stuttered.

"No, but it suits you," Reigumo said.

"HEY! COME ON ALREADY!" Ringumo shouted from the top of the sphere. "STOP TAKING UP EVERYONE'S TIME, REIGUMO!"

"Annoying brat," Reigumo muttered.

"I HEARD THAT, BIG BROTHER!"

"Anyway," Reigumo said, "you all know how to travel by webline, right?"

"First time for my students," I explained. Reigumo nodded.

"All right... Come with me," he said. He scuttled up the sphere, and we followed him. We squeezed through a hole at the top, and emerged in the open air.

The top branch of the tree had been bent and secured into something like the support for a ski lift, and wrapped tightly around it was the line extending far into the distance. Ringumo, now in spider form, was producing silk and wrapping it securely around herself. Reigumo scuttled in front of us, and pulled out a line of his own silk.

"Okay... Just produce some silk, and wrap it around the back and front of your legs. Do _not_ wrap it around your middle, that might get you cut in half," he said, as he demonstrated. "That done, produce some more silk and twist it, like this, and then tie it onto the right side of your harness."

Ringumo, having finished these steps, scuttled over underneath the webline and threw the silk over the line, and tied it to the left side of her harness.

"Then, you get directly under the line, throw it over like so, and tie it to the left side," Reigumo finished. "Only jump off when _we_ say so, not before, got it?"

"So... Does everybody travel like this around here?" Sakura asked.

"Most spiders do," Reigumo said. "However, not many spiders use the Palace station. They usually zip to one of the stations in one of the trees around the Palace."

"Ah," Sakura said.

"Around here, it's the only way to travel," Reigumo said cheerfully. "Andoryuu-sama came up with it."

"Oh no, I just saw what you guys were already doing and I suggested expanding the network," I said. "Come on Reigumo, quit the sucking up."

"Sorry Andoryuu-sama," Reigumo said with a grin. "But Mom told us all to treat you very, _very_ well..."

"Yeah yeah," I sighed. "Well! You heard the guy, my students. Get ready."

"So... How do we make silk?" Naruto asked.

"Hm?" Reigumo asked. "Oh, right, you're humans. Okay... Um..."

"Focus your chakra around your butt, and imagine it squeezing," I suggested. I demonstrated, unbothered by the peculiar feeling. Wasn't any weirder than hydraulic muscles.

"Okay... So... Like thi-AAAAHHHH!" Naruto shot forward, slamming into me as his spinnerets fired with massive force.

"OOF!"

"Ergh... Not exactly," I muttered.

It took a few tries, but everybody figured out how to work their spinnerets without turning them into lethal weapons. It took thirty minutes for them all to learn how to make the right kind of silk though. Finally, we were ready, and standing in a line, harnessed to the very long webline stretching across the forest. We were expected to jump off the edge of the platform. It was rather like parachuting, I reflected.

"Now, we're going to accelerate you by signalling to the other end to give it slack," Reigumo said. "But be careful not to directly touch the line."

"Why not?" Naruto asked.

"The friction is pretty intense at those speeds. You could lose an arm if you're not careful," Reigumo said. Naruto gulped, and nodded.

"Right..."

"Now, when you jump, curl into a ball. It'll minimize the air resistance and keep you from losing anything," Reigumo continued. "Keep your eyes forward-When you see some big red signs, you'll be decellerating so be prepared. Only uncurl when the guys at the other end tell you to, all right?"

"Okay!" Ringumo said.

"Roger," I said.

"All right," Sakura said.

"Got it," Naruto said.

"Hn," replied Sasuke, but he nodded in acknowledgment.

The line slackened, just a little, and then a _lot_, seemingly dipping beneath the trees.

"Okay... Jump when I say so," Reigumo said. "Three... Two... One... GO!"

Ringumo jumped first. "BLAST OFF!" She cried.

"GO!"

Sakura gulped, but scuttled to the edge. She looked down and shuddered.

"I-I-!"

"Dammit Sakura... Naruto! Give her a push!" I commanded.

"Right!" Naruto called. He jumped forward and headbutted Sakura in her abdomen.

"NARUTOOOOOOOOO!" Sakura bellowed, in a mix of fear and rage.

"GO!"

"YEE HAAAAAAA!" Naruto called, jumping ahead. "WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

"... You're all insane," Sasuke muttered.

"GO!"

Sasuke steeled himself, and jumped off the edge too. Reigumo nodded.

"Good luck, Andoryuu-sama!"

"Thanks, Rei," I said.

"GO!"

And I too jumped, falling fast for the forest floor below. The slight angle adjustment did little to negate the acceleration, and I curled into a ball as I had been told. The forest blurred around me, and I never felt as close to flying as I had right then and there. Even treehopping had little on the sheer speed I felt.

It really was like a roller coaster, and even if my body was different, it still felt like my stomach was falling down ahead of me.

The whole trip took about thirty minutes. Now, to a human, going that fast for that long would be hell, but as a spider I took it without any real problems thanks to my exoskeleton.

The line began to tighten again, and I felt myself slowing down. The red signs were large painted leaves in some of the nearby trees. Already, I could feel the difference in the air. It was more humid, and cooler near the swamps.

The station was in the hollow of another great tree, and was illuminated with lamps. My speed had dropped from around a hundred miles an hour to about five, and then zero as the line I was travelling on became thicker, producing more friction.

"All right, release!" Cried the Jorou spider manning (Spidering?) the station, and by stretching my legs, I was able to break the knots of the harness. I landed easily on the padded floor of the tree hollow, and looked over at my students.

Naruto was energetic, waving all of his front legs and calling out "That was awesome!" "Let's do it again!" and "Dattebayo!"

Sasuke looked stoic, but slightly embarassed. Sakura was a shaking, nervous wreck.

"N-Never again," Sakura muttered.

And Ringumo, of course, was joining Naruto in chanting "Let's do it again!"

I turned and nodded to the station attendant. "Thanks for that," I said.

"Good luck on your mission, Andoryuu-sama," the old spider said, almost gruffly. "You know the way?"

I nodded. He nodded back.

"Take care then," he said.

"All right kids... Come on, time's a wasting," I said. I turned and scuttled out of the tree hollow, going down the trunk. My students and Ringumo followed.

"That... Was the worst thing I have _ever_ done," Sakura shakily said.

"Are you kidding? That was GREAT! Can we do it to get back home, Sensei? Huh? Huh? Can we?" Naruto asked.

"Sure Naruto," I said, as we reached the ground. I looked around, and immiedately recognized the barrier between Jorou Territory and Mizugumo-A river, with a long web and wood bridge across it. Mist rose over the river, obscuring the other end of the crossing.

"Woah... So, that's where we have to go?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Mizgumo territory," Sasuke murmured. "Doesn't look inviting."

"It never is," I replied quietly. Nevertheless, I headed forward.

The bridge was wide enough for all of us to walk on it comfortably, and didn't sway in the slightest. The wooden posts that suspended it above the water were decorated in simple pieces of hornet paper, which fluttered in slightest breeze. Add on the lanterns that were sparsely placed and the whole bridge seemed ghostly and ominous.

Which was kind of the point, actually. You see, the river below was moving too fast for spiders to run on, and I hadn't started my students on water walking just yet. And setting up a webline across this distance would be difficult. So the only real way to cross into Mizugumo territory was via this bridge.

Well, that's how they had thought before. They probably thought differently now.

The guards on the other side of the bridge were the first Mizugumo any of my students had gotten a good look at, and Sakura's gasp summed it up. They were big. Dwarfed my current form by at least three times. They wore specially-crafted armor, steel plated shaped to conform to their bodies, protecting their abdomens and their heads (actually called the cephalothorax). Their pedipalps were encased in sharp, metal daggers-Very deadly close range weapons.

"Halt! Who goes there?" One guard called in Japanese.

"Tsume Andoryuu, Spider Sage," I called back. "And party!"

The spiders froze, and I could see the fear in their eyes at my name. I have to admit, I felt a little satisfaction at this. My Other felt a fair amount of guilt.

You are a spider!

Yes, I am… But believe me, I would not make that claim lightly, I returned, in the same language issued.

Further silence.

"What business do you have?" The second guard called.

"I am here to meet with your ruler, as part of the maintaining of friendly relations between all clans of the Spider Realm!" I called back.

The two guards conferred with each other, before one of them ran off quickly. The remaining guard called out to us.

"Follow me!"

I nodded, and took the lead. My students scuttled after me.

"They know you well, huh?" Naruto asked.

"Yes… Very well," I said quietly.

The guard paused every few moments to look back at us. Spiders can't really turn their heads to look over their shoulders, so instead he held up his knives to peer into the reflection they offered, like side-view mirrors on a car. Each time, I kept my expression neutral.

The sounds of activity soon hit us, and the lights of a town peered through the mists. We caught sight of other Mizugumo, standing in front of wooden buildings.

"A town…?" Sakura asked. She looked around, probably weirded out at how… Well… Human the architecture looked. It resembled a fairly standard, old school style Japanese town. Paper walls, sloping roofs, sliding doors, the works. The only difference was, of course, that the inhabitants were all giant spiders.

The female Mizugumo were dressed in silken cloaks, of all colors and designs. The males too bore cloaks, most of them black. On the tops of their heads, the males wore tattoos, denoting their status in society. Since they molted to grow, these tattoos changed every time they grew. The Mizugumo valued merit above everything else, and how well you did in a chosen profession determined what kind of tattoos you bore.

The guard led us to a honey shop, and had us sit at a table. We got a lot of looks. The older males and females all stared intently at Ringumo and myself, and I couldn't blame them really. Still, they knew enough to give us our privacy.

"Please, wait here," the guard said, and he headed off into the street and vanished from view.

"Wow… That's nice of them," Naruto commented.

"It's just so it's easier to keep watch over us," I explained.

"That's something I wanted to ask you about, Sensei," Sakura said. "Those guards… They acted really strange when you mentioned your name."

"Like they were afraid," Sasuke said.

"Eh? Well… I guess they were kind of anxious," Naruto said.

"It's because Ando-kun was their greatest enemy during the war," Ringumo piped up.

"Enemy?" My students asked. I sighed, and shot Ringumo a look. She looked a bit sheepish.

"Sorry Ando-kun… I thought they knew… I mean, _everybody_ here knows who Ando-kun is," she said.

"So it's not just the Jorou Spiders?" Naruto asked. "You're famous everywhere?"

"Not everywhere," I said quietly. "Here, well…" I gave the spider equivalent of a shrug. "Here, I'm infamous."

"As what? A great hero?" Naruto asked.

"No… A war criminal," I said flatly.

My students stared in disbelief. I sighed.

"Look… Long story short. When my sensei dropped me in here years back, the Mizugumo were at war."

"With the Jorou Clan?" Sakura asked.

"With everyone," Ringumo said. "They wanted to take over the world."

"Before, they were the superpower, essentially," I explained. "But my sensei directed them to spread their empire all over this world. They were the strongest fighters, the best warriors-Most of the previous Spider Summoners joined their clan when they signed the contract because of this."

"Ando-kun, however, got adopted into our clan when he saved me and my little brothers and sisters from being eaten by some Mizugumo troops," Ringumo explained. "And he led us in combat."

"So, you guys won the war?" Naruto asked. "Sensei's a great general?"

"Mmhm! He taught us how to use our shapeshifting as our greatest weapon!" Ringumo said cheerfully. "It's what let us make the Mizugumo surrender, and sue for peace. It's also what let us become the dominant clan."

"How does that work though?" Naruto asked. "I mean, my Sexy Jutsu's really great, but how does turning into different things let you win a war?"

I looked around under the table, and reached out my legs. Using the claws on the tip of my legs, I carefully picked up a tiny creature crawling in the shadows.

"Know what this is?" I asked.

"It's a mite," Sakura identified. "It's a really tiny arachnid..."

"So, it's like a little tiny spider cousin?" Naruto asked. I nodded.

"Yes... This world is crawling with them. They're everywhere, you can't get away from them. And there are hundreds, if not thousands, of little creatures like them all over every square meter of this world, and ours."

I paused for a second, the sounds of the quiet crowd outside reaching us in the inn. Mizugumo walked by-Mothers with their children, young males boasting of the size of their catches, old males sipping honey on porches, and of course, the warriors keeping watch.

"And at any moment," I resumed, "any of these creatures-Dozens of them-might turn into Jorou warriors. Warrior who then turn into giant sunspiders, scorpions, hornets, frogs, or tarantulas, who then kill you. Slaughter you right in your own home."

I put the mite down on the table. It scuttled about, mindless of our conversation. My students stared long and hard at it. Sasuke was the first to look up.

"No wonder they hate you so much," he said.


	8. Chapter 8

_That Most Heinous of Crimes_

By Andrew J. Talon

_Disclaimer:_ I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

- - - - - -

It was another hour before the guards returned, this time in greater numbers. I could see regular troops among them, as well as their captain. I betrayed nothing as we watched them approach, but did give some last minute advice.

"Okay, remember: Be polite. Be nice."

Sasuke nodded. Naruto clicked his jaws in annoyance.

"We can't really fight like this, ya know, if we have to," Naruto grumbled. Ringumo huffed.

"Can't fight? What are you implying, huh?"

"Quiet Ringumo, we'll take care of that later," I hissed. I scuttled around in front of my students, making sure I was in front of them. It wasn't a matter of intimidation-Even the smallest Mizugumo was at least twice the size of my Jorou spider form.

Tsume Andoryuu, the captain spoke. The Spider Sage himself! Aren't you confident, coming to us in such a form?

I immediately assessed him as a newly promoted captain-The experienced ones never came off as such douchebags from the start. They saved that for after they thought they'd kicked your ass.

I come as a Sage, not as a soldier, I said calmly. I believe your orders are to bring me and my party to Mizutoushou?

The captain hissed, and ground his fangs together menacingly. I showed no reaction.

Do not presume to tell me what my orders are, Fish Killer! Frog Hunter!

Ringumo hissed angrily behind me. Don't you dare call him that, Soft-Shell!

The other Mizugumo troops hissed angrily back. I sighed, and focused my killing intent on the whole lot of them. I may not have had access to my jutsus, but I could still wield my chakra effectively. That gave them pause.

The war is over, captain, I said calmly. And your leader recognizes me as the Sage, just as the other clans do. So, are you going to do your job or not?

The captain hissed again, but his stance became less aggressive.

Follow, he said. He backed away, and the other spiders fanned out in a circle. I looked back over at my students.

"Come on," I said in Japanese. Naruto looked suspicious, as did Sasuke. Sakura looked nervous, and Ringumo was livid.

"Come on!" I repeated. They shuffled out of the house, right into the center of the Mizugumo. Their defiance was good, as long as they didn't say anything.

You know the way, don't you Web Cutter? Hissed the captain.

Yes, but by all means, lead on, I said.

The captain hissed again, and turned to scuttle off. Our escort followed, and we headed off.

"They _really_ don't like you," Naruto whispered to me.

"What were they saying?" Sakura asked. "We're spiders but we don't understand the language..."

"Well of course you don't," Ringumo said. "Just turning into a spider isn't enough. And those jerks were-!"

"They're just angry, let it go," I said.

Ringumo huffed. Naruto pestered her a little more as we ventured deeper into Mizugumo territory. We came out of the town and went along the road, the lamps of another bridge coming into view after about half an hour. Our escort said nothing, every one of them with a spear ready to let fly at the slightest wrong move.

It was a little funny, I suppose. Their cultural mindset made it clear that dangerous enemies were personally powerful. As in, giant spiders capable of burning down their villages. That they considered me so dangerous when most of the damage I'd done to them was through the direction of guerilla warfare, well... What did they think I was going to do? Produce an army from my ass?

Well, given the Jorou Spiders' shapeshifting, that was actually quite possible. And I'd done stranger things during the war.

- - - - - - -

The rest of the trip was boring. There wasn't much to talk about, and with all the Mizgumo constantly watching us, our enthusiasm for conversation died pretty quickly. Naruto took to making faces at the guards, but he wasn't very good at it. And while the captain of these troops was kind of an asshole, the regular spiders were very disciplined. They didn't react at all.

It was nightfall before we made it to a gigantic lake. A small group of female Mizugumo washed clothes in the distance, and the younger ones waved to the soldiers. The captain turned to us.

"It will be here soon. Do not move," he ordered. He turned and scuttled onto the water, soon vanishing into the mists.

"What'll be here?" Naruto asked.

"The diving bell," I replied. "Mizugumo have surface villages, but most of their communities are underwater."

"Woah, neat," Naruto said.

"Yeah, but they have to live in cold water, ugh," Ringumo said. "It's very unpleasant..."

The surface of the water parted, as a large shape began to rise. It was circular, and from the dim light still remaining filtering through the trees and fog, it was easy to tell it was built from massive amounts of silk.

Revealing it's form to be that of a giant sphere, Ringumo's eyes went big and shiny.

"Oooh... Ball..."

I got the feeling my students would be rolling their eyes if they could. The diving bell's top opened, and the captain from before emerged.

"Come on, everyone in!" He shouted. I walked onto the water, using my chakra to keep myself afloat. I produced some silk and jumped up onto the side of the diving bell, and crawled up while laying the trail.

"You heard him, let's go," I called. Naruto came first, gripping onto the silk and pulling himself up onto the bell easily. Sasuke followed, heading up halfway before he jumped onto the bell. Naruto muttered "show off", and I fought a smile.

Sakura and Ringumo were last, both climbing up and reaching the top without any trouble. We crawled down into the interior of the diving bell, and settled in as the hatch on top closed. The vehicle shook, and we all felt ourselves begin to descend.

"Wow... Hey, how does it keep the water from coming through that hole in the floor?" Naruto asked, pointing to the center of the diving bell.

"Internal pressure, I think," Sakura said. "The air pressure is enough to keep the water out."

"Wow," Naruto said. "These guys are pretty smart then, huh?"

"Yes, they are," I said. The captain just continued to glare. Finally, the diving bell changed directions, moving sideways. It stopped again, before slowly, it began to rise.

"Ack... What the hell...?" Naruto asked.

"The diving bell must be on some kind of track," Sakura explained. "It goes down, then sideways, then it's pulled up into the city!"

Naruto looked at me for confirmation, and I nodded. Sasuke huffed. The water dropped down from the center of the diving bell, and there was a significant breeze flowing through the vehicle now, as well as a lot of light from below.

"Come on," the captain said, as he jumped down through the hole. I followed, landing easily on the floor. My students and Ringumo all followed, landing easily on their eight feet. I turned back just in time to see the expressions on their faces. It was well worth it.

"Wow..." Naruto murmured.

"No way," Sakura said.

"Oooh...!" Ringumo squealed. Even Sasuke looked impressed.

The city was composed of gigantic, mostly translucent spheres, all lit up internally. Bound together with silk and wood and rock, they formed a great double helix, which circled a central sphere like the rings around Saturn. You could see Mizugumo everywhere, of all shapes and sizes, going about their business in the vast metropolis.

"Welcome to Mizu-Kyo, kids," I said with a smile.

"You've been here before?" Naruto asked.

"Once or twice," I said guardedly, as the captain seethed. More guards greeted us, all of them carrying twin spears.

Mizutoushou-sama will see you now, Suzumebachi Andoryuu, the leader of these guards called.

Of course, I said.

The captain gave us a final hiss, before he scuttled off.

"Oooh! The nerve of them calling you that! Suzumebachi indeed!" Ringumo hissed. "Web Cutter! Fish Killer! Oooh!"

"Suzumebachi is the official title they gave me, might as well let them use it," I told her.

"It's an insult!" Ringumo growled.

"It's a little more complicated than that, Ringumo," I said tiredly.

"Geez... Suzumebachi? Web Cutter? How many names did these guys give you?" Naruto asked.

I had to agree-I was starting to know how Aragorn felt.

"Naruto!" Sakura admonished. Naruto gave the spider version of a shrug.

"What? I'm just asking... And why Suzumebachi, anyway?"

"What is the natural enemy of spiders, Naruto?" Sasuke, to my surprise, asked.

"Um... Wasps, why do you... Oh," Naruto mumbled.

What is the delay, Suzumebachi Andoryuu?

Seeing the tension of the guards, I moved forward.

My apologies, my students are unfamiliar with your city and are a little shocked, I told them. Let's not keep Mizutoushou-sama waiting.

The guards, as with the spiders above, formed a circle around us. The leader took point, and when he moved, we moved. Through a long tube towards the central sphere.

The lair of Mizutoushou, Lord of the Water Spiders.

- - - - - - - -

**Naruto**

This whole place was freaky, but also kind of cool too. I mean, a giant underwater city built out of silk? It's like knitting a floating city in the air out of yarn!

Well, kind of. Anyway, we were led to the giant central sphere (which made Ringumo giddy, I could just tell), in which everything abruptly changed. By that I mean that it was suddenly very, very bright, and wooden. Kind of like a giant dojo, actually, except spherical. It was also much better lit, though my eyes didn't really notice. I think Sakura might have said something about jumping spiders having really good eyes, but I'm not sure.

In the center of the giant wooden sphere was a fountain that seemed to be made out of stone, and it happily burbled away. Sensei stopped a good distance away from it, just as the guards did. We (Sakura, Ringumo, and Sasuke) stopped too. I didn't really get what we were waiting for, and I decided to ask.

"Why'd we stop?"

Sensei pointed one of his arms up at the fountain. "Just watch."

The fountain began to spew even more water, to the point it began to overflow. The water hit the floor and a large puddle began to form, expanding quickly. I thought that was really weird-What the heck were they going to do, drown us?

The water, however, didn't just begin to flood the floor, but the air. By that I mean it began to rise into the air. If I had my old mouth, my jaw would probably be on the floor as the water ballooned and expanded into a massive shape.

A massive shape that became clear when six giant eyes began glowing out of the mass of water, and eight giant legs formed. My spider instincts began to scream as a truly gigantic monster spider took form.

"Sp-Spider... Spider... Giant spider... Spider...!" Sasuke began to whimper. Sakura trembled and covered her eyes with her legs, cowering. I have to admit, I was shaking myself. The giant monster above us began to grow "organs" inside, everything visible through the transparent water. I felt really, really sick. The armor was the last thing to come in, growing in with giant barbs of hair with wicked jaws and claws.

"Holy shit! Ahhh!" I scr-er... Shouted. "S-Sensei, what the hell?!"

Our Sensei, in comparison, just sat there, looking... Unimpressed? He said something in that weird Spider language, and Ringumo helpfully translated.

"H-He said 'There is no need for such dramatics, Mizutoushou-sama,'" Ringumo said, stuttering a bit. I guess the giant spider had freaked her out too.

Mizutoushou said something back. His voice in Spider Tongue was really grating and frightening-It's kind of hard to describe. Closest I can get is a bunch of violins being played with files, watermelons being smashed, and the screams of children who must be getting cut in half or something. I was really tempted to just curl up in a ball.

"Ah... Mizutoushou said he so rarely got guests, he wanted to show off," Ringumo translated. "And that Ando-kun should appreciate such abilities."

"This about the war again?" Naruto asked. Ringumo nodded.

"It's always about the war..." She sighed.

**Andoryuu**

Mizutoushou was not an unreasonable leader... Exactly. He did have the sense of humor of an old man in his golden years, and despite being my enemy, he didn't hate me. That was probably one of the only things that kept the war from going on longer.

But he didn't actually like me, either.

You have come to discuss the current dispute, have you not, Suzumbachi Andoryuu? The giant spider asked.

Yes... The clan of the other summoner, under your protection, I replied. This is not allowed under the terms of the treaty.

They are under the personal protection of one of our families. They took them in seeing as their territory was destroyed during the war, Mizutoushou said. Kyodaigumo merely wishes to recover her strength in peace.

So, it was Kidoumaru's summons. I knew it.

Nevertheless, unless she is under the Sage contract, I cannot permit this, I said.

You cannot speak with the summoner? Mizutoushou asked.

No, I cannot. He is an enemy of my clan, I replied. It was the closest you could get in the spider language to the context of a nation.

Then you seek to gain advantage over him? Mizutoushou inquired.

... Over his clan, yes, I admitted.

Then your concern is for your clan alone? Mizutoushou pressed further. The old spider was hard to read.

My concern is for the peace, my clan, and Kyodaigumo's clan, I replied carefully. I have no desire to engage spiders in battle again. The master of her summoner is a deadly enemy who would not hesitate to sacrifice her or her summoner.

Mizutoushou stared intently at me, the full weight of his intent falling on me. It wasn't killing intent exactly, more like his _awareness_. Judging me, testing me. I stood fast, focusing my chakra to bend, but not break in the power of his aura. My students struggled to stay standing behind me, but I couldn't blame them for it. The only reason I was managing it was because I'd been through it before, several times.

At last Mizutoushou pulled his aura back in, and he carefully scrutinized me.

Due to our laws and customs, a clan taken under our protection can only be turned over to another clan provided it can adequately defend it, Mizutoushou. In other words, Suzumbachi Andoryuu, you must prove yourself to the family in any way they deem fit.

I could swear the old spider was smirking.

I understand, Mizutoushou-sama, I replied. I wish to do that then.

Very well... I will allow you to travel to the home of the family in question, and have my guards guide you there. Should you succeed, you will be allowed to leave in peace.

And should I fail? Mizutoushou asked.

Well... Your students might be part of their prize, Mizutoushou said with a dark chuckle.

I gave the spider version of a nod after a bit of thought. ... Understood.

Now... Go, Mizutoushou said. You have tarried long enough in our home.

I turned and scuttled out, my student following and our escorts all looking more relaxed.

"So, what, they just dragged us down here to tell you that?" Naruto asked. Ringumo had been translating for them, after all.

"No... There were other reasons," I explained.

"Like what?" Sakura asked.

"Well... Bringing in their greatest enemy, and then sending him off as though he's nothing doesn't make Ando-kun look good, does it?" Ringumo asked.

"So, they basically did it to make themselves look good?" Naruto growled. "To impress everybody?"

"Pretty much," I said.

"Sp-Spiders... Giant spiders," Sasuke whispered.

"Man... If I had hands, I'd fix them, I'd fix them good," Naruto grumbled.

"Relax Naruto," I said flatly. "They're beaten. Allowing them to save some face is no crime... And it got us what we needed. Diplomacy's like that."

"Well... It still sucks," Naruto grumbled.

"I'm not arguing that, but sometimes it's better to take the insults if it gets you what you want," I explained. "It's a good lesson for an aspiring Hokage."

That made Naruto become quiet and thoughtful, all the way back to the diving bell. Then again, so was everyone else, but it was more due to the situation. Naruto though... I'm not sure what I'd just done.

Then again, did I ever know what I was doing?

_More often than you might think…_

I looked around. A white object had appeared out of the corner of my eye, but had vanished the moment I'd tried to get a look at it.

"Sensei? You all right?" Sakura asked.

"… I'm fine," I said quietly. "Just… Fine."

_What was that…?_

- - - - - - - -

_Sorry for the short update, other projects are occupying my time. I know, I know, it seems like a whole lot of nothing happening but trust me, this is just setting the stage for something big. Something that will hit like a comet. _


	9. Chapter 9

_That Most Heinous of Crimes_

By Andrew J. Talon

_Disclaimer:_ I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.

A/N: Spider-Language is now in (( )) because of Fanfiction Dot Net's crappy formatting.

* * *

**Andoryu**

They were called Tokougumo. "Far Spider". They were among the mightiest warriors of the Mizugumo, and among the most skilled. Their home was proof of these things.

Their fortress was built out of tree trunks, bent and arranged as a gigantic sphere suspended by spider silk from every angle. Below it lay a river, with tangled trunks poking out of it as they snaked through the earth. Lanterns were lit all over, making it appear almost like a huge paper lantern.

Then, they came. Descending down on web lines, giant warrior spiders came down to the ground like crows would. Like crows for a funeral.

Oh yes, that's just what I need, melodramatic metaphors...

Their eyes seemed to glow red and orange thanks to the torches of their home. The largest one, a nasty thing four times as big as my spider form, landed last. He was clad in chainmail that glittered in the light, and sharp blue plates covered his legs. One of his eyes was missing, but he had so many it was hard to tell.

((At last. Suzumebachi, we meet,)) this gigantic spider spoke. His "voice" was composed of harsh, low growls and groans, as well as intimidating hisses. I made no movement. Inside, of course, I was frankly terrified

((Hanateregumo, I returned. I have come for the Kyodaigumo Clan! As Spider Sage, it is in my rights to have them as part of my summoning scroll!))

((You dare to speak of your rights in our land, Web Cutter? Brood Culler?)) Hanateregumo mocked. ((You refused the rite of combat before! You have no honor to bargain with!))

Ringumo bristled up, indignant, but I held up a leg to calm her. I looked over at my students, and back at Hanateregumo.

_... Well, looks like I can't avoid this,_ I decided. _It's all part of the plan._

I hoped.

((Very well. I'll gain some honor then... By defeating you in single combat,)) I called out.

Silence. Then, laughter. The laughter of spiders is not really a pleasant sound to a human. It's hard to put into words what it sounds like, but taking something from your nightmares would not be far off.

((You would fight me in such a form?)) Hanateregumo asked.

((It's the only way I wouldn't win out right,)) I challenged back. Hanateregumo laughed again.

((SO BE IT! We will duel tonight, under the lanterns of Toi! Here will you meet your end, Suzumebachi! Like a real warrior!))

((Well, it's something to look forward to,)) I returned. I turned to my students as the Spider Lord's guards and the Tokougumo warriors warily eyed each other. Given how many eyes they had, that was a lot of looking.

Sorry, that was terrible.

"So, you're going to be fighting him? Is that it?" Sakura broke.

I shrugged in a spidery way. "Yep."

"You're going to get killed, Sensei! Did you hit your head or something?" The pink spider cried.

"It's what he has to do to win their respect," Sasuke said quietly. Naruto stared for a long time, before he nodded back.

"Sensei... This is really stupid!"

I stared. Naruto growled.

"Stupid! You don't have to fight him! Let us find another way!"

"We will," I informed them. "But it's not going to be easy." I looked between them all. "There's something bigger going on here. You need to be ready to act when the time comes."

"Act? Act on what?" Naruto asked irritably.

"You'll know," I said. I looked over at Ringumo. "You've been very quiet, Gumo-chan."

The spider's eyes filled with tears, and she pounced on me.

"Ack!"

"PLEASE DON'T FIGHT, ANDORYU! I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO LET YOU DIE!" She wailed. The guards around us were momentarily united in their disbelief and disgust at Ringumo wailing. I awkwardly patted her on the head with two of my legs.

"There there Gumo-chan... I've got a plan," I said.

Ringumo's crying continued, but she did it in spider. In human language, she asked:

"What kind of plan?"

"Well... I'm not really sure just yet. But when it's done, it'll be really, really clever," I said.

I hoped.

* * *

**Naruto**

"Sure this will work?" I asked Sensei as Ringumo finished tying a bundle of sticks to Andoryu's back. We were standing around on a large branch several meters away from the Tokougumo group. That asshole Hanateregumo was flexing his legs and stretching dramatically as his fellow spiders clicked and whistled and stomped their feet on the tangle of branches surrounding the battle arena.

"Nope," Andoryuu replied.

Sakura sighed heavily. "Still going to do it?"

"Don't have a lot of choice," Andoryuu admitted. "I made the challenge. To back out now would be dishonorable."

"You still haven't explained exactly _why_ this other spider clan is so important," Sakura pointed out irritably. "Maybe if we knew, we wouldn't think you were stupid."

"Ha! There!" Ringumo said with a spider smile, finishing her web work. "All set!"

"Good," Sensei replied. He scuttled out of her reached and looked at all of us. "The thing is, this clan is operating under a summoner from Orochimaru's village."

"Orochimaru?" I asked, confused. "Who is that?"

"A dangerous S-class ninja, very powerful, who would like nothing more than to destroy Konoha," Sensei replied. "If I can deprive him of a powerful weapon, then it's a gain to us."

"Ohhh... So why don't you just beat up the summoner?" I asked. That seemed a lot better than fighting a spider monster. My sensei chuckled as Sakura scowled.

"Because that's stupid! He's the Spider Summoner. He needs to do this with them!"

"Keep his own house in order," Sasuke said quietly. I shot a glare at him, but I had to admit he was right.

Had to happen sometime, I guess.

"That's another thing you'll learn on the path to becoming Hokage," Andoryuu said as he turned and hopped down to a branch. "If you survive." He blinked his eight eyes in rapid succession, before hopping away.

"DON'T DIE ANDORYUUU!" Ringumo wailed. She clutched onto Sasuke and bawled like a baby. Sakura and I moved away, leaving Sasuke to cringe.

Hey, if he didn't like hugs then... Screw him!

* * *

**Andoryuu**

Hanateregumo was huge, and even without his armor he was more than a match for me. His massive fangs glistened in the lamp light above, and his mouthparts drooled.

He sat perched on one of the numerous twisting branches that circled above the water, as did I. This was their "battleground", a maze of giant tree roots and branches all seemingly woven into a stadium-sized basket. I focused on remaining calm even as his comrades bayed for blood.

((Let the trial begin!)) Shouted one of the older spiders in the audience, and other spiders began beating on silk woven drums.

((Suzumebachi Andoryuu! You will die by my fangs!)) Hanateregumo roared, and he sprang, crossing the short distance between us in a matter of seconds. Had I stayed motionless, his great fangs would have pierced through me, and with a swing of his body he would have torn me in half.

Obviously, I was not in the mood to be ripped into pieces, so I did what any smart spider does-I dropped down, using my webbing as a safety rope.

Hanateregumo slammed into the branch above me with a loud crash, as I descended down. I reached back and pulled two sticks from my back, and with a bit of Ringumo's webbing tied them together. I did the same to another stick, and another until I had a long pole which I slammed down against a branch and pushed on, hard, to aid my undulating body in a swing. Hanateregumo roared above me, and swung down to snap my safety thread with his jaws.

However, it was too late. My improvised pole vaulting pole let me jump to another branch, which I scuttled up quickly. Hanateregumo growled.

((Come back here!)) He snarled, and he jumped again, hoping to land on the branch I was on and dislodge me with the force of his landing. I dropped down all right, but my pole let me vault to yet another branch. The great spider hissed and the drumming above grew faster. I jumped down and tied a web line around a rock, which I tossed into the water.

_Okay, okay, he's angry, good,_ I thought. _Hopefully._ I proceeded to the next step of my plan. I vaulted to another branch, once more avoiding Hanateregumo's body blow. And another, and another, and another leading the huge warrior on a merry chase.

Well not a merry chase. I was definitely not enjoying the smell of his venom and digestive juices, or the drums, or Ringumo and Sakura's gasps. Each time, I let out some more webbing, tied it to a rock and threw it into the water.

((Is your plan to run me down, Web Cutter?)) Hanateregumo snarled. ((You cannot outlast me!))

((You're probably right,)) I replied with forced calm. ((So why don't you come and catch me?)) I was back on the branch I'd started from, spinning my spinnerets fast into a quick, crude sheath for my abdomen. Hanateregumo roared and leaped again, angling his body so that he could grab me in his eight great legs. The only alternative to being caught was falling into the water...

So I did, curling into a ball so I would break the water tension.

_Splash!_

The sheath around my abdomen would give me a few minutes of air. Hopefully, it would be all I needed. I looked around and spotted one of the rocks with webbing tied around it on the sandy bottom, nearby a large root. I swam down and hid myself underneath the root, clutching to the bottom in the shadows.

A massive disruption in the water above signaled Hanateregumo's entry into the water. He swam with confidence, secure that in this, his domain, he was king. After all, I was just a little web spinner confronting a bonafide Mizugumo-What chance did I have?

I closed my eyes to better focus on the vibrations, and slowed my breathing. The great spider swam down, deeper, closer to where I lay in wait.

_Come on... Come on..._

Closer... Closer...

_Come on, come on...!_

I felt his great leg smash down near my hiding spot. I opened my eyes and focused on the blurry image of that great limb before springing into action.

I sprang out, grabbed the rock, and used the webbing on it to tie it tightly around his leg. I then swam away and threw the rock up out of the water, and climbed for it. Hanateregumo roared under the water and tried to follow me, but once out of the water I grabbed the rock, swung it around a branch, and tied it. Hanateregumo broke free of the water and bellowed. He fired a blast of water at me, grazing me and sending me falling back into the lake.

But my sheath gave me a short bit of air, which I used to swim for my life to another branch as Hanateregumo stirred up the water violently.

I climbed back out and recovered my pole where I'd left it. As fast as I could I leaped over to another branch as Hanateregumo surfaced.

((Hey four legs! Your mother banged a wasp!)) I taunted. The great Mizugumo snarled and fired off another water jutsu at me, which took one of my legs off. Hissing at the pain, I nevertheless jumped down back into the water.

It hurt even worse down here, but I was too far in the plan now. I could feel him straining against the noose I'd set up for him. It was only a matter of time before he figured out how to free himself.

Working quickly, I located another rock in the water. I swam up and scurried out of the water over the branches to another, and jumped back in just as Hanateregumo cut through the web line. He swam towards me, and was nearly upon me when I reached the second rock. His great fangs descended upon me, faster than I had anticipated, and with no other way out I held up the rocks and prayed for the best.

His fangs impacted the rocks, driving me into the soil. I clutched my body together as tightly as possible, holding my breath. I didn't know how much air I had left, but if I breathed in only water now I was a goner.

_Damn... Damn...!_ He pulled back at last, in preparation for another strike. My body screamed for air but I had no choice, I had to do something. So, with the pressure lessened, I reached up and tied the rocks around his fangs. I then leaped up onto his face and threw the rocks out of the water, hoping they'd get stuck somewhere long enough for me to get some air.

I sprang up as the enraged monster spider rose. I swam to the nearest branch and scuttled up as fast as my exhausted body could. Hanateregumo roared and I felt almost certain he would crush me, but his movements became one of frustration. I looked up and would have smiled if I had the mouth for it-Both rocks had become tangled in some branches.

((GAH! You little-! I WILL DRAIN YOU DRY!)) Snarled Hanateregumo. I took an extra second to catch my breath, before jumping across the branches back to my pole. I got a scurrying start before leaping out and slamming the sharpened end of my pole right between his head and his great fat abdomen-The pedicel for those of you with an interest in arachnid physiology.

((AARRRRGGGGHHHHH!)) He bellowed, thrashing far more violently now. I swung back and forth on the pole, driving it in deeper in the gap between his exoskeletal plates.

I stopped when I was sure I was close to something vital, and looked down at him.

((There is no need for you to die, Hanateregumo,)) I spoke clearly. ((You have fought well. There is no dishonor in saving your life now. Declare me the victor and I will treat your clan with the honor it deserves.))

The Mizugumo were usually suckers for that big, dramatic sparing the life of your opponent thing. It was not something they often did, but tradition and personal interest had a habit of getting mixed together.

Hanateregumo snarled, all of his eyes looking up at me. ((Suzumebachi! You will never _understand_ honor!)) He looked up at the assorted Mizugumo.

((COMRADES! Kill him!))

I looked over at the Mizugumo watching. Many of them held up spears or spider bows with arrows pointed right at me. And all of them let loose with their weapons.

"WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" Naruto bellowed as the barrage flew for me. I tried to jump out of the way, avoid most of them, but a single spear lanced right through my own pedicel. The pain burned through me like fire, and I slammed into the branch I was trying to reach. Stunned, I fell into the water below.

_Well... crap,_ I thought to myself. I recalled a quote from a particular episode of _Star Trek: The Next Generation_ as my vision began to go dark.

_"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness, that is life."_

_Well... No offense Captain Picard, but from where I am,_ I thought as I slammed into the bottom of the lake.

_Life_ sucks.

* * *

**Sasuke**

Well... _Crap_, as our sensei might say.

"NOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOO! WAAAAHHHHH!" Ringumo bawled. She began shrieking in the Spider Tongue at the other Mizugumo. Sakura was frozen stiff.

And Naruto was... Was...

"You... You...!" Naruto snarled, and my chakra senses began to scream at something _horrific_ coming from him. His eyes turned red, all eight of them, and the air turned red and hot around him. He shuddered and shook, and on his belly something shined-But I couldn't see what it was.

All I knew was that my instincts, either spider or human, were screaming to _get away_ from Naruto as his aura exploded with power. As it did, his features began to shift-It took a moment to realize he was turning back into a human.

Well... Mostly. Four spider legs still stuck out of his back, and his mouth bore two large fangs as he leaped across the great divide between us and Hanateregumo. The giant spider had pulled the pole out of his back, just in time for Naruto to slam into his back and drive him into another branch.

"N-Naruto! What...?" Sakura tried, but she was soon distracted by me shoving her out of the way of a spear.

"RINGUMO! We need to get back into human form, now!" I shouted. Ringumo was still bawling, crying great big tears from all eight eyes. "RINGUMO!"

"RINGUMO!" Sakura bellowed, surprising me. She scuttled over to Ringumo and smacked her across the mouth parts. The little Jorou spider snapped out of it, and blinked. "How do we turn back into humans?"

"W-Well, I'm not sure-"

"NARUTO just did! Mostly!" Sakura pointed out. Naruto was even now furiously attacking Hanateregumo, leaping around and punching and kicking him in the eyes, belly and any other vulnerable looking spot. Ringumo tapped her legs nervously on the ground.

"Well, um, my mommy did teach me a way to break a transformation lock... But I'm not sure if it will work the whole way!"

"Better than nothing! DO IT!" Sakura ordered, as more arrows and spears were lobbed our way. Ringumo's chakra flared frantically, and she extended her forward arms. She hit Sakura first, then myself. A Mizgumo warrior chose that moment to land on our branch and lunge for us.

"AHH!" Sakura cried, falling off the branch with Ringumo falling with her. I managed to throw myself to the side as I felt the transformation began. Unlike the orderly, easy morph of before though, different parts of me changed at different times. My forward legs turned into arms, my abdomen became my bottom even as my hair exploded out of the top of my head with all eight eyes.

The Mizugumo warrior turned and snarled, his chakra shaping itself for a water attack. Despite only being partially done, I clumsily pushed my fingers together and formed handseals.

_"Katon! Goukakyuu no jutsu!"_ I bellowed as I unleashed a fire blast into the face of the spider. It screamed and fell off the branch. Three more stayed behind, prepping spears and arrows. I stood up, almost totally human again aside from the spider legs jutting out of my back. I gave all three a feral grin.

"Come on," I challenged. "Let's see what you've got!"

* * *

**Naruto**

Seeing the spiders just... Just attack Sensei like that, just _kill_ him... Without warning, without justification... It made me angry. So very, very angry.

My spider instincts merged with my own, and anger filled every part of my body. I didn't care about anything other than making that big, fat bastard Hanateregumo pay. Pay for killing my sensei who was willing to let him live.

I leaped clear across the divide, my chakra flaring all around me. I brought up my fist (_when did I get that back?_) and brought it down hard on the top of Hanateregumo's head.

"ARGH!" He bellowed. He spat something at me in the spider tongue but I didn't care.

_Hurt him hurt him HURT HIM...!_

He swung for me with one of his huge arms, and I jumped up to wrap my arms and legs around it. I dug my fingers into the tough, hair appendage and _roared_ as I twisted my body. A satisfying snap filled the air and Hanateregumo roared in pain. He swung his broken leg around, trying to smash me but I leaped away. I kicked back off a branch and ricocheted for his eyes, and my fists and legs slammed into his eyes fast and furiously.

He screamed in pain, and _something_ inside me roared in approval. I raked my fingers over his eyes like they were claws, and I drew great spurts of blood that covered my jumpsuit.

_Hurt him hurt him HURT HIM HURT HIM...!_

I leaped up and found the wound Sensei had inflicted on him. I drove my fist down into it, and then a leg, and then another leg, and I kept hitting and punching and kicking and stomping and _ripping_ at it, all just to make the monster roar in agony.

He bucked violently and threw me off. I fell for the water and hit it with a hard splash. I gritted my teeth and tried to get my bearings, but the water began to swirl around me! Hanateregumo loomed overhead, a huge shadow over the water!

I was shot to the surface like a bit of meat I tried pressing to the bottom of a ramen bowl once. Up, up, right into the jaws of Hanateregumo!

"GAH!" I bellowed as his fang sliced over my leg. I grabbed onto the fang and with a flare of my chakra I tore it off.

"AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH!" Hanateregumo roared. I fell back into the water, and swam desperately, avoiding the massive spider's large legs trying to crush me. Looking up, I could see his belly.

_HURT HIM!_ Roared the voice within, and with a flare of my chakra I shot back up, the fang held above me. I don't know what I hit, but I knew it was definitely his weak spot.

Just like Sensei said-Attack the weak point for massive damage...

* * *

**Sakura**

I didn't have time to reflect on the fact I now had spider legs sticking out of my back. I was a little too busy using them to awkwardly run across the surface of the water for my life as arrows and spears landed all around me.

Ringumo managed to find shelter behind a rock protruding out of the water, and I joined her. Arrows and spears whizzed around us and bounced off the rock. I winced as a particularly big one struck right above us with a loud crack.

"We need to save Andoryu! We need to save Andoryu!" Ringumo said in a panic.

"I know, I know!" I shouted back, trying desperately to stay calm. Sasuke was fighting off Mizugumo high above us, but the flashes of fire and spider screams indicated he was holding his own. Naruto, with that monstrous red chakra of his, was fighting off Hanateregumo himself by the roars and screams but I had no idea if he was winning, there was too much chakra being exchanged. And far in the distance I could spot the exact place Sensei fell.

I bit my lower lip, then froze. My chakra senses picked up something big moving under the water. I focused intently, trying to get an idea of what it might be...

A fin breached the surface some distance away, and I realized it was a fish. A very, _very_ big fish.

A very big fish headed right for where Sensei lay.

"Oh no, oh no, oh _no_," I groaned. I looked over at Ringumo. "Can you distract them?"

Ringumo nodded. "I can!"

"Okay... One... Two... THREE!" I shouted as I ran across the water.

"What happens at three-OH!" Ringumo shouted behind me. "HEY! HEYYYY! OVER HERE! COME ON WASP FANS, COME ON, HIT ME! OOH, TOO SLOW!"

**Geez, what a bimbo!** My Inner snidely commented.

I bounded over the water, using chakra in my human feet to try and speed up my spider legs. It was confusing, disorienting-I'm amazed I didn't just fall in several times. Somehow though, I was able to get to the water where Sensei fell, and my chakra senses indicated he was still alive.

The fish was closing in. I took a deep breath, and let my spider legs relax. I splashed down and kicked my feet hard, thankful for the spider silk clothing I wore. It wasn't weighing me down as much as cotton or wool would.

_Where are you Sensei...? Come on...!_ I managed to see his small form below, legs waving in the water. I felt relieved-He hadn't begun to curl up like a dead spider. I wrapped my spider legs around him, and braced my feet against the bottom to kick us up to the surface...

Unfortunately, the moment I did, we ran into the mouth of the giant fish.

"MURGLE!" I shouted in shock as a big fleshy mouth closed around us. I could see the throat, see it undulating, just desperate to get us down into it's gullet. I spread my spider legs to brace myself against it's throat, but Sensei began to slip down. I grabbed onto one of his legs and grit my teeth, holding him up. But with my air diminishing, I was feeling weaker and weaker. I was fighting the reflex to breath in, try to relieve my need for oxygen but if I did that...

**REFLEX!** My inner shouted, and realization filled my mind.

I brought my legs around Sensei's body and held on for dear life. I ran through the handseals for a simple Raiton jutsu, and when my hand was charged I slammed it up into the roof of the monster fish's mouth.

It choked and shuddered. I did it again, with as much chakra as I could muster! The fish seemed to shriek around us, and a mass of gunk shot up from the throat. The fish's mouth opened, and we were both shot out into the water. With energy born from panic, I swam up, up, up...!

"HWAH!" I gasped as my head broke the surface. Pulling Sensei up, I swam with my other appendages until we reached the branch. I pushed his body up out of the water, and clambered after him, coughing violently.

"Haff... Caff...!" I shook and shuddered at the fish puke covering me. "Ugh...!" I shook my head and focused back on Andoryu-sensei. His chakra was fading fast, we were both cold and air deprived, and the only medical jutsu I knew was simple and unrefined.

"... Screw it," I decided, in total agreement with my inner. I slammed both palms into Sensei's head and focused all my healing chakra into him.

* * *

**Sasuke**

I was moving faster than I ever had before. Dodging slung rocks, arrows, spears-All of it so easily!

I couldn't understand it. Were they really this slow? Or was I that fast?

I didn't know, and I didn't care. All I knew was that the whole of the spider clan seemed to be trying to kill Sakura, Ringumo and Naruto. I couldn't let that happen.

I shot forward between two spider archers, a kunai in each hand, and slashed across their flanks. When their brother threw a spear at me, I leaped up, allowing it to pierce the side of one of the archers. Two smaller Mizugumo attacked me from both sides, their fangs enclosed in metal blades and their pedipalps packing steel piercing points.

... Damn Sakura for her love of alliteration...

Both of them moved together flawlessly, like one was a reflection of the other. They slashed, thrust, and bit at me from both sides, their bloodlust obvious. I deflected, parried and dodged their blows as we fought along a huge branch, all the while stones and arrows were slung my way.

It was insane! I was going to be overwhelmed, I could see it, sense it!

I leaped up high, even higher than I usually could, and locked my spider legs onto the branch above. I slipped my kunai into my wrist bands and ran through handseals.

_"Katon: Hōsenka no Jutsu!"_ I bellowed, directing my fire blasts precisely to hit every spider I could see as they jumped for me. I let go of the branch and dropped down, throwing kunai into the ones I missed.

I landed on an arch-shaped root, panting for breath. I looked around and saw that all of the Mizugumo were pulling back, regrouping. I took a moment to look down into the water.

I smiled as red eyes gazed back at me from my reflection. _Yes... Yes...!_

"ARRRRRRR!" Shrieked Hanateregumo, and I looked over to see him be thrown _through_ a branch and slam into the truck of a nearby tree. Naruto bounded after him, red chakra flaring around him like a flame. Hanateregumo, as badly injured as he looked, sat up and shuddered, glaring his defiance.

He bellowed what sounded like a threat, to which Naruto responded with a roar of his own.

"**YOU KILLED SENSEI! I'LL KILL YOU!**"

My eyes widened as I saw the great spider's chakra flare-He was putting his all into a final jutsu. Something big and powerful.

"NARUTO! NO!" I shouted. But that orange wearing idiot didn't heed me. He just plunged ahead like a comet for Hanateregumo. The Mizugumo raised his forward legs up, and the water rose around him. It twisted in mid air into a sphere, before with a sonic boom it _exploded_ outward in one direction-Right for Naruto.

It connected and I resisted the urge to shut my eyes. Which was fortunate, as I saw something... _Impossible._

Naruto's aura stopped the blast of water. He struggled against it, floating in mid air, his aura flaring even more brightly. With a mighty roar, Naruto threw up his arms and the blast of water burst into steam. However, as Sakura would probably tell you, instantly transforming water into steam requires a massive amount of energy.

And that energy usually takes the form of an explosion... Which this did.

The water seemingly _exploded_ right into Hanateregumo's face as well as Naruto's, and both were sent flying back. Naruto slammed into the water at an angle, leaving a huge splash as Hanateregumo was slammed back into the tree trunk.

"NARUTO!" I shouted. I was tired, almost dead tired, but I pushed that out of my mind as I ran for where Naruto had splashed down. I dove in and swam down, seeing him floating with his eyes wide open. He reached up and grabbed my hand and, swimming hard, I got us both to the surface.

"Pfft...! Haa," he gasped as we got up to a nearby branch. I took a few deep breaths myself, staring at him.

"Naruto... What the _hell_ was that?" I asked flatly. Naruto lowered his eyes, and sighed.

"... Doesn't matter... Sensei's dead," he said in a flat tone. I opened my mouth, unsure of what to say... Before the entire area began to rumble.

"H-Huh?" Naruto cried. "What the hell?"

I looked over my shoulder and my eyes widened. "LOOK!"

Out of the water rose a familiar, terrible form. Mizutoushou himself, water falling from his body like waterfalls.

I tensed up. Naruto did too. We looked at each other and nodded. We pulled ourselves out of the water. He assumed combat stances, each of us ready to fight to the death if we had to.

Mizutoushou looked around slowly, his every movement deliberate and terrifying. He looked down upon us with his mighty gaze. I trembled, but didn't move. Naruto growled next to me. I tightened my grip on my kunai, even though it felt like a useless toy against such a monster.

Then... The monster spoke.

"YOU WOULD FIGHT ME?" He asked.

"YEAH!" Naruto shouted back defiantly. "I'd fight you, and WIN!"

I nodded my assent.

Mizutoushou then made a horrific sound, one that took my battle addled brain a few moments to recognize-The laughter of a spider.

"THEN YOU DO POSSESS COURAGE," he spoke. He turned to Hanateregumo, who was lying against the tree trunk, badly burned and twitching.

"Mizutoushou-sama... Please..." He gasped.

"YOU BROKE THE CODE OF HONOR," Mizutoushou said gravely. "YOU ATTEMPTED TO STRIKE DOWN THE SAGE WHEN HE OFFERED TO SPARE YOUR LIFE. YOU AND YOUR FAMILY HAVE ACTED DISHONORABLY..."

"But... But they are humans! Outsiders! He is the Suzumebachi!" Hanateregumo begged. Mizutoushou raised up his leg.

"NONE OF THAT CHANGES OUR HONOR, HANATEREGUMO," Mizutoushou spoke. "FOR THIS DISHONOR... THERE IS ONLY ONE RECOURSE TO SPARE YOUR FAMILY."

Hanateregumo got to his seven remaining legs unsteadily. He bowed, even though it looked like it hurt like hell.

"Yes... Mizutoushou-sama..."

"NOW GO. TAKE YOUR PEOPLE INTO YOUR HOME. TEND TO THEM," Mizutoushou ordered. Hanateregumo scuttled away, almost limping, as he and the rest of his people followed him to Toi, which shined above.

Mizutoushou turned back to us. Naruto scowled.

"Hey! HEY! What's going to happen to him?"

"HE WILL PERISH BY HIS OWN FANG," Mizutoushou replied. "AFTER COMPOSING A POEM."

"_Seppuku_," I murmured. Naruto looked disgusted.

"FOR THE MOMENT... WORRY NOT ABOUT HIM," Mizutoushou said. "CONCERN YOURSELVES WITH YOUR MENTOR."

* * *

**Andoryu**

I saw a flash of white, and for a moment I started to expect my dead relatives to be reaching out for me next. But the white turned out not to be heaven, but instead a familiar cloaked form.

"You always did have a habit of getting into trouble," she spoke, her voice echoing in the strange black void we were in.

_We all did,_ I thought back.

"Doesn't change the fact you keep getting in and out of it," she said.

_Are you here to taunt me or... Or... Oh God... I'm dead, aren't I? You're here to guide me to the afterlife. Please tell me I'm not going to hell at least!_ I begged. Hey, how coherent are you going to be if you think you're dead?

The girl smiled and shook her head. "Not quite... Not yet."

_Then what are you doing here?_ I asked.

"Just letting you know that you've got a bit more work ahead of you... And you'll be seeing me again real soon. Now," with a kiss to my forehead, "wake up."

"PFFFGAAAHHH!" I threw up, and trembled all over. "Ugh...!" I raised by arms up to my face and stared. Five fingered, pink digits. I ran them down by body, shocked that I was back in human form.

Though more shocked that I was alive at all.

"Sensei!" Sakura sobbed, wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me. "Sensei! You're all right!"

"Ahhh... Y-Yeah," I coughed.

"ANDORYUUUU!" Cried another voice. I winced.

"Oh no-UNGH!"

Ringumo, now in human form as well, glomped me hard enough to make me _hear_ my ribs creak.

"You'realiveyou'realiveyou'realiveyou'realive!"

"Y-Yes, yes... Now...!" I gasped out. Ringumo was prodded into releasing me by Sakura, and Naruto and Sasuke soon entered my field of vision.

"So... Um... What happened?" I asked.

"Nothing much," Jorougumo's voice said. I looked over to see her in her preferred human form, sitting atop a branch with a smile. Behind her loomed the massive form of Mizutoushou, staring down like a mountain god.

"... Someone... Want to explain things to me?" I asked.

"I beat up Hanateregumo!" Naruto said with a grin. "And Sakura-chan saved you with Ringumo, while Sasuke fought off some mooks-"

"Better than you did," Sasuke snorted, but the barb lacked bite.

"Then Mizutoushou showed up, then Jourougumo appeared and made us all human again... Then you woke up!" Naruto said. He frowned, and crossed his arms over his chest. "But I'm still confused!"

"That makes two of us," I said evenly. I looked at Jorougumo, a terrible suspicion entering my mind. "Jorougumo-sama..."

Jorougumo smiled apologetically. "My apologies, Ando-kun, but... The deal was made before you ever arrived."

"... What are you talking about?" Sasuke asked in a flat tone.

"HANATEREGUMO HAS BEEN THREATENING THE PEACE TREATY AND MY POSITION FOR QUITE SOME TIME," Mizutoushou explained. "HE HAS BEEN AMASSING MANY FOLLOWERS, WITH THE INTENT TO OVERTHROW ME AND RESUME THE WAR."

"So, I offered him a deal," Jorougumo said. "Allow the Spider Sage to intervene and take care of Hanateregumo... And maintain the peace treaty."

"... You mean... This was a set up? From the start?" Sakura asked, shocked. "All of it?"

"Not all of it," Jorougumo said. "We were betting that Ando-kun would defeat Hanateregumo and diminish his standing while taking away several of his followers."

"THIS THOUGH IS A FAR BETTER OUTCOME," Mizutoushou stated. "HE IS NOW REMOVED AS A THREAT FOREVER, DUE TO HIS BREAKING OUR CODE OF HONOR. HIS ENTIRE FAMILY IS NOW DISGRACED."

"... You _used_ us!" Naruto snarled. "You used ALL of us!"

"It is the Spider Sage's duty to preserve the peace of our world," Jorougumo said. She looked over at me with a little smile. "And as he is of my clan, I am happy to help him."

I stood up, very, _very_ slowly. Sakura's chakra boosts had gotten my own moving again, and my strength, though diminished, was still enough for me to stand.

"Yes... You helped me," I said quietly. I looked right in Jorougumo's eyes. "But you also lost something in the same action."

"What would that be?" Jorougumo asked.

"... My trust," I said. Jorougumo looked pained, and I felt satisfaction at it. "I'm afraid it will take a while for me to bring myself to trust you again fully, Jorougumo-sama."

"... I see," she spoke in a soft whisper. I looked up at Mizutoushou.

"Hanateregumo's family _will_ be taken care of and allowed to keep their lands," I stated.

"YOU WOULD RISK WAR FOR THE SAKE OF ONE WHO BETRAYED YOU?" Mizutoushou asked.

"I would risk war for the sake of the innocent," I said flatly. "His seppuku will absolve his family of his dishonor... That is the Code's law, is it not?"

The great spider laughed again. "YES... SO IT IS." He began to sink back into the water. "FARE THEE WELL, SPIDER SAGE TSUME."

And then he was gone. Jorougumo frowned, and looked over at Ringumo.

"Ringumo... Feel free to stay with Ando-kun as long as you wish," she said. Ringumo huffed, and turned her nose up at her mother. Jorougumo nodded before blowing a kiss to me.

"Until next time, Ando-kun," she said. I nodded respectfully, and Jorougumo-sama vanished in a flash of light and silk.

"Great... Our first big mission and it was all a set up," Naruto grumbled, sitting down. He slammed his fist into his palm. "I want to beat them all up!"

"Good," I said with a smile. "It's the right way to feel about these things... Even if sometimes, they are necessary."

"Do you believe this was necessary, Sensei?" Sakura asked.

"As the Sage, I have to keep the peace. It's my job," I said, with a tired sigh that had nothing to do with my physical exhaustion. I shook my head. "Hanateregumo broke the code of Honor, he must pay for it. But his family shouldn't have to."

I looked over at Sasuke. "Besides... This wasn't a total waste, right?"

The Uchiha heir smiled, just a little, before his face returned to a scowl.

"Let's go home, Sensei," Sakura said with a sigh. I nodded, and pulled out the summoning scroll.

"All right, everyone... Gather round. First class express to Konoha is leaving the station!"

* * *

I looked around. Where there should be trees and grass and the Hokage Monument in the distance, there was instead metal. Plastic. Functional, arranged into a cylindrical shape around us.

I heard nothing, the whole of the space filled with silence. Naruto looked around, staring behind us.

"Ah... Sensei?"

"Hm?"

"What's that?"

I turned around and looked. Through thick glass, a familiar blue and white form shone up at me via reflected sunlight. I closed my eyes tightly, and then reopened them.

The Earth as seen from orbit was still there.

"Oh _crap..."_

* * *

_Yes, this story still lives! I've decided that, what the hell, I like writing Naruto fanfiction so I may as well write it when the urge strikes me. Unfortunately I've also learned that I only write when I have something to say, so I will probably continue to be unpredictable a writer for a good long while._

_But still, whenever you look me up, know that I'll have something for you to read, and hopefully enjoy._

_Andrew J. Talon, signing off._


End file.
